The young Japanese couple who have just sat down opposite me on the train are starting to get on my tits, and they’ve only been sat down for 10 minutes.

Firstly, they’re talking to each other in that baby style adopted by overly sugary couples who call each other honey bunny and cuddly bear, which I now realise is annoying in every language.

Secondly, they haven’t broken eye contact at all, not once; not even to blink.

Thirdly, she keeps flicking his ear, poking his cheeks, running her fingers through his ginger hair (yes, ginger), stroking his nose and grabbing his jaw with one hand so she can use her finger and thumb to force the corners of his mouth up to form a smile.

All of this while sharing a pair of headphones.

I’ve now realised the poor guy isn’t really enjoying his half of this relationship.

Interestingly, whilst writing this, she’d grabbed his hand and was rubbing her own hand with it affectionately.

It mildly suggests YOU WILL FUCKING LOVE ME!!

He pulled away for a second to scratch his nose (I guess from all the stroking) and her tone completely changed. It went icy cold and bitter. She’s now sat there, arms folded, with a face like a smacked arse. In fact, he’s having to lean in towards her just so he keeps his end of the headphones.

Oh, hang on…I think things are ok again as she’s pinching his nose and sticking her fingers up there repeatedly. He seems to be REALLY enjoying that! He threw her a smile that, in my opinion, had tones of “get the fuck off me woman” and she snarled at him. Yes, snarled!

Now she’s playing his overturned hand like a piano, making ‘ding dong’ noises for every finger she presses like a key.

We’re now back to the baby talk and sticky out bottom lip…and plucking an unshaved hair from his chin, or is she picking a spot?  All I know is she hasn’t left his face alone since they’ve sat down.

Oh, now shes taking his photo, tugging his earlobes, pulling the corners of his eyes like a western child pretending to be oriental before their understanding of racism,  pulling his bottom lip down, sticking her fingers in his mouth (go on, bite down hard!), pulling his bottom eyelid down and pinching his cheeks…

Faaaarkin’ hell!

Now I know why samurai warriors would fall on their swords.