The self service checkouts at ASDA were an experience last night.  We thought it would be so easy with my wife scanning the items and me packing them into bags.

I pressed ‘Start’ and we were greeted by a friendly female voice.

“WELCOME.  PLEASE SCAN YOUR FIRST ITEM”

That’s nice.  My wife picked up the first item to scan it and….

“UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA”

Unexpected?  It’s a bagging area and they’re my canvas shopping bags (from this very supermarket), so if anything they’re completely expected.  Calm down love.

I picked up the bags and put them down again in the hope that this impatient piece of tech would realise the additional weight is just bags.  You know, being a ‘bagging’ area and all.

“UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA”

Oh for fucks sake, “Excuse me!”

I called over a female member of staff who inserted a key and typed in a passcode to allow us the luxury of continuing with the combined weight of the canvas bags in the bagging area

“PLEASE SCAN YOUR FIRST ITEM”

Finally!

(Beep)

“PLEASE PLACE YOUR ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA”

Jesus, give me a second will you?

(Beep)

(Beep)

“PLEASE PLACE YOUR ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA”

Yeah yeah, I’m just playing Tetris with our shopping so they fit in the bags better.  She’s more passive aggressive than GLaDOS!*

“PLEASE PLACE YOUR ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA”

Alright!  Hang on!

(Beep)

(Beep)

“UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA”

What the…?  “Excuse me!”

The member of staff was summoned again.  We got to know her quite well by the time the evening was through.

Just as she reached the checkout, the error message disappeared.  “Oh, never mind.  It seems to have figured it out”.  I sent her away again.

(Beep)

“PLEASE PLACE YOUR ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA”

Grrr!

“UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA”

Eh?  I’ve just bagged it.  Ok, I’ll take it out again.

“PLEASE PLACE YOUR ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA”

What?  Fine!  I’ll put it back in again.

“UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA”

“Excuse me!”

Back she came, with the same look in her eyes of a parent whose child just will…not…stop…crying.

(Beep)

(Beep)

Uh oh.  We’d filled the first three bags and had no more room for the rest of our shopping.  I needed to remove the filled bags to make space for new empty ones, but this stroppy piece of machinery might blow a fuse.  Shall I call our new friend over?  Nah, maybe the machine will figure it out.

I removed the bags.  It didn’t figure it out.

“PLEASE WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE”

Oh, we will.

Back she came with her key and passcode; a tear trickling down her cheek.

“Thanks”.

She smiled, sort of.

(Beep)

(Beep)

“UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA”

Fucking bags.

Key.  Passcode.

This time our friend left the checkout in ‘staff override’ so it stopped whining about weight and how long we were taking.  I suppose ‘male mode’ was considered a little sexist.

We finished the shopping and paid.

No issues with that I noticed.

* One for the gamers.