Us Brits don’t necessarily say what we mean…keep up, America!

Posted on May 24, 2019 by headinablender

If you’re an avid reader of my blog (and why wouldn’t you be?), then you’ll know that the last 3 years or so has mostly been content around the cultural differences between the UK and the US…and a plethora of fart and dick jokes too.

Anyway, I’ve noticed a few other small cultural differences; one of which I wanted to share with you.

This difference revolves around the phrase,“We really should get together soon and catch up”

In the UK

Me: “We really should get together soon and catch up”

(Translation: “I’m saying this to let you know I like you enough that the mere idea of us getting together socially is something I would enjoy IF we were to do it. But we both know that we’re unlikely to arrange it anytime soon, or EVER, because neither of us really feel like socialising with anyone to be honest. However, please know that if I WERE to socialise with anyone, the thought of doing it with you is tolerable and I wanted you to know that I value you THAT MUCH as a friend to suggest it in the first place”)

Brit: “We really should!”

(Translation: “I am subscribing to this social dance we’re doing. I like you too, but let’s not have this social anytime soon…or ever…unless we absolutely have to, but thank you for asking”)

Me: “Great!”

(Translation: “Phew!”)

In the US:

Me: “We really should get together soon and catch up”
(Translation: See above)

Yank: “I’m free this Saturday”
(Translation: “I’m free this Saturday”)

Me: “Shit”
(Translation: “Shit”)

My brain filter may need some work.

Posted on Jul 18, 2018 by headinablender

Being a Brit living in America is, mostly, pretty easy.

The main issue I have (other than the stupid way they format their dates, their driving, their TV, their….well, you get my point) is filtering my disgusting and yet hilarious brain from reacting when I find something funny that others REALLY won’t.

After all, offending someone over here is as difficult as fist fighting a baby.

These moments of internal hilarity involve things like growlers, double-fisting and, more recently, this sign I saw on a colleagues desk that was clearly meant to be heartwarming…

You know what’s coming…

It took all my willpower not to put a note on it that reads:

“So are your wife’s tits”.

Does that make me a bad person?

What’s the secret to a successful marriage?

Posted on Jan 3, 2018 by headinablender

You know those people you see on social media, or in person, who are so ridiculously in love with their other half that it makes you want to puke your lungs out?

Yeah, that’s me I’m afraid.

I often get asked what the secret to a successful marriage is, and I usually reply with the typical series of clichés:

You need to be best friends
You should always be honest with each other
No secrets
Always put them first

Blah blah blah.

But, in truth, one of the major secrets to a successful marriage is affectionate verbal abuse….or, as comedian Micky Flanagan puts it, ‘Casual Cunting’.

So why am I sharing this advice with you? Well, here is a literal word for word interaction with my wife last night (sorry in advance, Mum).

Now, In order for this to make total sense, you need to know that my wife is a tiny 5’1″. OK, got it? Let’s continue…

So I was looking for a lighter and I couldn’t find it. We both looked everywhere and then suddenly my wife said:

“Oh, here it is in my hand”.

I rolled my eyes and jokingly barked, “How do you hide anything in those little dwarf hands!?”

To which she replied, “I can’t…….except yo’ dick!”

Not only did she get a full on high five as we sat there screaming with laughter, but I fell a little more in love with her.

So the real secret to a successful relationship? Don’t take it all so seriously. You’re clearly together because you’re in love (or the other person has a lot of money or whatever), so relax and enjoy being the casual cunts you are.

This is more like it actually! (ahem)

A slice of life

Posted on Oct 15, 2017 by headinablender

A couple of nights ago my wife and I were sat at home, slightly inebriated, and very…VERY hungry.

We had been going back and forth about what we wanted to eat. It was our Friday night and were were definitely going to be eating bad, shitty, unhealthy, delicious food.

After much debating I made a decision and said, “I’m going to order a pizza”.

“Oh, OK”, she replied.

There was a pause.

“Do you want one?”

Oh how we laughed!

Partly because it was funny…but mostly because it was true.

Please give a crap…

Posted on Feb 24, 2017 by headinablender

This is a public service announcement.

Diabetes is on the rise in America and something needs to be done about it.

For just the price of one hot steaming poo a day, we can help find the cure for this debilitating disease.

That’s right, just one heavy, corn infused bum dumpling and we can take a stand (or squat) against diabetes.

We hope that, one day, we can shit our way to finding a remedy against this insulin deficiency once and for all.

So, please read our book and create food that will enable you to birth the most substantial, eye watering, bung stretching turds you’ve ever experienced.

Let’s end this sugared tyranny by standing together.

Or squatting.

Yes, squatting makes more sense.

The influence of (s)laughter

Posted on Sep 21, 2016 by headinablender

This morning I came into work and one of the guys I work with asked me, “Hey, you know the word ‘Homie’; well, in England, do you say ‘Flatie’?”

He looked proper proud of himself. I think he’d been rehearsing that question all morning to be honest.

Anyway, after I’d finished laughing like a corpse, the subject turned to my blog. It seems one of my colleagues had been reading it and absolutely loves it¹. It was at this point that the joker (let’s call him Castro) asked if his awesome joke would make it onto my blog.

For clarity, Castro is a 6’5″ Black dude, built like a brick shithouse with the ability to punch me in half.

Yes Castro….(gulp)….your joke made it into my blog.

^{(Please don’t hit me).}

¹ And who can blame her?

Sarcasm is a dish not found on the menu.

Posted on Mar 21, 2016 by headinablender

On Saturday night my wife and I attended the Purple Reign tribute act at The Westgate in Las Vegas. It was awesome and definitely worth a visit, especially if you’re a Prince fan like me.

Anyway, beforehand we had booked a reservation at an Italian restaurant to make it a proper date night.

Upon arrival we were shown to our seats and handed the largest menus I think I’ve ever seen. These things were like windsurfing sails. Looking around the restaurant I could see people struggling to keep their chairs in place as they fought against the air conditioning.

At one point I saw a crying child fly overhead.

After a few minutes the waitress came over to our table.

“Hi, my name is (I genuinely can’t remember); are you ready to order, or do you have any questions?”

I looked up at her with a wry grin and replied, “Yes actually, I do have a question; is it possible to get a larger menu? This one isn’t quite big enough.”

She smiled back and said, “Yes, I know. The print is just so small and difficult to read. We really need to make the whole thing bigger, sorry about that.”

At last, someone that gets it! She knew I was joking and ran with it, commenting on the size of the text on these huge, wobbling cardboard monstrosities. At last I had found someone that picked up on the subtleties of my English humour and gave as good as she got.

I was so happy.

After she had left, my wife (seeing my smile of satisfaction) leaned in, and said “You realise she thought you were serious, right?”

Fuck.

Lashing out

Posted on Feb 26, 2015 by headinablender

One of the girls I work with always wears fake lashes. It looks like her eyes are wearing baseball caps.

The other day I dared her to come to work not wearing them, so today she’s done exactly that.

She looks…well…no different, actually.

Her natural lashes (which I believe I am saving from extinction) are long, so she looks just great without those massive canopies keeping her face shaded from the sun.

Goodbye fake tan.

Then she came out with this gem:

“I do feel like I’ve got bigger eyes today”.

Brilliant.

However, this isn’t the first time she’s come out with a random statement. In fact, one of my friends in the office who sits next to her is compiling a book of them.

Here is a sample of what he has so far.

“I have pissed myself before; I was under the influence”

“Why can’t I work from home? I couldn’t work from home because I wouldn’t work!

“Is the Caribbean in Thailand?” (We work in travel)

“What would 50% of the holiday cost be? Oh yeah, half!”

“What class are they flying? Pre minimum Economy?”

Her – “Are you still with the mum?”

Customer – “No, I’m not”

Her – “Aww, ok; are they still her kids though?”

“I actually think I’m in a music video today”

“I can’t wait to shave”

“When you say ‘Afternoon’, how weird is that?”

“Don’t you think oranges are weird? Like, the way they grow. The world is a wonderful place Billy”

“It’s the one bedroom apartment equilavent….equilavent…..EQUILAVENT!”

“About a month ago I shit myself. It was so annoying because it was just after a shower.”

“O.M.G., I think I’m getting fingered by a ghost!”

How can I compete with this comedy gold?

The interesting thing to note is that this girl is actually quite smart. She’s quick to learn and very inquisitive…she’s just a bit of a ditzy twat at times.

Bless her.

When the Candy is finally Crushed

Posted on Feb 24, 2015 by headinablender

Tonight, as I was perusing Facebook in bed, I saw this post on my newsfeed:

Sooooooo friggin pee’d off with myself right now!!! Feel like crying!!! Bloody dropped, smashed, shattered and well and truely broke my tablet. So not a happy bunny right now!!!!

I felt the need to comment on this tragedy…and by tragedy I don’t mean the event itself, but rather the shameful use of grammar and the misspelling of the word ‘truly’.

I replied with: