The train guard entered the carriage this morning with the usual, “tickets please!”

Today’s guard was a woman.  Well I’m sure she still IS a woman, but this tale is being told in past tense…so shut up.

She started walking down the carriage acknowledging the various cards and plastic ticket wallets being thrust towards her with a nod, a smile and a “thank you”.

Nod, smile, “thank you”

Nod, smile, “thank you”

The businessman in front of me was stood up and fumbling desperately through his backpack that was stuffed into the overhead luggage shelf.

She was getting closer.

Nod, smile, “thank you”

Nod, smile, “thank you”

He was really going to town now; elbow deep in a bag that would’ve been easier to search if he’d actually had the sense to take it down first.

Nod, smile, “thank you”

The guard eventually arrived at him, stopped and said, “Tickets please”.

The man ignored her, continuing to rummage around in a bag that had started to resemble the TARDIS; he was unnaturally shoulder deep.

She waited about 20 seconds before saying, “it’s ok, I’ll come back to you” and continuing on to me.

“I’m trying to get it out but it’s too big”, he replied.

I’m sorry, what?  Did he just say what I thought he just said? (snigger)

The guard grinned, turned and without missing a beat said, “What is?”

I chuckled.  The man didn’t.

Realising this rucksack ransacker hadn’t got the innuendo, she backpedalled with, “oh you mean the ticket?”

“Ah, here it is”, said the humourless bell-end.

Nod, smile, “thank you”

She then looked at me, exchanged a knowing smirk and continued up the carriage.

Nod, smile, “thank you”

Nod, smile, “thank you”

He sat back down and carried on playing Candy Crush or talking bollocks….whichever is more annoying.