I haven’t really put pen to paper – or fingers to keyboard – recently and this is due to two simple factors:
- I have recently started a new job at the company I work for and have therefore been preoccupied with not fucking it up.
- I procrastinate more than (note – come back and add example here)
This isn’t to say I haven’t been making notes of life events; I have. It’s just a case of sitting my arse down and actually writing something.
The irony is, I actually started drafting this post…got sidetracked…and in the meantime posted something else entirely. Well, now I’ve decided to sit down and at least attempt to finish this entry.
To manage your expectations, this isn’t a big amusing moment in my life, but more of a mini-rant about a gripe that I never realised was a gripe until it began rearing its ugly gripey head.
And this isn’t the only gripe. To be honest, there are a few small issues here in America that I simply wasn’t prepared for. For example, America doesn’t seem to have a word for ‘peckish’.
I used it in a sentence the other day at work and was met with lot of blank faces.
No word for peckish? Really?
That evening I went home and asked my wife if there was an American word for ‘peckish’ and all she could come up with was ‘a little bit hungry?’. This astounds me in a nation that is known for being in a constant state of graze.
Saying ‘I could eat’ isn’t quite the same.
Also, another unexpected gripe is the fact that most people I’ve met can’t read the 24hr clock (or ‘Military Time’ as they call it here). I’ve lost track of the amount of times I’ve seen them deducting 12 on their fingers and quitely mouthing the words.
“So, 17:00 is…(counting on fingers, under breath) 16:00, 15:00, 14:00, 13:00, 12:00, 11:00, 10:00, 09:00, 08:00, 07:00, 06:00, 5:00. it’s 5pm, right?”
Admittedly I do remember struggling with this myself, when I was SEVEN.
Anyway, back to the case in point.
I speak to a lot of Americans on a daily basis at work and, more often than not, I need to take their email address. This isn’t anything out of the unusual, except for the way they read out their email address. It simply baffles me.
Me – “What’s your email address?”
Them – “D as in Dog, A as in Apple, V as in, erm, Van, E as in Everyday, S as in Sam, M as in, erm, Mary, I as in Insulin, T as in Tommy, H as in Happy”
Me – Sorry, you said that so quickly, so it was D for Delta, A for Alpha…”
Them – “No, A like Apple”.
Me – “What’s the diff….er, I mean, can you repeat it for me?”
Them – “D as in Dog, A as in Ask, V as in Vanessa, E as in Egg, S as in Sam, M as in Mary, I as in, erm, (Inbred? Idiot? Imbecile?) Illinois, T as in Tree, H as in Hello”
(Usually always completely different words from the first attempt).
Me – “So, ‘DaveSmith’ then?”
Them – “Yes”
Me – “Ok….?”
There usually follows an unnecessary pause while the customer assumes I magically know their email domain name.
Me – “And the rest of it?”
Them – “What?”
Me – “Davesmith…..at?
Longer pause whilst they try and understand that I’m not a fucking mind reader.
Them – “@gmail”
You’ll notice the lack of “.com”. In the US, if they don’t say ‘.org’ or ‘.net’, then it’s an assumed ‘.com’.
This has caused me no end of problems when I give out my email as I still use my ‘.co.uk’ address. This usually takes some explaining and is met with a blank, open mouthed stare.
So this is my issue, why don’t the majority of Americans actually say their email as it’s written? I could understand if it’s something like firstname.lastname@example.org, but it rarely is.
It’s usually something that can be read out like ‘davesmith’, ‘rockdude’ or something laughably awkward like ‘sexxychick’ or ‘hotmama’.
These last two are particularly interesting when you can hear little kids in the background.
Seriously love, have a different email address when you’re shopping; your poor husband must hate calling on your behalf and being asked for it.
At least I understand why HE prefers to spell it out rather than say it.
I was talking to my wife about this and she said a customer had given her “K for Knife”. What next; ‘P for Pneumonia’ or ‘J for Juan’?
Sometimes I try and help them out and they disagree with my suggestion.
Them – “P as in, erm…P as in….”
Me – “P for Peter?”
Them – “No, P as in….erm, Psalm!”
You may have noticed, from the examples I’ve given, there appears to be no grasp of the phonetic alphabet here; at least the official one.
How do I know this? Because it confuses the shit out of them when I use it.
For the uninitiated, the phonetic alphabet is:
A – Alpha
B – Bravo
C – Charlie
D – Delta
E – Echo
F – Foxtrot
G – Golf
H – Hotel
I – India
J – Juliet
K – Kilo
L – Lima
M – Mike
N – November
O – Oscar
P – Papa
Q – Quebec
R – Romeo
S – Sierra
T – Tango
U – Uniform
V – Victor
W – Whiskey
X – X-ray
Y – Yankee
Z – Zulu
Admittedly, I have spoken to a few people who have used the phonetic alphabet correctly and I’ve openly commended them for it. It’s a nice refreshing change from the random selection of words I’ve heard.
Mind you, there are a few unofficial phonetics that seem to have become the standard, even thought they’re not.
B – Boy
M – Mary
N – Nancy
D – Dog
I hear these every time.
And yet, oddly, they don’t use C for Cat.
I have a C word they can use.
Danny boy, you said it wasn’t going to be funny! I did a booking for a lady who said in response to my question “Can I have your email please?” “Papa India November Kilo Papa Uniform Sierra Sierra Yankee at whereever dot com and no, don’t read it back!” Me, I couldn’t breathe let alone read it back!
Mate, that is hilarious! Best email ever! I had a customer last week whose email was something like @rubberaccessories.com. I said “Great email” which was met with silence. Imagine my disappointment when I Googled the company and it was a commercial supplier of hoses and rubber seals etc. Not a gimp suit in sight.