It’s all good fun until someone loses an eye.

So this happened a couple of days ago at work.

One of my close friends at work came up to our department to say hi, bringing along with her a girlfriend she was showing around.  Her friend had her young son in tow; I’d say he was about 5 or 6 years old.

Now, for context, everyone in our department owns a Nerf gun for any impromptu gun fights that break out.

It happens.

It’s brutal.

It’s also possible you can see where this post is going.

Anyway, they walked into our department, said hi and then handed the 5/6 year old a Nerf gun and he started firing at us, indiscriminately.  He was loving it; shooting and laughing like a boy possessed.  Hey, as long as there’s no nudity or swearing, some mindless and unprovoked gun violence is always welcomed here in America.

(ooh, controversial)

A few of my colleagues pulled out their guns (he he) and retaliated with friendly fire; it was a fun moment.

Then in came me.

I pulled out my massive weapon (sorry, couldn’t resist), cocked it (seriously, I can’t stop) and aimed at the child (OK, I’m going to get arrested).

Now, I’m a terrible shot with these things so I wasn’t worried.  I couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. So I aimed at his general head area and fired.  The dart hit him full on in the face; his left eye to be precise.

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There was a pause in time and everyone held their breath.  We were all thinking the same thing.  Will he:

A) Laugh and fire back more enthusiastically

….or…..

B) Cry.

 

He went with B.

Great.

He put down the gun and buried his face in his mother’s embrace, sobbing profusely while everyone turned to me and said things like “Nice one Dan!” or “What were you thinking?”.  It was all slightly tongue in cheek, but the kid didn’t know that.  If only someone had said something like “Right, he’s going to get you now!” and boosted his primal urge to retaliate, he wouldn’t have felt so embarrassed and may not have cried.

Alas, that wasn’t the case.

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I genuinely felt bad for injuring this poor kid, and because he was now weeping in front of all these adults (loose term), but I was undergoing an internal conflict between my brain and my mouth.

Mouth – “Oh my god, I am SO sorry!”

 

Brain – “Ha ha, YES!  In the face!  IN.  THE.  FACE!!!  Boom!  Did you see that?  Right in the fucking eye.  Crack shot! (self high five)”

 

Mouth – “I really didn’t mean to hit him in the face!”

 

Brain – “I TOTALLY aimed for the face and I can’t believe I hit him!  I am the Nerf master!”

 

In an attempt to explain my actions, I tried to explain to his mum that I was usually such a bad shot and that I wasn’t aiming anywhere near him.  Then, to prove my lack of accuracy, I fired in her general direction.

As the dart bounced off her head with the most satisfying ‘Doink!’, my brain went into overdrive, but my mouth (thankfully) took over the situation.

Mouth – “Oh my god, I am SO sorry!”

 

Brain – “Ha ha ha, straight off the noggin!  Did anyone see that?  Bam!”

 

Mouth – “I don’t know what’s wrong with me!  I’m going to put down the gun now.”

 

Brain – “I TOTALLY aimed at your head and hit it!  I really thought I’d miss this time, but I didn’t!  I’m putting the gun down now as I’m two for two!  Booyah!! (air grab)”

 

She looked at me with a mix of angry surprise and ‘WTF!?’.  She literally couldn’t believe I shot her a mere 10 seconds after blinding her son.

Maybe this is why guns aren’t legal in Britain; it appears we’re TOO good, by Jove!

darts

 

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Lashing out

One of the girls I work with always wears fake lashes.  It looks like her eyes are wearing baseball caps.

The other day I dared her to come to work not wearing them, so today she’s done exactly that.

She looks…well…no different, actually.

Her natural lashes (which I believe I am saving from extinction) are long, so she looks just great without those massive canopies keeping her face shaded from the sun.

Goodbye fake tan.

Then she came out with this gem:

“I do feel like I’ve got bigger eyes today”.

Brilliant.

However, this isn’t the first time she’s come out with a random statement.  In fact, one of my friends in the office who sits next to her is compiling a book of them.

Here is a sample of what he has so far.

“I have pissed myself before; I was under the influence”

“Why can’t I work from home?  I couldn’t work from home because I wouldn’t work!

“Is the Caribbean in Thailand?” (We work in travel)

“What would 50% of the holiday cost be?  Oh yeah, half!”

“What class are they flying? Pre minimum Economy?”

Her – “Are you still with the mum?”

Customer – “No, I’m not”

Her – “Aww, ok; are they still her kids though?”

“I actually think I’m in a music video today”

“I can’t wait to shave”

“When you say ‘Afternoon’, how weird is that?”

“Don’t you think oranges are weird?  Like, the way they grow.  The world is a wonderful place Billy”

“It’s the one bedroom apartment equilavent….equilavent…..EQUILAVENT!”

“About a month ago I shit myself.  It was so annoying because it was just after a shower.”

“O.M.G., I think I’m getting fingered by a ghost!”

How can I compete with this comedy gold?

The interesting thing to note is that this girl is actually quite smart.  She’s quick to learn and very inquisitive…she’s just a bit of a ditzy twat at times.

Bless her.

pug lashes