Where the hell have I been? Glad you asked…

Well hello there.

Yes, ’tis I.

It’s been over a month since I’ve written a post, but there is a pretty good reason for that.

Nothing has happened to me.

Seriously.

As most of you will know, I was made redundant at the end of February which, to be honest, wasn’t a big deal for me.  I knew it was coming and I had made peace with it.

I'm fine

But my inspiration to write and poke fun at life stems from actually being out there and interacting with the dribbling masses of the world; all the bastard commuters, the idiots I worked with (and for), and the shuffling zombies that made every day a living hell.

So it transpires that, without these pointless creatures of vacant thought and stupidity, I have no muse; no poo from which I can pick the peanuts of inspiration and laughter.

“So find another job you lazy twat!” I hear you cry.

It’s not as simple as that.

“Why not!?” I hear you ask, rapidly losing interest.

Well, that’s something I can’t share with you yet for reasons I can’t go into, but rest assured there will be a post in the not too distant future where my dam of diplomacy will burst and wash away the brown and lumpy scum that has been building up over the years.

eyebrow raise

So this has left me having to take a different approach to how – and what – I write.  A lot of my posts have been a re-telling of an event (or events) that I have either seen or experienced first hand; seeing the funny side of someone falling over, or losing their shit.

Occasionally I rant about stuff in life that generally annoys me, but my bread and butter is the sheer lunacy of daily life around me. Something I don’t have a lot of….for now.

In fact, my whole blog began as mere Facebook status updates detailing the weird and wonderful commuters I shared 3 hours a day with.  It was only through peer pressure that I decided to convert it to a blog.

You may have noticed that I’ve recently started writing about TV show addictions, visits to the supermarket and innuendo-laced lunch dates with friends which, when you consider how far I’ve come, has been incredibly hard and often difficult to swallow.

Well, now my focus is shifting.  I don’t have commuters to berate.  I don’t have work colleagues to face palm myself to, so instead I have to rely on what I see, hear and do as an unemployed bum.

Over the next year I anticipate some new muses (or is it musi?), so bear with me.  All in good time…

Until then, I’ll keep filling these pages with my utterly mindless wank.

Thanks for sticking with me….it’ll be worth it 😉

Ryan Reynolds grin

Aren’t you excited?

When the Candy is finally Crushed

Tonight, as I was perusing Facebook in bed, I saw this post on my newsfeed:

Sooooooo friggin pee’d off with myself right now!!! Feel like crying!!! Bloody dropped, smashed, shattered and well and truely broke my tablet. So not a happy bunny right now!!!!

I felt the need to comment on this tragedy…and by tragedy I don’t mean the event itself, but rather the shameful use of grammar and the misspelling of the word ‘truly’.

I replied with:

So no more Candy Crush invites??
#silverlining

That will go down as well as her tablet did.

I do feel bad for her though.

Truely.

image

A post post post.

Tonight I had to collect a package from the post office that couldn’t be delivered to my house.

I can only assume it was too large to fit through my letterbox, or the postman is a complete bastard.

It could go either way.

Anyway, I was stood in line waiting to collect my parcel when a short fat guy in a shirt and tie came in and almost immediately started talking to the slim and pretty girl in the queue behind me.

“Hello stranger!”, he said.

“Oh hi, how are you?”, she replied in a tone that suggested she knew him from work but didn’t really socialise with him, possibly because they’re in different departments, but probably because she just didn’t want to.

“I’m good thanks, how are things?”, he continued.

“Yeah good, good”.
Pause.
“So how’s things?”

Which is pretty much the same question she asked the first time around.

“Yeah,  you know; picking up a parcel”, he said, waving his post office slip.

“Me too” said the girl.

What were the chances they’d both be picking up parcels!? I mean, here; of all places!!?

Anyway, there was a short pause that lasted an eternity before she broke the silence.

“The weather’s been lovely hasn’t it?”

“Yeah it’s been really good”, he said enthusiastically; “really nice”.

And that was it.  They didn’t utter a single word again.

Awkward.

image

By the way, the parcel WAS small enough for my letterbox.

Git.