Bogey or Booger? You pick.

During a conversation with colleagues at work today, the subject moved to bogies [boogers].

This is indicative of the level of maturity we share.

It strikes me as odd that of all the things in the world to have a different word attributed to it, solidified nasal discharge would never have been on my list.  Now, for a change, I’m not saying the UK word is better than the US word.  In fact, they’re both a bit strange.

The UK word. ‘bogey‘ is also another word for one stroke over par in golf, or an enemy in an aerial dogfight.  Having “a bogey on your tail” means an enemy is coming up behind you and you’re in trouble…or a toddler got a bit too close to the family dog.

The US word ‘booger‘ is another word for…well, nothing actually.  Booger isn’t anything else, so by definition this word should be THE word for our beloved congealed snot balls.

I think that’s the one we should pick (groan).

Now, since living in Las Vegas I’ve noticed a distinct difference in the quality of my nose candy.  In the UK they were slimier, wetter and more malleable.  In Las Vegas they come out like a large piece of tree bark and can be used to saw logs in half.  This is useful when you’re shy a bread knife.

Obviously this is due to the lack of humidity in the Nevadan air compared to Blighty, but I do miss rolling them up and flicking them at people.

Now I just use them as a shiv.

bark-bogey

Phlegm fatale

On the London Underground this morning I was watching a woman sat down, meticulously adjusting her hair in a small hand-held mirror.

This little bit back there; this bit brought forward etc… 

She was being very thorough and at one stage appeared to be struggling to get one part of her hair to go where she wanted it to.  This may be because the train was being jostled left and right vigorously, but it’s likely because gravity actually exists.

Suddenly she stopped and looked up, like a deer hearing a twig snap in the quiet wood or that realisation that you’ve probably left the iron on at home.  She was motionless, looking directly forward with intent and concern at no-one in particular.

“Atchoo!!”

She sneezed into her hand.  The hand she then re-applied to her hair.

I always thought sneezes were unpredictable and unintentional, but her (now ‘gravity defying’) hair would suggest otherwise.

snot hair gel

Snot Funny!

I saw the funniest thing the other day.  I was going to blog about it there and then, but I wasn’t at a computer, my phone was low on battery and….to be honest….I couldn’t be arsed.  But now, having remembered this thing from the other day that, until now, I’d forgotten about….AND the fact that I can now be arsed, here’s what I saw.

There were three guys walking along, cutting through a car park near the train station, chatting away to each other.  The guy at the back was saying something when the guy in the middle sneezed.  Now, that doesn’t seem unusual or ‘blogworthy’ I admit, but it was the way in which he did it.

Firstly, it wasn’t a typical ‘Ah-choo!’.  It kicked off with an incredibly loud noise that could only be described as a cross between the words ‘ear’ and ‘air’; let’s call it ‘eair’.  He then didn’t do the ‘choo’ bit, instead blasting snot and nostril detritus through his nose and closed mouth, resulting in a sort of ‘thplrrp”.

So, in conclusion, ‘Ah-choo’ was in fact ‘EAIR! Thplrrp!’.  Got it?

But it doesn’t end there.

The ‘EAIR!’ was what attracted my attention to them, but it was the ‘Thplrrp!’ that made me laugh.  This is because the sneezer turned to face his talking mate, mid-sneeze, and proceeded to offload his nasal explosion all over his chest.

‘EAIR!’ Turn. ‘THPLRRP!’

His talking mate added in “oh, cheers mate!”, at which point the sneezer simply turned back and very audibly chuckled; “heh heh heh…”

But what made it so funny is the fact that:
a) It didn’t seem out of place or unusual to them
b) The guy in front didn’t even turn around
c) They didn’t even stop walking

This could only happen with blokes.

Hilarious.