Being British, we tend to default a lot of our inane smalltalk to three tedious topics; the weather (and how shit it is), our health (which some people go into FAR too much detail about, including aches, pains and various forms of discharge) and how work is. The latter is usually answered with one of the following gems:
“Ah, y’know, work is work”
“It pays the bills”
“Same old, same old”
It’s never answered with:
“I fucking love it and everything about it! My boss is awesome! Here, have some money!”
It should be answered with:
“Work? Work!!? That soul sucking pit of mindless oppression is slowly driving me to drink. The mindnumbingly malignant fuckwits I call colleagues only serve to remind me that I’d rather be somewhere else, covered in jam, armpit deep in a fire ant colony, licking piss off a thistle. But thanks for asking”.
I wonder how that would be received?
The other less common, but certainly contentious and inevitable subject, is tea making. I’ve lost count the amount of times I’ve been drawn into debates about the correct way to make tea. It’s surprising how strongly people feel about the process which begs the question; ‘why don’t you just get a life?’
I’ve been told on many occasions that I make it wrong. Wrong? I’ve been berated for the order in which I add the various components. I’ve also not given a shit each time, but still they push on.
I personally make it like this:
Hot water in.
Stir and squash the bag to let it brew.
Squeeze the teabag and remove it.
Add sugar or sweeteners to taste.
And yet I’ve been told you should put the milk in before the water. Before? Are you fucking serious? Firstly, tea only brews in hot liquid (which milk isn’t). Secondly, the milk clogs up the perforations in the teabags resulting in a shit brew. Thirdly, don’t be a twat.
But what gets me the most is I also get told that I make a superb cup of tea! Doesn’t that mean that I’m doing it right and the rest of you can suck it?
Hmm let me think, er yes it does.
Especially when the person complimenting me on my tea asks me how I do it, only to tell me I’m doing it wrong.
There’s another solution, you make the sodding tea. I frankly don’t care who makes it as long as it’s not me.
One sweetener please.