Slip me some skin, bruh!

This morning at the gym I saw something I have not seen in all the time I’ve lived in America.

Two friends saw each other, said “Hi” and….(gulp)….shook hands!

That’s right!  No fist bump, no high five, no “Dylan, you son of a bitch!”[1], no hand slap and hug, no weird and convoluted series of hand gestures like the lovemaking of two horny teenagers; just a simple, honest to goodness hand shake.

Wow.  Just wow.

Kobe Mamba Handshake

handshakeweird

 

 

[1] If you don’t know what this means, shame on you.  Shame, shame, shame.

But to give you some context, it looks like this:

dylan

“Dylan, you son of a bitch!”

 

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“I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say hello” – The Beatles

I got to work a bit early this morning, so took the opportunity to make myself some coffee and toast.

Whilst I was waiting by the toaster another employee came over to put some Tupperware’d nastiness in the microwave.  We smiled and performed the customary “Good Morning”, the optional “How’s your day going?” and (as I found out very quickly) the unnecessary “I’m utterly fucked”.

I must say, her face indicated that maybe, just maybe, I may have gone a tad too far; but she asked….so….

Anyway, she went back to zapping her box of whatever and I went back to waiting for my toast to ‘Shadunk‘ out of the toaster, when another employee walked by and shouted out to my new ‘friend’.

“Yoo Hoo gurl!” (not a typo; she said ‘gurl’, not ‘girl’)

“Oh, toodle-oo!”

Face palm.  That’s ‘goodbye’, you twat.

Ding!

Shadunk!

Oh, thank fuck.

toaster hit

Pardon my French…er, I mean American.

Last week I was walking behind an American woman who was holding hands with her young daughter and talking to two young French girls.  She was asking them about France and how to say certain words in French.

As I got closer I heard:

“So, how do ya’ll say ‘Camden‘ in French?”

There was a pause as the two girls looked at each other bemused, and then turned slowly back to the woman.

One of them replied:

“Er, Camden eez ze name of a market in London, no?”

Woman “Uh huh” said the woman, not getting it; “So how do y’all say it in French?”

There was another pause as the French girl tried to decipher if there was something she missed, or a meaning she hadn’t considered…or if it was simply a stupid fucking question.

Finally she looked back at the woman and gave the only answer she possibly could.

“Camden”

The French have another word that’s the same as English.

Imbécile.
Really dumb

Expect the expected

Here’s a post I haven’t been able to post due to switching computers at work and technology was acting like a Cuban Airport Employee.

Well, I’ve managed to retrieve the file before launching the old machine through the air, and the window, into the street.

Here it is.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Yesterday I went to the cinema to see ‘Star Trek: Beyond‘.

It was awesome by the way.

I had booked my ticket1 online, which meant downloading the app (because mobile sites usually suck dick), finding the closest ‘Galaxy’ cinema to me, selecting my movie, selecting my preferred time and choosing my seat.

Pretty standard stuff. At every step of the way I had all the information I needed available to me; 2D, 3D, Dbox, Dolby Atmos, IMAX, movie rating and full running time.

(2 hours and 2 minutes, in case you were wondering).

Now, the ‘Galaxy’ cinema chain do an awesome thing before each and every movie; a member of staff stands at the front of the auditorium and announces the following to everyone:

  1. What film they’re here to see (because some people are that stupid).
  2. How to use the recliner seats (because some people are that stupid).
  3. What the running time of the movie is.
  4. If there’s anything to see after the credits.
  5. If anyone uses their phone or is distracting during the movie, they will be kicked out.
  6. Sit back and enjoy the movie

I have to thank Galaxy cinemas for numbers 4 and 5. These are little touches I would implement if I owned a cinema chain, except theirs have fewer snipers.

Anyway, as the staff member was going through his repertoire, he reached number 3 and announced the film was just over 2hours in length. At this point there was an audible groan from almost everyone in the theatre.

Double-U, Tee, Eff?

I couldn’t believe it. What were people expecting?

This isn’t 1985 anymore; movies aren’t a standard 90 minutes in length. In fact, ‘Back To The Future‘ was released in 1985 and that piece of excellence is still a cool 2 hours in length.

Some2 people get on my tits.

There would have been outrage if we had been told the movie was 45 minutes in length. If anything, I wanted the movie to be 4 hours long for the price I paid!

I would certainly not be setting my phaser to stun.

khaaaan!

1 Yes, singular. Want to make something of it?

2 Most

Irony is wasted on the clueless.

I’ve just seen a woman, easily over 300 pounds in weight, wearing a t-shirt that read:

Work Hard

Train Hard

Live Hard

More like “Eat Hard”.

And then eventually “Die Hard”.

Then again, replacing the ‘H’ with an ‘L’ would’ve worked too.

Isn’t it a bit contradictory to produce that article of clothing in any size larger than, well, Large?

Unless of course its purpose is to inspire people to get fitter and lose weight.

She was sat outside a ‘Red Robin’ burger joint waiting to go in.

What do you think?

Rating responsibility

​My wife and I just sat down to watch the latest Jason Bourne movie. We’ve been sat here a few minutes and a couple have walked in with a 2yr old girl…..and sat right in front of us.

Why bring a 2yr old to a violent film like this?

Maybe it’s to save money on childcare….nope, it can’t be that judging from the amount of food and drink they’ve just wheelbarrowed in with them.

Honestly….there’s no accounting for stupidity.

The trailers alone are adult themed thrillers and horror movies with violence, screaming and jump scares.

Apparently, in America, the film’s rating doesn’t apply if there is an adult in the party. That means a 10 year old can see a rated R movie as long as their parents are with them.

How does that make sense?

In the UK, if a film is rated ’15’ or ’18’, you have to be 15 or 18 years old to see it, regardless of who is in your party. I know that sounds like crazy talk, but them’s the rules mate.

If the filmakers want people under a certain age not to see their film, there’s probably a good reason behind it. The movie doesn’t suddenly become child friendly just because twats of the right age are present.

Surely, by the same logic, it’s ok to have sex with an underage child providing the parents are present…right?

Harsh? 

You bet it is; but so was Jason Bourne graphically strangling a man who had earlier brutally shot people in the head at point blank range, spraying their brains and blood on the walls.

“Yay Daddy! Again! Again!”

Yes I’ve used this picture before….I wonder why?