My parking is a cut above the rest

Last night I decided to get my hair cut because I was starting to look like 1973.

So I drove to the barber shop, spied a parking space and parked in it. The space was a bit tight (smirk), but I slipped in with ease (even smirkier)

Exciting story so far, right?

I got out of my car and started walking towards the barber shop when I heard a voice behind me.

I whirled around[1] and saw a little old lady sat behind the wheel of one of the cars I just pulled up next to.  She smiled at me and repeated whatever indecipherable thing she said.

“Pardon?” I said to her, very politely and Englishly.

She cleared her throat and tried again, “You a good driver! I seen 3 people try and park there and give up. You a good driver!”[sic].

“Thanks!” I replied smugly.

Little did she know I often fuck up parking my unnecessarily long American sedan like a cock.  Yet I STILL do better than the local drivers here in Las Vegas.

As they say…in a land of twats, the dick is king[2].

car-park

Llllllllike a glove!

[1] Who whirls?  I just turned around normally.

[2] No-one says this.

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Oxymorons

This morning, as I drove up to the gym, I noticed several cars circling the car park (parking lot) like sharks.

I soon realised they were looking for spaces that were as close to the gym entrance as possible. 

These people were actually trying to avoid having to walk too far. Now, I could understand this behaviour if it was raining or the zombie apocalypse was upon us, but this is Las Vegas; it’s nothing but sunshine and blue skies. 

It’s a hard life.

What makes it more ridiculous is the fact that I saw these pillocks 20 minutes later clocking up miles on the treadmill.

Still, at least these cretins didn’t get my space right by the entrance.

Result.

Fitness this pizza in my mouth

A couple of days ago my wife and I decided to go into town to shop for shoes.  Well, my wife wanted to go into town for shoes and I was driving…so….

Anyway, at one point I saw a woman who was either:

A) fat
B) pregnant

I could only assume she was fat because, well, she was the ugliest thing I’d seen since Gremlins.

Seriously, parents were pulling their children away from her.

Either way, I don’t think she saw the irony in being fully kitted out in Adidas sportswear.

image

Stupid trucking idiot

As I walked to my garage this morning I was greeted by this.

image

What an unbelievably considerate place to park.  How am I supposed to get my car through there?

Looks like I’m going to be late for work this fine Monday morning, which is always a great start to the week.

He eventually turned up and I said, “is this you mate?”, to which he didn’t apologise and simply said “one minute mate”.

Being politely British I resisted the urge to call him a cock tugging chimp and instead opened my garage.

I got into my vehicle and started the engine; an action not shared by this festering arse rag who had started unloading his cargo.

Are you fucking kidding?

Words escaped me.

Well…. actually they didn’t.

And ‘better by miles’ weren’t among them.