Please give a crap… 

This is a public service announcement.

Diabetes is on the rise in America and something needs to be done about it.

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For just the price of one hot steaming poo a day,  we can help find the cure for this debilitating disease.

That’s right,  just one heavy,  corn infused bum dumpling and we can take a stand (or squat) against diabetes.

We hope that,  one day,  we can shit our way to finding a remedy against this insulin deficiency once and for all.

So,  please read our book and create food that will enable you to birth the most substantial,  eye watering,  bung stretching turds you’ve ever experienced.

Let’s end this sugared tyranny by standing together.

Or squatting.

Yes,  squatting makes more sense.

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This book is a crock of shit.

As I’ve said countless times, there are words here in America that don’t mean the same things as they do back in England.

For example, the word ‘Fanny‘ means ‘Bum‘ here in America, whereas in England it means ‘Vagina‘.

Say “Fanny Pack” in front of ANY Brit and watch them grin, ear to ear. To me, a packed fanny is something completely different, and usually the result of a good night.

And going off that, the word ‘Bum‘ in America means a homeless person, whereas in England we use the word ‘Tramp‘, which means ‘Slut‘ in the U.S.

It all gets a bit confusing,

Anyway, I saw this in a supermarket yesterday:

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Isn’t this what we all do, eventually?

Once I’d stopped laughing and shaking enough to take this photo, I wondered if maybe the word ‘Dump‘ isn’t used as an alternative to ‘Poo‘, both as a verb and a noun.

Nope.

The word ‘Dump‘ means the same in America as it does in England, so I can only assume – considering the full title – that this is a book of recipes than can be ‘dumped’ into a slow cooker (crock pot) and left to cook…with ‘5 Ingredients or Less!’

Either that, or it’s a book of recipes that make you shit yourself.

It’s a crap shoot.

Spoiler Alert! The butler did it!

Warning – This post contains spoilers for:

 

The Shawshank Redemption

Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Titanic

I just want to make sure you know before you go on, although shame on you if you haven’t seen these films or read the books.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, are you ready?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Great!

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am a massive lover of films/movies.  I love the variety of escapism they provide and relish any opportunity to sit down and watch one.

I love most genres of film, some more than others.  There are some movies in particular that require having a box of Kleenex to hand but I prefer to watch those alone if I’m honest.

I’m not going to go into detail about these types of films because it can be a little bit embarrassing to admit to, and it can also be considered a bit taboo especially if (as a man) you admit it to your friends.

My wife occasionally watches them with me and will sometimes hand me a Kleenex at the appropriate moment, but I still find it embarrassing as these movies don’t really have the same effect on her as they do on me.

But enough about films that make me cry.

I want to talk about something else entirely.

One of the things I love to do is re-watch a film/movie with someone who hasn’t seen it before. More often than not this happens after its run at the cinema and has since moved to DVD or BluRay.  I enjoy seeing someone go through the same range of emotions that I did when I first saw it.  It’s like watching it again for the first time.  However, there is a small nagging problem with this that really gets on my tits.

I shall elaborate.

This weekend my wife and I sat down to watch ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ as she had never seen it.  I was excited at the prospect of watching it again through her eyes and eagerly pulled the DVD from my extensive (and slightly nerdy) collection.  I inserted the disc into the machine and loaded it up.

The first thing that came up was the frustratingly unskippable copyright notice.  I did what everyone else does and started prodding at the remote control to skip it.  This of course never works; it just displays the words ‘This function cannot be performed here’.

I didn’t care.

I shouted “Come on you bastard!” whilst continuing to prod furiously at the button like someone stood waiting for a lift/elevator desperately holding in a massive poo.

Admit it; we’ve all been there.

So we waited.

And we waited.

Eventually, after about a week and a half, the words disappeared from the screen and the DVD menu finally appeared.

On this particular DVD menu  it wasn’t a static image with the usual choices of ‘play movie’, ‘scenes’, ‘extras’, etc., no, this was a slow loading animated menu with scenes from this awesome film playing in the background.  In fact, the first of these scenes was of the protagonist Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) crawling out of a sewage tunnel into a river during a stormy night with Shawshank prison in the background.

Yes, that’s right; the DVD menu had basically revealed the ending of the film.

What the fuck?

How is that allowed?

You don’t see the menu for ‘Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back’ with Darth Vader saying “No, I am your father” to Luke Skywalker.   It would be an outrage to all of the remaining four people on the planet who still didn’t know.

In the same vein, you don’t see a picture of Severus Snape zapping Albus Dumbledore with his wand on the dust cover of ‘Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince’ with the words “Guess what happens on page 556?”!

So why have it on a DVD menu?

This really pisses me off.

My immediate reaction to seeing this was to jump up in front of the TV shouting “Look away LALALALALA Don’t look at the screen LALALALALA!!!” whilst fumbling for the button to ‘Play Movie’, but it was too late.

My wife had seen it.

Now she was aware that some guy escapes from Shawshank prison but she didn’t know who it was so I suppose there was still some mystery.  The mystery lasted right up until she saw Tim Robbins; a full 12 seconds into the film.

So, for 12 seconds it was a gripping thriller full of mystery and suspense.

And ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ isn’t the only DVD that does this.  There are so many DVD/BluRay releases out there that show key scenes at the menu, revealing plot points and endings.

In fact, the one film that couldn’t possibly have been spoiled by this idiocy was ‘Titanic’, which has a fucking static DVD menu!

Spoiler alert!  The ship hits an iceberg and sinks.

So this is a plea to the DVD/BluRay studios and distributors:

Stop being dicks.

Thank you.

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Triple threat

Sat on the train and the prick at the next table starts talking into his phone very loudly. In fact it was at such a decibel level he startled the woman sat opposite him.

She actually jumped. Nearly dropped her book.

He was talking some bollocks about “the Siemens innovation contract” and “regarding the agreed SLA following the action points from the meeting”.

What a penis.

Just then the woman sat NEXT to the startled woman fires up a conversation on her phone.

It’s weird to think that 15 years ago seeing two people sat at a table on a train and talking meant they we’re having a conversation with EACH OTHER. In fact the only communication happening between two people in this carriage was between me and the jumpy bookworm who exchanged a look best described as ‘is this really fucking happening?’

Anyway, just as my eyes were starting to ache from all the rolling,  the woman opposite me picked up her phone and joined in! 

Really?

So let me get this right…the ONLY three people talking loudly into their phones in this full and quiet carriage are in fact sat around me?

Brilliant.

I can’t tell you the joy and elation when we entered a tunnel. It was emotional.

I spied a grin from behind a book.

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