In the past I used to believe that America was home to some of the dumbest people on the planet. After all, they have no clue about anything outside America and their grasp of sarcasm and humour (or ‘humor’) is as tight as a slut’s vagina.
But after meeting my wife, who is from Las Vegas, I’ve had a lot more exposure to them (Americans, not sluts’ vaginas) and I’ve come to realise that this belief isn’t true. I mean, it’s true of a lot of Americans, but it’s not fair to tar them all with the same brush.
Since my wife came to England I’ve started seeing the country through her eyes and cracks are beginning to form. I’m slowly noticing that we are a lot more flawed as a nation than I realised, or cared to admit. It’s like peeking behind the curtain at a magic show to see levers, pulleys and a white rabbit taking a colossal dump into a top hat.
England is also home to some of the dumbest people on the planet.
Case in point:
Last night, on the London Underground, my wife and I got off the train at Victoria station and shuffled with the masses towards the two upward escalators leading to the surface. There were two guys in front of us and as we approached the escalators, one of the guys took the left escalator and the other took the right.
Neither of us paid any attention until one of the guys started talking to the other. With a distance of around six feet between them and the combined noise of the escalator and the throng of chatting commuters, I should say one started shouting to the other.
Guy 1 – “So what happened next?”
Guy 2 – “What?”
Guy 1 – “I SAID, WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?”
Guy 2 – “Oh, right. Well she decided she was going to work Saturday instead”
Guy 1 – “She was going to what?”
Guy 2 – “PARDON?”
Guy 1 – “SHE WAS GOING TO WHAT?”
Guy 2 – “WORK SATURDAY INSTEAD!”
Guy 1 – “AH, I THOUGHT SHE MIGHT”
Guy 2 – “WHAT?”
I couldn’t believe it. These two guys were together! It wasn’t that busy in the station which meant they weren’t herded accidentally onto separate escalators; they’d CHOSEN to do that.
I looked back at my wife who was staring at them in disbelief. She looked back at me, rolled her eyes and mouthed the words “Why the fuck?”
As we reached the top of the escalator my wife shared her thoughts with me.
For fuck’s sake England!
When an American living here rants about the sheer stupidity of people around her, it’s time to sit up and pay attention.