Yesterday afternoon I had the pleasure of driving home from Kent with a hangover, which was nice.
When your eyes feel like they’re being dry humped by deranged badgers, the last thing you want is a bright light shining in them relentlessly. Does the sun come under the category of ‘bright light’? Hmm, yes I think it does.
It had been raining earlier in the day and the lovely English weather had meant there wasn’t enough heat to evaporate the wet sheen that was glazing the M20 motorway. In fact there was less heat than a nice beefy fart from a tired gnat in a snowstorm.
This reflective coating of rainwater coupled with the ‘bright light’ low in the sky had created a mirror effect that had essentially lit up the entire motorway with the full intensity of the sun. This was causing the badgers to freak out and thrust wildly and erratically. I basically couldn’t see the road, the cars or even my dashboard. I didn’t know where I was going or how fast!
I soon discovered I was able to remedy the intensive glare by closing my eyes, which made driving at 70mph (ahem) a little more ‘challenging’ and ‘exciting’. I say the following not to racially offend or to upset the saladly challenged, but I had to squint my eyes until I resembled a really fat Chinese kid.
Eventually the sun moved a little lower in the sky and the angle of reflection shifted. Fortunately we could all see the road and cars again. Unfortunately it was now shining a direct beam into our faces, which was nice.
The badgers were nearing climax.
I smugly reached up and lowered my sun visor only to find it wasn’t quite low enough.
I then had to sit bolt upright in order to block the piercing rays burning into my skull. This worked to block the sun and allowed me to see about 3 metres of the road in front of me which, at 70mph (ahem), wasn’t worrying at all.
Soon enough the motorway would have a slight bend and the sun would reposition itself, attempting to attack from another angle. I lowered the passenger sun visor but it wasn’t enough. I was now sat bolt upright and leaning to the left. I looked like I was checking my lipstick in the mirror.
Again, another bend and the sun went in for attack vector delta and the badgers were fast approaching their vinegar strokes.
This time I grinned because I knew I was going to be defended by my faithful rear view mirror. With a lowered sun visor either side of it, it was unlikely the sun would penetrate that tiny gap between the mirror and the visors in order to hit me right in the eye…..oh wait, no, I was wrong. It found the 2 inch chink in my armour and was exploiting it to sear my retinas and send the badgers into full lock on.
What were the chances? No matter which direction the motorway turned, the sun would avoid every single piece of shielding my car could provide.
Somewhere in my head I could sense the faint smell of a post coital cigarette and the flush of a toilet.