Jesus saves…and he’s managed to save enough for a deposit on a billboard.

Posted on May 31, 2019 by headinablender

I know I try and stay away from any religious content because, well, America. But sometimes they poke the bear a few too many times and I have to at least growl a bit.

So, this billboard is a real thing over here.

What do you think; a little preachy?

Hmm, I’m not sure these pillocks know how procreation works. Without lust, no-one would be having sex and then we wouldn’t have babies to continue the species.

Oh wait, these twats also put these up.

So much facepalm.

Well, at least Jesus saves. I mean, as long as you don’t count cancer, AIDS, cot death, famine, poverty or any disputes, conflicts or wars in his name.

So……….

A truck filled with wood, plastic and all things irony

Posted on Sep 5, 2017 by headinablender

This morning I was driving behind a pick up truck filled to capacity with an assortment of ladders, poles, planks, pointy metal things, tubing, plastic containers and other dooberrywhatsits I couldn’t describe if my life depended on it.

One of the things I CAN describe is the big white sticker on the back that read ‘Safety Is My Number One Goal’.

I noticed this sticker just before he violently mounted the central reservation (median) and nearly scattered indescribable carnage across the road like the dramatic end of a drunken Jenga match.

So that was terrifying.

Jesus Trucking Christ

Posted on Aug 8, 2017 by headinablender

My wife and I were in traffic when we saw these two rival gardening and landscaping trucks side by side.

The one on the left appears to be heavily influenced by religion.

But that’s nothing…

With the one on the right, you get to actually speak to Jesus.

Who you gonna call?

They’re taking the piss now

Posted on May 7, 2017 by headinablender

In true acronym form, there is a medical condition here in America called OAB.

For those of you unaware of what OAB stands for, or if you’re a fucking camel, OAB stands for Over Active Bladder.

Actually, the word ‘Overactive’ is not two words but I haven’t got the strength, the time or the energy to take the piss out of them for this.

Pun intended.

Anyway, OAB is a big thing here in America. I’m sure it’s a big deal elsewhere in the world to those of us with the bladder of a 3 year old girl, but it seems to be a bigger problem here in America.

I can’t fathom why.

This is actually a ‘small’

The sweet taste of idiocy

Posted on Oct 4, 2016 by headinablender

My local gym has a multitude of TV screens scattered all over the place. At face value you would think they’re for entertainment purposes, but it appears they’re just another way to push products down our throats between crappy music videos and advertising for tattoo removal and a boutique that will trim your minge.

They make me angry (commercials, not minges), which actually fuels my workout, so no complaints there.

Anyway, this morning one of the screens had something I just had to write about. The screen read:

‘Latest news: Studies have shown that Americans consume too much sugar, a majority of which is found in sugary drinks.’

I literally stopped working out, mid set, mouth agape. Was I really seeing this? Is this really latest news?

Mind you, I was drinking Coke Zero at a party recently and a friend of mine asked what it was.

I took a moment to compose myself and told him that it was sugar free (and full of chemicals that will probably give you cancer, but hey….thin is good, right?) and has no calories. He couldn’t believe it. He had a sip and said “where has this been all my life!?”.

On a shelf in the supermarket mate, next to the full fat shit that you and everyone else buys.

(Don’t even get me started on the elusive nature of diet drinks in the US. That’s a post for another time).

Anyway, the ‘Latest News‘ continued:

‘Some experts have said that too much sugar can lead to cases of obesity and diabetes”

Can lead? CAN lead?? WILL lead, you fat twats! And how come it’s ‘some‘ experts saying this? What about the other experts who think sugar is OK?

But who am I to judge? Maybe these experts are right and sugar ISN’T responsible for America having the largest (pun intended) population of obese people in the world and the highest cases of diabetes.

Chances are president Obama is to blame, or Al-Queda; they seem to be the scapegoats of choice nowadays.

Ooh, political!

Before this gets all serious and preachy, here’s a palette cleanser.

A car in front of me on the freeway this morning had ‘We are currently hiring excellent drivers‘ advertised across the back of it, just as it drifted across three lanes and left the freeway without indicating.

Ah, Americans. I seriously fucking love ’em!

Oxymorons

Posted on Sep 3, 2016 by headinablender

This morning, as I drove up to the gym, I noticed several cars circling the car park (parking lot) like sharks.

I soon realised they were looking for spaces that were as close to the gym entrance as possible.

These people were actually trying to avoid having to walk too far. Now, I could understand this behaviour if it was raining or the zombie apocalypse was upon us, but this is Las Vegas; it’s nothing but sunshine and blue skies.

It’s a hard life.

What makes it more ridiculous is the fact that I saw these pillocks 20 minutes later clocking up miles on the treadmill.

Still, at least these cretins didn’t get my space right by the entrance.

Result.

Irony is wasted on the clueless.

Posted on Aug 6, 2016 by headinablender

I’ve just seen a woman, easily over 300 pounds in weight, wearing a t-shirt that read:

Work Hard

Train Hard

Live Hard

More like “Eat Hard”.

And then eventually “Die Hard”.

Then again, replacing the ‘H’ with an ‘L’ would’ve worked too.

Isn’t it a bit contradictory to produce that article of clothing in any size larger than, well, Large?

Unless of course its purpose is to inspire people to get fitter and lose weight.

She was sat outside a ‘Red Robin’ burger joint waiting to go in.

What do you think?

Is the pen REALLY mightier than the sword?

Posted on Jun 3, 2016 by headinablender

There are phrases out there in the world that people have tattooed on bodies, printed on clothing and plastered all over social media profiles to make them appear somehow more profound.

I’m talking about the sort of drivel designed to be inspirational or empowering, but actually results in me despising them more than a complete stranger should.

These are words of encouragement to let you know you’re special…a unique little snowflake.

Here are a couple of examples:

“Only God can judge me”

Hmm, I’m not sure I – and groups of people all over the world known as ‘Juries’ – fully agree with that one.

“What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”

What about arthritis?

Anyway, yesterday at the gym I saw a guy wearing a t shirt with this slogan emblazoned across the back of it.

“No weapon formed against me shall prosper”

So I shot him.

Give me a sign…and I will point and laugh at it.

Posted on Dec 24, 2015 by headinablender

Yesterday I was in traffic, sat behind a truck that had the slogan:

‘Behind You All The Way’.

Ah, the irony.

I was on my way to see Star Wars Episode VII : The Force Awakens for the second time.

When I got to the cinema I realised I was extremely early (like I was keen to get there, for some reason) and my man date hadn’t arrived yet. Out of boredom I began wandering around the child-filled lobby, raising suspicion with security.

My boredom took a breather when I saw this sign on the wall…

OK, so most of this is standard stuff about not bringing in your own food and switching off your phone…blah blah blah, but it was a little disturbing to read ‘no weapons’.

Does that include lightsabers?

It was scary to see that written on a sign that was NOT trying to be funny. They meant it. If you’re armed you’d better not mess with these people, they have a sign. What do you have?

Oh, wait…

But my favourite part was that they felt it necessary to advise they WILL wake you up if you’re snoring, like it’s a regular thing.

This had me laughing out loud to myself.

Security began to close in.

This, combined with the contradictory truck logo, reminded me I had two or three amusing photos on my phone that I was saving for a potential blog post in the future.

Well, now this post is that post.

Enjoy.

On the back of a camping chair (and down the front of my pants)

We need to protect the gaylords it seems….or are they there to protect us?

TV show about your mother.

The breakfast contradiction

Posted on Sep 20, 2015 by headinablender

Today is my wife’s birthday so – in the face of all the visits to the gym over the last month – we decided to treat ourselves to breakfast at IHOP.

For those who don’t know IHOP, it’s an acronym for ‘International House Of Pancakes’.

It’s not international.

Anyway, on my way to the toilet I passed a woman sat having breakfast with her family.

She was huge. I mean BIG!

This isn’t unusual in this fine country, but I have to say that her ‘Planet Fitness’ T-shirt was a bit of a stretch (or a lot of a stretch if you know what I mean).

Fitness indeed.

“Fitness whole stack of pancakes in my mouth” more like.

Fitness this pizza in my mouth

Posted on May 29, 2015 by headinablender

A couple of days ago my wife and I decided to go into town to shop for shoes. Well, my wife wanted to go into town for shoes and I was driving…so….

Anyway, at one point I saw a woman who was either:

A) fat
B) pregnant

I could only assume she was fat because, well, she was the ugliest thing I’d seen since Gremlins.

Seriously, parents were pulling their children away from her.

Either way, I don’t think she saw the irony in being fully kitted out in Adidas sportswear.

The perverse incentives of phones (and ninjas)

Posted on Feb 19, 2015 by headinablender

Here’s a shining example of a perverse incentive if ever there was one.

When my phone’s battery is dying, my phone decides to alert me by leaping into life and bleeping loudly whilst lighting up the big LED screen with a warning that my battery is low.

Yeah, that helps.

This warning then keeps the screen brightly lit until I acknowledge it by pressing the ‘OK’ button. Even then, it doesn’t switch to standby until I do it myself.

It’s like shouting “You’re being very quiet and stealthy!” to a ninja, mid-creep.

He knows. And now he isn’t.

Oh look, my battery has drained drastically in the last 2 minutes for some reason.

Oh look, the ninja has been stabbed through the face by the palace guards.

Chesney Hawkes would turn in his grave (if he were dead)

Posted on Nov 12, 2014 by headinablender

As most of you know, I work in the travel industry.

There is a chain of hotels called ‘One&Only’, which actually consists of 8 resorts with 5 more on the way.

One & only, my ass.

This paint can be used on metal. What about iron(y)?

Posted on Oct 16, 2014 by headinablender

Seeing stuff like this makes my day.

William Wallace would have been proud.

Posted on Jul 31, 2014 by headinablender

This morning at the train station I saw a young guy with a tattoo on his forearm that read “Live Free”.

He was also on his way to work.

Some people make this too easy.

Unique…just like everyone else.

Posted on Apr 14, 2014 by headinablender

At the station this evening I saw a girl wearing a T-shirt that read:

‘One And Only’

Yes, I’m sure it was the only t-shirt that company printed.

The tortoise and the hare

Posted on Feb 12, 2014 by headinablender

Recently my wife started working at the same company as me. Her role in the company requires us to get into work a little closer to 8.30am than 9am.

Dammit.

In order to achieve this we’ve discovered we can catch the same train I’ve always caught and then get off at the following station to connect with a much faster train into London.

Make sense?

So why haven’t I always done this?

Well, there is a method in my madness. The train I always catch is virtually empty with tons of cosy seats for much needed snoozing, whereas the faster (and therefore more popular) train is standing room only; packed full of happy and joyful commuters all too happy that I’m taking up that last square inch of space on the train.

It’s all very intimate. Lots of touching.

So, in true form, we boarded the slow and empty train and took a seat. It was a little taster of what we could’ve had if we’d stayed on board, but soon enough the next station was upon us and we reluctantly got off.

It was a cold and rainy morning, so that always makes it easier.

The train sat in the station for a few minutes and I took this time to smile at the amount of people running to get on before it left. There were a lot of them this morning for some reason.

Maybe they knew something we didnt.

Maybe they should’ve risen out of bed earlier this morning.

Maybe I hadn’t noticed in the past because by this time I was usually sat on my virtually empty train; head back, mouth open.

My favourite of these platform runners was the business man who sprinted at the doors just as they began to close, managing to wedge his hand between them in a futile attempt to prise them open like some kind of action hero.

The doors didn’t open.

He removed his hand.

I smiled and turned to my wife, “That’s happened to me so many times”, before turning back and continuing with, “Ha ha, gutted mate”.

The guard blew his whistle and the train slowly started to pull away. The business man looked thoroughly pissed off, as did the others who didnt even manage to get close enough for some ‘hand in door’ action. But, to be honest, they needn’t be; the next train was also heading to London Victoria station and would actually get them in 15 minutes earlier.

Granted it’ll be standing room only, but its all very friendly.

Why the rush for this particular train? Calm down people. The faster train is just behind it. Relax.

We looked up at the information board which was still displaying the virtually empty, and still slowly departing, train and waited to see if the fast train behind it was on time.

‘Cancelled’

What?? No!!!

We shouldn’t have got off!

The slower train would’ve got us to the office on time, but now we were going to be late.

The runners knew. They KNEW!

Shit.

And as we watched the virtually empty ‘slow’ train full of warm and comfy seats (that we’d just been sitting on) leave the station I swear I caught the business man smiling at me.

Ha ha, gutted mate.

Blind leading the blind…

Posted on Oct 8, 2013 by headinablender

Does anyone else see the irony in this?

Pratform announcement

Posted on Jul 20, 2013 by headinablender

An announcement just came over the speakers at Watford station to say that train doors may close up to 30 seconds before the train is due to depart. As a result it is advisable to be on the platform in plenty of time for your train.

These speakers are ON the platform.