A couple of days ago my wife and I decided to go into town to shop for shoes. Well, my wife wanted to go into town for shoes and I was driving…so….
Anyway, at one point I saw a woman who was either:
A) fat
B) pregnant
I could only assume she was fat because, well, she was the ugliest thing I’d seen since Gremlins.
Seriously, parents were pulling their children away from her.
Either way, I don’t think she saw the irony in being fully kitted out in Adidas sportswear.
My wife and I went to the cinema yesterday to see ‘Tomorrowland’ in IMAX. We enjoyed it and it’s well worth a watch.
After the film I had to visit the toilet; the inevitable consequence of drinking a LOT of Coke!
As I was having the longest piss in history, I started to get bored and began looking around.
(I was in there alone….otherwise it would most definitely have been ‘eyes forward’)
As I looked to my left I saw this vending machine:
Yes, that’s right; this vending machine – in a cinema – is selling various lubes of different flavours and sensations, Tic-Tacs (important), a form of Viagra (impotent?), condoms and vibrating cock rings.
I’m not a prude, but come on!
This isn’t a pub or a club; it’s a c-i-n-e-m-a.
I guess kissing in the back row has come a long way.
Pun intended.
Time for an update methinks.
My last entry was a little over a month ago, and since then there have been some massive changes in my life that have been on the horizon for over a year now.
Time to spill the beans.
As you know I was made redundant at the end of February. This was a little saddening and…and….oh who am I kidding; I was over the moon! I practically cart wheeled to the tube station to catch the last tube home.
I am not going to miss those hot, sweaty, vacuum packed metallic cylinders full of joyless, shuffling, mouth breathing vacuous twats.
So long, suckers!
Outwardly – to most – I was melancholy at the loss of my job, but the truth is I was relieved. I hated my job and most of the people who worked there. Not all, but most.
They ones I liked, know who they are…and I will genuinely miss working with them.
Unfortunately my wife still worked there, so I had to be diplomatic. If the company had found out the following piece of news, they would’ve got rid of her quicker than a teenager hides porn.
Plus, we still needed money coming in…for now at least.
So why wasn’t I freaking out about having no job? Why wasn’t I worried about money? Well, this is where it gets exciting.
My wife, as you know, is American. The whole reason she came to the UK back in 2013 was so we could be together whilst we sell my house and arrange my US visa so we could move back to her home town of……..
……..LAS VEGAS!!!
Yes, you read that right; LAS ‘holy shit, I can’t believe it’ VEGAS!
However, once we started the visa process it emerged that being married less than 2 years added complications and fees.
Bollocks.
So we decided to stick it out until our 2 year anniversary and then bugger off. Our 2 year anniversary is this August so in three months, off we shall bugger.
My house sold back in February to an investor looking to buy a property he could rent out. My estate agent was so slick he got the guy to view it BEFORE we even put it on the market.
First viewing. Full asking price. Boom!
He even agreed to rent it back to us until we leave for……..
……..LAS ‘Seriously, i’m so excited I peed a little’ VEGAS!
The tedious paperwork and legalities came to a head in April and we finally got the money from the sale. My wife quit her job 20 minutes later.
In three short months we will depart these UK shores for the desert and I can honestly say it can’t come quick enough.
As much as I have loved England growing up, I’ve outgrown it.
I’ve outgrown the weather, the cynicism, the bad attitudes and the stiff upper lips. It’s time for a new chapter in my life.
So stick with me people. In August this blog will take on a whole new life as I share the trials, tribulations, frustrations and lunacy as a Brit in……..
……..LAS ‘Jesus, it is fucking hot’ VEGAS.
I can’t wait.
Head In A Blender 