This morning at work, whilst making my morning coffee in our kitchen/break area, I was greeted by one of my colleagues.
“Good morning!” she said, as she strolled over to the collection of free fruit provided by the company.
“Good morning to you!”, I replied with the type of gusto I only reserve for Fridays, “And how are you this fine morning?”
“I’m great!”, she said innocently as she picked up a piece of fruit, “Just looking forward to my banana”.
Yeah she was.
Never say never.
I’m sitting at my desk whilst two of my colleagues are having a conversation next to me.
Her – “It’s so big”
Him – “You’ll get used to it”
Her new phone had arrived and they were talking about the size of the screen.
But still…
At work, we have a dedicated private Facebook page in which employees can sell stuff.
It’s pretty good if you want baby clothes, a kitchen gadget they’ve ‘only used a couple [of] times’, and other shit and detritus they don’t want anymore.
Well, I decided to have a peruse through today’s offerings over my morning coffee, and happened upon this item.
You know this is going to be fowl
Usually stuff like this wouldn’t make it onto my blog, but I couldn’t resist with a description like this:
Extra large Cock – FREE to a good home
My first instinct was to look up from my desk and check around me to make sure I wasn’t having my leg pulled.
No, she really wrote that…and it was intended to be sincere.1
What made it even better is that someone commented:
That is a turkey.
To which she replied:
It’s a rooster. A huge cock
Ah, I love the smell of innuendos in the morning.
(slurps coffee)
1 – I know this because a) it’s on a public work Facebook channel, and b) innuendos aren’t her thing….believe me!
You know those people you see on social media, or in person, who are so ridiculously in love with their other half that it makes you want to puke your lungs out?
Yeah, that’s me I’m afraid.
I often get asked what the secret to a successful marriage is, and I usually reply with the typical series of clichés:
Blah blah blah.
But, in truth, one of the major secrets to a successful marriage is affectionate verbal abuse….or, as comedian Micky Flanagan puts it, ‘Casual Cunting’.
So why am I sharing this advice with you? Well, here is a literal word for word interaction with my wife last night (sorry in advance, Mum).
Now, In order for this to make total sense, you need to know that my wife is a tiny 5’1″. OK, got it? Let’s continue…
So I was looking for a lighter and I couldn’t find it. We both looked everywhere and then suddenly my wife said:
“Oh, here it is in my hand”.
I rolled my eyes and jokingly barked, “How do you hide anything in those little dwarf hands!?”
To which she replied, “I can’t…….except yo’ dick!”
Not only did she get a full on high five as we sat there screaming with laughter, but I fell a little more in love with her.
So the real secret to a successful relationship? Don’t take it all so seriously. You’re clearly together because you’re in love (or the other person has a lot of money or whatever), so relax and enjoy being the casual cunts you are.
This is more like it actually! (ahem)
Moving from England to Las Vegas has come with its fair share of life adjustments (if you hadn’t already noticed from this blog!).
Amongst these was something I did not see coming. Something that was never an issue in the UK because it was rarely hot (or warm, for that matter) and the humidity was a lot higher.
Plus it rained….a lot.
So what is this new stress in my life?
Dry skin.
Now, in the past when I have visited this fine city as a tourist, it was always hot and I spent a lot of the time slathered in cream; mooching along the strip, shopping, eating, gambling or simply laid out by the pool getting shitfaced.
All of this was fine because I was covered in enough cream to mistake me for a female porn star at the end of a shoot (pun intended).
In case it wasn’t clear I was always moisturised.
The same can be said now that I live in Las Vegas…but only when it’s hot. I’m either covered in factor 100, sitting under a huge umbrella or neck deep in a pool.
It’s a hard life.
Without any form of sun protection, I tend to resemble a cooked lobster…in glasses.
I am, without question, the sun’s bitch.
However, it’s currently Winter here in sin city which means I’m covered in layers of clothing rather than cream based chemicals and the lack of humidity in Nevada has resulted in me having incredibly dry skin. This is especially so on the most exposed parts of my body; my hands.
It was getting to the point where it was hurting. I was worried about making a fist in case my hand crumbled like dry leaves. This was difficult because lots of things in life make me want to make a fist.
To combat this I decided to be a bit of a girl and buy hand moisturiser (that’s ‘moisturizer’ to my American friends…just in case you guys aren’t sure what I mean). So last week I went to Wal-Mart and headed to the skin care aisle.
Fuck me, there are a lot of moisturisers on the market.
I was stood there for at least 5 minutes trying to decide which hand cream would be the best. I was getting some strange looks from people as I tried to decide which would be the best without spending $15.
Seriously?
$15 for a tube of moisturiser? That stuff had better be laced with heroin.
Eventually I settled on a small unassuming tube of Vaseline intensive care because…
And that was the end of that. My hands are now pain free and supple.
It’s not an exciting story, nor does it have a particularly witty climax.
Or so I thought….
Fast forward to yesterday at work. A friend came over to my desk to see how I was doing and, during the conversation, I pulled out my tube of cream and started applying it to my hands.
“Sorry about this. I know it’s a bit girly, but my hands are so dry. I don’t usually use moisturiser”
He smiled at me. It was a smile I didn’t recognise.
“Sure you don’t”, he said.
I was confused.
He continued to smile at me, adding an eyebrow wiggle.
There was a further pause as he realised I didn’t have a fucking clue what he was getting at.
“You…you DO know what I’m referring to, right? You know, ‘moisturizer’?”[1]
The penny dropped.
It was my turn to smile.
“Sorry mate.” I said, “I don’t need it. That’s the difference between us Brits and you guys”
It was his turn to look confused.
Peek-a-boo
This did get me thinking about my trip to Wal-Mart though. To me, I was trying to figure out which hand cream would best moisturise my poor cracked hands. To others I was openly looking for a lubricant; picking them up, smelling them and basically making a performance of choosing a decent dick cream.
No wonder I got strange looks.
Now that I think about it, people were scurrying away; probably before I had the opportunity to ask them which one they thought would be best for some good ol’ fashioned self abuse.
Us Brits don’t need it.
Not where we come from.
Not in our hood.
Gotta love the little wrinkled bugger….
[1] Spelt the American way, because he’s American and would’ve said it that way.
There was a guy in the gym tonight who, I would say, is in his early sixties with a shaved head and built like a brick shithouse.
He’s clearly been working out for over half his life which was evident from the fact that he was as wide as he was tall, like an equilateral triangle….but sweatier.
Like most of the meatheads in there he was grunting and groaning with every push or pull of the machines he was using, and quite rightly so; he was lifting some heavy shit.
Anyway, as I was leaving I thought I’d wash my hands because, well, I’ve seen some of the people who touch the machines. Most of them are sweaty, and a lot of them are douchbags. I don’t want any of that on me when I leave, especially douchebag.
So I went to the toilets, washed my hands and as I turned around to dry them, in came the equilateral triangle.
He walked[1] to the urinals, barely wedged himself in the ‘normal human being’ sized space and fumbled with the cord of his gym trousers.
At least, that’s the assumption I’m making here. There’s no way I was going in for a closer look just to give validity to this post.
Once he’d (presumably) undone the cord he let out a grunt similar to those he’d demonstrated when lifting the heavy weights before.
Yeah right. Don’t flatter yourself mate.
I’ve heard the stories about steroids.
[1] It was the awkward walk of someone with three huge pillows under each arm and a protein bar inserted rectally.
Once you’ve seen a male cyclist come out of a coffee shop wearing the tightest lycra shorts that not only draw attention to his bulge, but highlight every subtle detail clearly and concisely in the cold light of day, you simply cannot unsee it again.
There’s a worldwide unwritten rule that men don’t sit down to pee.
Ever.
I can’t actually remember at what age I stopped sitting, but the act of standing up and draining the lizard rates up there as one of the defining moments of becoming a man; alongside losing my virginity and being in charge of my first barbeque.
Over the years I’ve discovered there are three occasions that I feel allow us to be exempt from this unwritten rule without fear of ridicule, mocking and generally being called a girl.
Here are my three exceptions to the rule:
When you’re drunk
It’s a well known fact that being drunk renders most of us virtually incapable of performing more than one task at a time. Usually the primary focus is the simple act of standing up, and yet we can still fuck that up; often spectacularly. So, standing AND aiming is a logistical impossibility and something us men simply daren’t attempt. It’s easy in the street because a wall (or car, or bus shelter, or police officer) isn’t a particularly small target, whereas a toilet can be. And if you’re 6ft tall like me, it’s like trying to hit a thimble…from space. The only real risk with sitting down and peeing whilst drunk is comfort. It’s likely you’ll simply pass out and wake up on the floor with your trousers around your ankles and your integrity in the bin.
When it’s dark
This one screams of common sense. I remember years ago sharing a hotel room with a friend (twin beds I hasten to add) and in the middle of the night he got up, went to the toilet, switched on the light (waking me up), said “fuck!” when his retinas burned out of his skull, pissed on the floor anyway because he couldn’t see, then stumbled back to his bed and promptly missed. I used to do the same to be honest. I used to attempt to combat this by doing the ‘one eye open and one eye closed’ approach. This was cunning as I’d switch the light on and I could see where I was aiming with one eye, and then when I switched the light off to go back to bed I would transfer to the other eye that still had night vision. Genius. Opening both eyes at this point is weird though. Try it. Then one night common sense came for what the Americans call ‘a sleepover’ and I had the ultimate epiphany; just sit down. No harsh light, no losing valuable night vision, no blue/green blob in your line of sight that looks like an alien attacking the Enterprise when you stumble back to bed….and no having to aim. Again, the only real risk here is the same comfort as when drunk. Try not to fall back to sleep.
When you’re horny
The best way to describe trying to pee whilst in this state is a lot like trying to hold down loose tarpaulin in a hurricane. Just when you think you’ve got it, you haven’t. It’s messy, difficult, and often uncomfortable and we end up standing like a duck with our arse sticking out trying to get ‘the right angle’. Just sit down. SO much easier. For those of you who haven’t considered this before; beware. It’s likely you’ll still douse the bathroom floor through the gap between the toilet and the lid.
Classic rookie error.
Soon you’ll discover the ‘sit and hook’ method. You’ll end up sitting a bit forward on the toilet, but chances are you’re on your phone anyway leaning on your knees (possibly reading this right now) so what does it matter? I was overjoyed when Justin Timberlake’s character in ‘Friends With Benefits’ did the sit and hook. Good man JT.
—
Now, these three exceptions to the rule of peeing like a man have been with me for years. Nothing else made it onto the list; it was Drunk, Dark or Horny, no exceptions. You could have all sorts of shit on your hands or have a broken leg and it will still be considered a bit girly if you sit.
That is, until now.
Now there is a fourth rule.
Rule Four
You are excused from touching your penis if your hands have come in contact with chillies.
(I’ll let you take a moment for that to sink in….I fucking did!)
In my case I’d finely chopped three bags of bird eye chillies. What followed was a sensation not unlike getting a blowjob from the Balrog, and luckily* doesn’t go away anytime soon. Even if I’d taken my blog’s name literally I still don’t think it wouldn’t have been as bad. Sitting down was an adventure and I’d even contemplated dipping myself into a glass of milk.
So, exception number four is chillies. And probably Deep Heat.
*sarcasm, in case you hadn’t noticed
Following on from yesterday’s entry; I’ve seen another amusing thing that I simply couldn’t pass up.
This is one of many desk calendars we get from our suppliers at work, only this one has a glaringly obvious cropping issue!
I seriously can’t stop laughing!
Head In A Blender 