Irony is wasted on the clueless.

I’ve just seen a woman, easily over 300 pounds in weight, wearing a t-shirt that read:

Work Hard

Train Hard

Live Hard

More like “Eat Hard”.

And then eventually “Die Hard”.

Then again, replacing the ‘H’ with an ‘L’ would’ve worked too.

Isn’t it a bit contradictory to produce that article of clothing in any size larger than, well, Large?

Unless of course its purpose is to inspire people to get fitter and lose weight.

She was sat outside a ‘Red Robin’ burger joint waiting to go in.

What do you think?

The breakfast contradiction

Today is my wife’s birthday so – in the face of all the visits to the gym over the last month – we decided to treat ourselves to breakfast at IHOP.

For those who don’t know IHOP, it’s an acronym for ‘International House Of Pancakes’.

It’s not international.

Anyway, on my way to the toilet I passed a woman sat having breakfast with her family.

She was huge. I mean BIG!

This isn’t unusual in this fine country, but I have to say that her ‘Planet Fitness’ T-shirt was a bit of a stretch (or a lot of a stretch if you know what I mean).

Fitness indeed.

“Fitness whole stack of pancakes in my mouth” more like.

The tortoise and the hare

Recently my wife started working at the same company as me.  Her role in the company requires us to get into work a little closer to 8.30am than 9am.

Dammit.

In order to achieve this we’ve discovered we can catch the same train I’ve always caught and then get off at the following station to connect with a much faster train into London.

Make sense?

So why haven’t I always done this?

Well, there is a method in my madness.  The train I always catch is virtually empty with tons of cosy seats for much needed snoozing, whereas the faster (and therefore more popular) train is standing room only; packed full of happy and joyful commuters all too happy that I’m taking up that last square inch of space on the train.

It’s all very intimate.  Lots of touching.

So, in true form, we boarded the slow and empty train and took a seat.  It was a little taster of what we could’ve had if we’d stayed on board, but soon enough the next station was upon us and we reluctantly got off.

It was a cold and rainy morning, so that always makes it easier.

The train sat in the station for a few minutes and I took this time to smile at the amount of people running to get on before it left.  There were a lot of them this morning for some reason.

Maybe they knew something we didnt.

Maybe they should’ve risen out of bed earlier this morning.

Maybe I hadn’t noticed in the past because by this time I was usually sat on my virtually empty train; head back, mouth open.

My favourite of these platform runners was the business man who sprinted at the doors just as they began to close, managing to wedge his hand between them in a futile attempt to prise them open like some kind of action hero.

The doors didn’t open.

He removed his hand.

I smiled and turned to my wife, “That’s happened to me so many times”, before turning back and continuing with, “Ha ha, gutted mate”.

The guard blew his whistle and the train slowly started to pull away.  The business man looked thoroughly pissed off, as did the others who didnt even manage to get close enough for some ‘hand in door’ action.  But, to be honest, they needn’t be; the next train was also heading to London Victoria station and would actually get them in 15 minutes earlier.

Granted it’ll be standing room only, but its all very friendly.

Why the rush for this particular train?  Calm down people.  The faster train is just behind it.  Relax.

We looked up at the information board which was still displaying the virtually empty, and still slowly departing, train and waited to see if the fast train behind it was on time.

‘Cancelled’

What??  No!!!

We shouldn’t have got off!

The slower train would’ve got us to the office on time, but now we were going to be late.

The runners knew.  They KNEW!

Shit.

And as we watched the virtually empty ‘slow’ train full of warm and comfy seats (that we’d just been sitting on) leave the station I swear I caught the business man smiling at me.

Ha ha, gutted mate.

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Who would’ve thought? It figures…

I was talking to one of the guys at work this morning about music.  I told him I was currently listening to Alanis Morissette’s ‘Jagged Little Pill’ album.  This resulted in an awkward pause in the conversation, followed by a look from him that implied I’d grown a vagina.

“Really?” he said.

“Of course” I replied, “It has to rate up there as one of the top 10 albums of all time”

“Hmm, I only know that one song of hers” he continued.

“Which one’s that?”

“That one that made her famous”

Well, at least he wasn’t being vague.

I then proceeded to hum a few tunes from the album, all of which resulted in a “oh, I know that one!”

10 seconds later Alanis Morissette came on the radio.

Isn’t that Ironic, don’t you think?

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