Innuendos, Double Entendres and Puns, Oh My! – Part 3

This morning at work, whilst making my morning coffee in our kitchen/break area, I was greeted by one of my colleagues.

“Good morning!” she said, as she strolled over to the collection of free fruit provided by the company.

“Good morning to you!”, I replied with the type of gusto I only reserve for Fridays, “And how are you this fine morning?”

“I’m great!”, she said innocently as she picked up a piece of fruit, “Just looking forward to my banana”.

Yeah she was.

 

Never say never.

Innuendos, Double Entendres and Puns, Oh My! – Part 2

This one is so funny to me, yet not one of my American friends ‘got’ it, even after I awkwardly explained it to them….or at least attempted to.

However, I mentioned it to my parents and they got it immediately, so it’s not just me!

(Phew!)

I laughed so hard and for so long, that people around me started meerkatting (prairie-dogging) to see if I was OK. I literally had to leave my desk and take a walk to calm down.

Here’s a little background info first.

At work we have internal communication software called ‘Slack’. It’s a great tool for keeping the entire business up to date with information through direct messaging or the use of departmental ‘channels’. So, for example, a department like I.T. or Marketing would have a channel that provides updates, information and answers questions and issues from anyone from around the business.

It’s pretty cool.

So, with this in mind….

My colleague had been involved in a long and convoluted email thread about something or other and, after much back and forth, decided to send this beautifully succinct email out to an entire department.

‘I’m going to hop in your slack channel’

Innuendos, Double Entendres and Puns, Oh My! – Part 1

One of the joys of living in America is the overabundance of rude and amusing things that are innocently said by well meaning people, that don’t mean the same thing as they do back in Britain.

Rather than simply smiling to myself and then telling my wife about it later, I’ve decided to put them in a series called ‘Innuendos, Double Entendres and Puns, Oh My!’.

This is the first entry (smirk) of many….I hope. I have another to share, which I will post shortly.

So, without further ado, let’s crack on:

(clears throat)

……

I just walked past a female work colleague in the kitchen area, microwaving something that smelt [smelled] amazing.

Me: “Something smells good.”

Her: “It’s my hot pocket.”

Aaaaahthankyou.

It’s a little too big for her hand, yet she won’t stop playing with it…

I’m sitting at my desk whilst two of my colleagues are having a conversation next to me.

Her – “It’s so big”
Him – “You’ll get used to it”

Her new phone had arrived and they were talking about the size of the screen.

But still…

Bone Appétit

Today at work I saw another opportunity to ‘edit’ something I saw on a colleagues desk.

And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, see:

https://headinablender.com/2018/05/03/a-sign-of-things-to-comma/

…and…

https://headinablender.com/2018/07/18/my-brain-filter-may-need-some-work/

Anyway, no fancy story here today.

No deep, insightful musings.

Just this.

Fully roosted coffee

At work, we have a dedicated private Facebook page in which employees can sell stuff.

It’s pretty good if you want baby clothes, a kitchen gadget they’ve ‘only used a couple [of] times’, and other shit and detritus they don’t want anymore.

Well, I decided to have a peruse through today’s offerings over my morning coffee, and happened upon this item.

You know this is going to be fowl

Usually stuff like this wouldn’t make it onto my blog, but I couldn’t resist with a description like this:

Extra large Cock – FREE to a good home

My first instinct was to look up from my desk and check around me to make sure I wasn’t having my leg pulled.

No, she really wrote that…and it was intended to be sincere.1

What made it even better is that someone commented:

That is a turkey.

To which she replied:

It’s a rooster. A huge cock

Ah, I love the smell of innuendos in the morning.

(slurps coffee)

 

1 – I know this because a) it’s on a public work Facebook channel, and b) innuendos aren’t her thing….believe me!

My brain filter may need some work.

Being a Brit living in America is, mostly, pretty easy.

The main issue I have (other than the stupid way they format their dates, their driving, their TV, their….well, you get my point) is filtering my disgusting and yet hilarious brain from reacting when I find something funny that others REALLY won’t.

After all, offending someone over here is as difficult as fist fighting a baby.

These moments of internal hilarity involve things like growlers, double-fisting and, more recently, this sign I saw on a colleagues desk that was clearly meant to be heartwarming…

You know what’s coming…

It took all my willpower not to put a note on it that reads:

“So are your wife’s tits”.

Does that make me a bad person?

A small entry (apparently)

I try to avoid posting twice in quick succession, especially since it’s been a writing drought recently, but I simply had to share this.

I was driving home from work today and, as I joined the freeway, there was a huge billboard offering ‘Vaginal Tightening’.

This was an occasion where ‘LOL’ was appropriate.

I really did. Loudly.

It was highly amusing and therefore I shared it on Facebook. I mean, it’s funny but I didn’t think it warranted a post of its own.

Anyway, as I neared home I saw a store selling alcohol; a self proclaimed outlet of alcohol, or ‘liquor’ as they called it.

Yes, that’s right, it was called ‘Liquor Outlet’.

I had to pull over before I ROFL’d into the car in front.

Food, friends and fist bumps.

At lunch yesterday, a few of us went to a local eatery to spend time and catch up.

During our conversation we were talking about a recent work funded night out at a local nightclub

*cough* Hakkasan nightclub at MGM Grand *cough*

Anyway, one of our party was telling us how much she had drunk that night, concluding her tale with my favourite sentence of 2016 so far:

“I was forced to double fist.”

She meant this…

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But the action of half choking on my drink, gasping for air and laughing like a busted lawnmower,  indicated to her that maybe…just maybe…I thought she meant something else.

 

image

I had to share this, it was two good to pass up.[1]

Stuff like this doesn’t just make my day, it makes my hole weak.[1]

 

[1] not typos.

A game with big shiny helmets

Despite the world cup going on at the moment, I’m really finding a new love for American Football.

I’ve never been a fan of regular football (or ‘soccer’ as the Americans call it, but let’s be honest, its played with the feet; it’s football), but I really am loving the overly padded brutality of American football (or ‘football’ as the Americans call it, obviously because it’s played with their hands).

That said, I still can’t stop sniggering (or ‘snickering’ if you’re an American, or a lover of chocolate bars) at some of the things the commentators say.

Sure, there are plenty of chuckles to be had at “Nice solid tackle” and “Reached up and grabbed the ball” etc, but I was NOT expecting this…

“They had a tight end split wide”

Brilliant.

Just brilliant.

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