Sorry, just heard the dumbest comment from a girl on the train talking to her boyfriend about a diet she’s going to go on in which you eat a lot of fat.
Him – “you eat a lot of fat?”
Her – “yeah, apparently it’s really good for you because if you eat a lot of fat your body won’t start eating away at your own fat”.
Oh my good god. What a total twat.
Had to share.
Standing on the platform waiting for the platform number to be announced for the train we’re all waiting for, despite the fact that we all know its the train in front of us on platform 19. So here we all stand, adamant we have the right train, but unmoving until its made official in bright orange letters on the black backed information board.
And we wait.
And wait.
And we start shuffling around, checking the boards for other platforms in case we might’ve been wrong, even though we know its the one sitting at platform 19. It’s always platform 19.
It’s approaching 5 minutes late now and we’re all getting fidgety, especially as the train at platform 19 has just been vacated by a sea of people with expressions ranging from beaming smiles, to smacked arse.
And we continue to wait.
People are now starting to call friends and family to loudly announce how late they’re going to be, and to dramatically describe the inconvenience it’s causing them.
One guy in particular gets my attention, mostly because he’s stood right in front of me, but also due to the nature of the conversation I can hear at this end. He clearly has a suspicious and untrusting partner on the end of the line.
“Hi it’s me”
“Yeah I’m still here waiting for the 18:02 but its not here yet”
“Yeah I’m stood right in front of it, and it’s not here so I’m going to be late”
“Well I don’t know”
“How can I if there’s no train?”
“I’m telling you, I’m AT the station and there’s no train announced yet”
“Honestly, there really isn’t!”
“I don’t know (sighs), when I get there. I’ll text you when I leave”
“I will!”
“No idea, they haven’t told us anything”
“There’s no-one around to ask”
“I don’t know”
“I said I have no idea; we’re all waiting for the boards to say which platform”
“I AM on the platform, but we’re waiting for it to come up”
“Ok”
“Ok”
“I’m sorry”
“I said I’m sorry”
“Bye”
Jesus!
He’s got a great Friday night to look forward to.
The train is finally announced.
Platform 17.
I saw the funniest thing the other day. I was going to blog about it there and then, but I wasn’t at a computer, my phone was low on battery and….to be honest….I couldn’t be arsed. But now, having remembered this thing from the other day that, until now, I’d forgotten about….AND the fact that I can now be arsed, here’s what I saw.
There were three guys walking along, cutting through a car park near the train station, chatting away to each other. The guy at the back was saying something when the guy in the middle sneezed. Now, that doesn’t seem unusual or ‘blogworthy’ I admit, but it was the way in which he did it.
Firstly, it wasn’t a typical ‘Ah-choo!’. It kicked off with an incredibly loud noise that could only be described as a cross between the words ‘ear’ and ‘air’; let’s call it ‘eair’. He then didn’t do the ‘choo’ bit, instead blasting snot and nostril detritus through his nose and closed mouth, resulting in a sort of ‘thplrrp”.
So, in conclusion, ‘Ah-choo’ was in fact ‘EAIR! Thplrrp!’. Got it?
But it doesn’t end there.
The ‘EAIR!’ was what attracted my attention to them, but it was the ‘Thplrrp!’ that made me laugh. This is because the sneezer turned to face his talking mate, mid-sneeze, and proceeded to offload his nasal explosion all over his chest.
‘EAIR!’ Turn. ‘THPLRRP!’
His talking mate added in “oh, cheers mate!”, at which point the sneezer simply turned back and very audibly chuckled; “heh heh heh…”
But what made it so funny is the fact that:
a) It didn’t seem out of place or unusual to them
b) The guy in front didn’t even turn around
c) They didn’t even stop walking
This could only happen with blokes.
Hilarious.
Well, what an eventful evening we had.
It started when I received a call from my girlfriend to say the car had been broken into and her handbag had been stolen
Oh shit!
She sounded a little shaken up, but mostly pissed off as she had only been about 20 metres away from the car having stopped by her mum’s house for a couple of minutes to drop something off. She had been standing on the doorstep!
Everything was in there; her credit cards, debit cards, cinema card (the horror!), driving licence etc…oh, and her set of house keys. It’s at this point that the sudden, stomach plummeting thought crossed my mind; her driving licence has our address on it.
Oh shiiiiiit!!
I, at this time, was on the train home and it became obvious that the driver had sensed my sudden desire to get home quicker by slowing down to a crawl.
I got off the train, eventually, and raced to my girlfriend’s mum’s house where I was met with tears, a plastic covered passenger side window and the tail end of several phone calls to the credit card companies.
We drove straight home; all the time playing in my head what I would do if I found one of the little shits in my house. Put it this way; they’d never leave.
Thankfully I didn’t need to worry about hiding bodies. No-one was there.
So, let me summarise….
– Locksmith to change all the locks = £200
– Excess to insurance company to replace the window later today = £75
– Cash in my girlfriend’s purse because, typically, she’d been to the bank = £410!
That’s nearly £700 spent for the pleasure of guilt, regret, anger, frustration, sadness and violation.
So I have a message to the thieves who made our evening such an enjoyable one (and apologies in advance to my parents for the colourful language I’m about to use).
“I hope you and your inbred, knuckle dragging family shit pineapples until you drop dead of some slow and painful cock-rotting disease, you total fucking arseholes”.
Thank you for your time.
The guard on the train this fine Monday morning made an announcement explaining why we’d stopped short of Three Bridges station. He started with: “Good morning ladies and gentlemen. I’m sorry about the delay in arriving at the station but we’re waiting for a platform to become available…”
All good so far. Something I hear quite regularly, although I admit I’m a bit pissed off as I’m likely to be late for work now.
He then pauses for what seems an eternity. All we can hear is the background of whichever carriage he’s nested in today, and his breathing. Yes, we’re all sat here listening to a stranger’s breath over the tannoy.
Bit weird and awkward.
A couple of commuters exchange glances that say ‘hmm, this is not only weird, but a little bit awkward too’.
Im glad I’m not the only one thinking it.
He then says ‘erm’ a few times before continuing: “this is, erm, (pause), erm, because of delays caused by, erm, a broken down train between, er, Three Bridges and East Croydon, erm, (long pause), erm….(another long pause…I think he’s going to cry) erm, I, erm, would like to apologise for the ,er, delay and for, erm, any inconvenience caused”. His voice is starting to sound shaky and trails off.
‘Odd’ I think to myself.
And as we’re sat there in silence with only the sound of the train heaters for company I swear, somewhere in the distance, I can hear gentle sobbing.
It’s going to be one of those weeks.
Slurp.
Massively loud swallow.
Heavy breathe out.
Repeat for nearly 40 minutes.
The guy next to me on the train is about to wear his fucking coffee.
Grrr!!!!
Have you ever walked past a bench or tree surrounded by empty beer cans?
Me too.
It’s a sign that, at some point last night, there was a social gathering which no doubt pissed off the occupants of the surrounding houses. Either that or a lone drunk having dinner.
So can someone explain to me what it means when you see a tree surrounded by 10-12 bottles of Actimel and Yakult?
I can understand an addiction to alcohol; but L. Casei Immunitas?
Is there a Probiotics Anonymous?
Click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click…
I love sitting next to people on the train who haven’t figured out how to turn off their button sounds when texting.
I fucking shitting love it.
I have the two most annoying girls sat next to me on the train. They are talking constantly, and luckily the ONLY two people talking on the entire carriage.
It’s ok, I didn’t want to sleep anyway. It’s fine ladies, you carry on. And on. And on. And on.
To add context, they both say ‘yah’ instead of ‘yeah’, and the word ‘Uni’ comes up a lot. You know the type.
But what’s fascinating is how much they use the word ‘like’ in a sentence.
Allow me to, like, demonstrate….
Let’s use the simple sentence;
“We went to a great bar last night with a group of people and it was good”
This is how they’d, like, say it;
“Oh my God! We, like, went to, like, this great bar last night and, like, we went with, like, this huge, like group of, like, people and it was, like, soooo amazing and stuff!”
Add in hand gestures that look like they’re playing chords with both hands on an invisible piano.
Also, they also go up at the end of each sentence making it sound like a question. Those of you who know me will understand how infuriating that is! For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t worry…I’ll blog about it at some point.
Anyway…
I have my camera and tripod with me today, so I’m contemplating twatting them both across the face with them. Twice each; just for good measure.
Don’t want to damage my camera though.
I get on the over packed train, having sprinted like a lunatic to catch it, and look everywhere for a seat. I walk down carriage upon carriage of smug commuters looking for my own little slice of heaven, but alas…nowhere to sit.
Then, in between the two EMPTY first class compartments, just where the carriages are coupled, I find a fold down seat not dissimilar to the jump seats used by cabin crew on an aircraft. There’s no one around, there’s no one using it…so I sit down.
Mmm, comfy.
The train pulls away and I settle down to play games on my iPhone.
Perfect.
I look up and down the carriage and it’s standing room only as far as the eye can see. I’m definitely part of the smug crowd.
About 3 mins into the commute I hear footsteps getting closer and closer. They stop to my left and I sense someone stood over me.
I don’t look up.
“Can I help you sir?”, comes a voice in a thick African accent.
“Sorry?”
“Can I help you sir?”, he repeats, in exactly the same way.
“Oh do you want to see my ticket?” I ask, knowing full well what he’s getting at.
“You can’t sit here” he continues.
“Why’s that?” I ask.
“You can’t sit here” he repeats again, not actually answering my question.
I stand up “sorry, why can’t I sit here? The train is packed and there’s nowhere to sit”
“Dis is for staff sir” he says, stating the bleedin’ obvious.
“But there’s no one sat here” I argue, knowing I’m going to be as successful as a dog walker, bag in hand, watching their dog squirt diarrhoea all over the floor.
“Dis is for staff sir” he repeats, like a parrot who’s been taught a phrase but hasn’t got a clue about the right sort of delivery.
Polly want a cracker?
I look him in the eye, smile and say “Oh! I see! It’s for you is it?”
“It’s for staff sir” he says again, causing me to suspect he may, just possibly, be absent a personality.
“Oh, well in that case I’ll go and stand over there uncomfortably with everyone else. Thank you so very much”. I walk back through the EMPTY first class compartment and join the sauna.
“Dis is for staff”
Yeah, I heard you the first 9 times you insufferable Jobsworth.
Luckily this train is really, really delayed and I’m left standing here amongst the coughers, newspaper rustlers and that one guy whose ipod is turned up so loud he’s having problems keeping his balance.
I may garrotte him with his headphones.
Mind you, he hasn’t got to endure those annoying phone users who all take this opportunity to call home and advise of their tardiness. They all start the same bloody way; “hi hun it’s me…me. It’s me. Hello? Yeah it’s me. I’ve got no sig…hello? Yeah I’ve got no signal! Hello? Hello can you hear me? Hello…my train is delayed and….” (Cut off)
They then get called back (with their ringtone at full volume…enough to startle Mr iPod) and repeat the above conversation, almost word for word.
End and repeat.
End and repeat.
In the meantime the guard has pissed off down the train somewhere and isn’t even using the ‘staff seat’.
Think
I
Might
Scream
A proper fight kicked off on the train between a young 20 something girl and some guy. She was shouting abuse the likes of which would offend anyone with a sensitive disposition.
She then angrily stomped down the carriage towards the end I was sat at and I suddenly realised, there was an empty seat next to me! Oh shit!!
She continued with “you shut the fuck up bruv, you shut up yeah!?” and classics like “you little prick! That’s what you are, a little prick!!”
She got closer….her massive hoop earrings clattering against her numerous necklaces.
Shit shit shit.
Then suddenly she disappeared into a spare seat 3 rows in front of me, still shouting “fucking dickhead”, and “go back to where you got those scars you prick!”, although most of it is to herself as the guy had gone.
I felt sorry for the little timid woman she’d sat next to, whose eyes were firmly fixed, unblinking, to her kindle.
She then picked up her phone to call, who us sniggering commuters can assume was, her ‘home girl’
Here are a few choices from this side of her phone conversation (In a proper rudegirl gangsta girl stylee…at full volume)
“I should’ve put my heels to his knees.”
“Acting like some princess; what a c**t”
“Do you still think of me when you’re on the toilet?”
“He’s all up in my face like ‘oh you pushed me!’ like some chief yeah!”
“I ain’t playin’ man, I ain’t playin’!”
There were more but she was spouting them at such a speed in her gravelly ’40 a day’ voice that I couldn’t catch them all.
Now she’s sat there singing along to her iPod. Yep, singing. And still swearing under her breath.
I think the kindle woman was supposed to get off at the last stop.
Is it me or can you smell certain foods and drinks through your pores or in your pee after you’ve had them?
Hmm….could be me? It’s probably me….
The ones that come to mind are:
Garlic
Asparagus
Coffee
Marmite
BBQ sauce
Beer
Curry
Jelly Babies and other sweets
Pizza
Doner kebab
Cream soda
Any others? Probably.
Is it just me?
Probably just me….
Yeah, it’s me….
Just read in the newspaper (over someone’s shoulder on the train admittedly) that a painting sold at auction for over £47 million last night.
How fucking much??? It’s just canvas and paint right?
I saw the painting; it’s one of those ridiculous affairs that’s just a red stripe with an orange stripe, and some red, with a bit of orange…and red. I have shit like that in my art folder from infant school.
But what makes it worse is that about 3ft in front of me is a poster from the Marine Conservation Society begging for a £5 donation to stop harmful marine litter maiming and killing turtles, seals and all other types of marine life. It even has a picture of a seal caught up in discarded fishing rope; poor little guy.
So 1 painting = around 9.4 million seals.
Sigh…
I wandered out at lunch to grab a bite.
As I meandered down the street I saw a guy coming the other way. Nothing untoward so far.
However, he suddenly slowed down, frowned and then mouthed the words “shhhhit. Oh for fuck’s sake”. Clearly he’d suddenly realised there was something he’d forgotten to do.
For the rest of the time it took to pass him he looked proper fucked off.
Ha ha gutted.
I was all snug and comfy on the train this morning, starting to doze off.
However, two or three stops into my journey, a guy and a girl sat down behind me reeking of cigarettes and talking complete bollocks at a volume suitable enough to keep me and most of the 12 carriage train from sleeping.
Great.
But this isn’t about how loud they were or how pungent their aroma was….no, this is about what made me smirk when we all got off the train.
It seemed the deep, gruff manly voice belonged to the woman, and the higher pitched soft girly voice actually belonged to the guy.
He was also wearing more foundation.
No comment.
On my way to the tube station this evening I saw three guys on the floor going through their bags, clearly looking for something they’ve lost.
I hate it when that happens.
As I got closer I realised that they weren’t rummaging through personal bags or rucksacks, they were bin bags.
These were three homeless guys outside Greggs (the bakers) looking for any food that had been thrown out by the rest of us who didn’t fancy it.
I realise this is my first ‘non humorous’ post, but this experience was so humbling and had such an impact on me that I couldn’t just forget about it.
It really makes you appreciate what you’ve got.
Another incessant talker on the train.
She just…won’t…stop…talking.
It all comes out like one unrelenting sentence without stopping for air or punctuation.
It’s likely this woman never farts as her mouth isn’t closed long enough to build up any pressure
Her friend (I assume; it could be a random passenger who is having just the worst journey into work right now) is simply there to provide the occasional ‘yeah’, ‘oh right’ and ‘oh dear’.
But we know what she really wants to reply with. It’s what we’re all thinking….
“Shut the fuck up love”
You know those sort of smells that are both delicious and disgusting, depending on context?
Allow me to give an example.
I love the smell of fish and chips. It brings back so many fond memories and I can’t get enough of it.
And then there’s the open legs of the grossly overweight and sweaty man sat opposite me on the train….
Same smell.
This morning my journey into work started with a delayed bus that got me to the station later than I’d hoped. I still managed to catch my intended train, but I had to run…which in work attire first thing in the morning, when my limbs are creaky and cold, tends to resemble a newborn deer; gangly and awkward.
Having made my train and rewarding myself with a mental high five I settled down into an empty seat and looked forward to my nap. This morning’s nap would be exceptionally enjoyable as I was on an earlier train today and I knew I didn’t have a mentally insane power walk the other end.
Half way into the journey the driver announced, whilst sat at a station, that there was a technical difficulty with the doors and we wouldn’t be going anywhere for at least 20 minutes.
Great.
So I settled into a nice deep sleep, which resulted in snorting myself awake when the driver’s voice came over the tannoy again (see previous blog entry: ‘Wakey Wakey’)
I finally made it into London, 2 minutes before I need to be at work; 20 minutes away.
Time to be Bambi again.
And the delays didn’t stop there.
I got stopped by two people whose Oyster cards wouldn’t let them through the barrier, a woman who kept stopping with her suitcase without warning, a train that was held in the station for 3 minutes (which equates to 3hrs overground) due to a stop signal, a guy on the escalator who was more preoccupied with his kindle than walking up the escalator (he got a sharp jab in the ribs for his efforts), and an elevator that finally moved after the doors opened and closed 6 times.
What is it with doors today??
So all in all, quite a prolonged commute into work. Perfect for a Monday.
I can only hope that fate had a plan and, by delaying me, ensured I avoided being hit by a car, mugged, shot, blown up or (worst of all) being stopped by charity people with dreadlocks and clipboards.
I just loudly snored myself awake on a delayed, and therefore packed, train.
I tried styling it out by following up instantly with sniffing loudly, clearing my throat and then looking at my watch as if somehow it would come across as an elaborate and annoyed clearing of my throat intended to show my annoyance and disgust at being late for work on a Monday.
It didn’t.
All I achieved was scaring the shit out of the couple sat opposite me.
Head In A Blender 