I won’t lie, I get overwhelmed with a massive sense of smugness whenever I have to poo at work. I don’t know if it’s because it takes me away from work for a few minutes, or the fact that I’m on the clock when I sit down to pinch one off.
Either way, I’m getting paid to give a shit.
So, today I took my smug self into the toilets [restrooms] on our floor, chose an empty cubicle (which was ANY of them…..result!) and dropped my kecks in readiness for the mass exodus.
Just as I relaxed to let my people go, someone walked in. Now, this isn’t usually an issue for me, but the toilets at work are tiled floor to ceiling and appear to block out any sound beyond the door…so basically it’s a large, reverberating echo chamber.
To make matters worse, I knew this poo wasn’t a run-of-the mill affair. No, this one felt like it had an air pocket the size of my head behind it. That meant that any attempt to free the prisoners was going to result in a shotgun style blast that would startle the most war-torn veteran due to the amplification provided by the resonance chamber we were both inhabiting. Also, I had eaten Mexican food the night before with plenty of beans, meaning the smell would likely bring literal tears to our eyes.
Well, it would bring tears to HIS eyes; we can all tolerate our own, right?
Anyway, my new friend entered the cubicle next to mine – naturally – and took a seat of his own.
Now we were two strangers, sat two feet apart in total silence with our pants around our ankles. This was not at all uncomfortable as I sat there, legs quivering in the air, as I desperately held back a cataclysmic shit that would have emergency crews later looking for the epicenter of the blast that leveled the building.
After what felt like 3 hours, my new friend got up, flushed whatever he had pooped out with ninja-like stealth, washed his hands for an hour, and left.
I finally relaxed……and chipped the inside of the bowl.