Stick it to me, baby.

Posted on Dec 5, 2018 by headinablender

I get stuck in traffic a lot, especially when commuting to and from work because, well, there are more idiots on the road at those times (myself included¹). As a result, I get the joyous and underwhelming opportunity to read the various stickers people adorn their cars with.

And they use them a lot in America!

From the Jesus fish…

Jesus, would you look at these!?

…and the ‘My offspring is serving in the Army/Navy/Air Force’…

Everyone gets a participation trophy

…to the various forms of ‘Coexist’ I’ve seen.

Holy Idealism, Batman!

But nothing sums up ignorance like the two stickers I have seen a lot of recently.

And no, it’s not a collection of pointlessly stupid stick figures of family members.

Get ’em Darth! GET ‘EM!

No, these stickers are as follows:

If you don’t have the same views as me, I will shoot you

And this one:

Be nice to each other, or so help me I will kill you.

I get the feeling these stickers are supposed to portray pride and like-minded thinking in this fine country, but they’re pretty aggressive if you ask me (and this is a statement from a thick skinned Brit living in the land of the thin skinned…so that’s saying something!)

For me, it boils down to this:

“If y’all ain’t gon’ be wit’ us, then we’s gon’ shoot y’all….so help me God”

(I’m sure he won’t).

These stickers aren’t a display of Patriotism; they’re Jingoism at it’s most prevalent.

Maybe this would be more appropriate?

Seems about right

So remember, if you won’t share this post with all your friends and family, then feel free to…erm….feel free to….er….not?

1 – Not true.

Jesus, it’s all about the guns.

Posted on Jan 23, 2017 by headinablender

At the gym today I saw a man working out with a t-shirt that said:

KNOW GUNS, KNOW PEACE.

You’ll notice that some of it is in bold. It was an attempt at clever word play that, frankly, didn’t suit the wearer. He probably thought the colours were “Real purty”.

I don’t think he realised how oxymoronic that statement is.

Anyway, on the machine next to him was a man with the word ‘Jesus’ emblazoned on the front of his t-shirt in huge colourful letters.

It got worse.

The back of the t-shirt read:

‘John 3:3. Jesus Is coming. Are You Ready? Ask me about it.’

Oh, I wanted to. I wanted to SO much…but I didn’t think it was fair fight.

Only in America would those t-shirts exist, or be seen in public….let alone be seen side by side! What I found fascinating was that no one one batted an eyelid, no one stopped to gawp and no one pointed and giggled.

The closest I saw back in England was a t-shirt that had this on the front:

“Jesus loves you…”

And on the back it read:

“…but everyone else thinks you’re a cunt”

I wonder how that would go down over here?

I would probably ‘know peace’ very quickly.

It’s all good fun until someone loses an eye.

Posted on Nov 20, 2016 by headinablender

So this happened a couple of days ago at work.

One of my close friends at work came up to our department to say hi, bringing along with her a girlfriend she was showing around. Her friend had her young son in tow; I’d say he was about 5 or 6 years old.

Now, for context, everyone in our department owns a Nerf gun for any impromptu gun fights that break out.

It happens.

It’s brutal.

It’s also possible you can see where this post is going.

Anyway, they walked into our department, said hi and then handed the 5/6 year old a Nerf gun and he started firing at us, indiscriminately. He was loving it; shooting and laughing like a boy possessed. Hey, as long as there’s no nudity or swearing, some mindless and unprovoked gun violence is always welcomed here in America.

(ooh, controversial)

A few of my colleagues pulled out their guns (he he) and retaliated with friendly fire; it was a fun moment.

Then in came me.

I pulled out my massive weapon (sorry, couldn’t resist), cocked it (seriously, I can’t stop) and aimed at the child (OK, I’m going to get arrested).

Now, I’m a terrible shot with these things so I wasn’t worried. I couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. So I aimed at his general head area and fired. The dart hit him full on in the face; his left eye to be precise.

There was a pause in time and everyone held their breath. We were all thinking the same thing. Will he:

A) Laugh and fire back more enthusiastically

….or…..

B) Cry.

He went with B.

Great.

He put down the gun and buried his face in his mother’s embrace, sobbing profusely while everyone turned to me and said things like “Nice one Dan!” or “What were you thinking?”. It was all slightly tongue in cheek, but the kid didn’t know that. If only someone had said something like “Right, he’s going to get you now!” and boosted his primal urge to retaliate, he wouldn’t have felt so embarrassed and may not have cried.

Alas, that wasn’t the case.

I genuinely felt bad for injuring this poor kid, and because he was now weeping in front of all these adults (loose term), but I was undergoing an internal conflict between my brain and my mouth.

Mouth – “Oh my god, I am SO sorry!”

Brain – “Ha ha, YES! In the face! IN. THE. FACE!!! Boom! Did you see that? Right in the fucking eye. Crack shot! (self high five)”

Mouth – “I really didn’t mean to hit him in the face!”

Brain – “I TOTALLY aimed for the face and I can’t believe I hit him! I am the Nerf master!”

In an attempt to explain my actions, I tried to explain to his mum that I was usually such a bad shot and that I wasn’t aiming anywhere near him. Then, to prove my lack of accuracy, I fired in her general direction.

As the dart bounced off her head with the most satisfying ‘Doink!’, my brain went into overdrive, but my mouth (thankfully) took over the situation.

Mouth – “Oh my god, I am SO sorry!”

Brain – “Ha ha ha, straight off the noggin! Did anyone see that? Bam!”

Mouth – “I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I’m going to put down the gun now.”

Brain – “I TOTALLY aimed at your head and hit it! I really thought I’d miss this time, but I didn’t! I’m putting the gun down now as I’m two for two! Booyah!! (air grab)”

She looked at me with a mix of angry surprise and ‘WTF!?’. She literally couldn’t believe I shot her a mere 10 seconds after blinding her son.

Maybe this is why guns aren’t legal in Britain; it appears we’re TOO good, by Jove!

Is the pen REALLY mightier than the sword?

Posted on Jun 3, 2016 by headinablender

There are phrases out there in the world that people have tattooed on bodies, printed on clothing and plastered all over social media profiles to make them appear somehow more profound.

I’m talking about the sort of drivel designed to be inspirational or empowering, but actually results in me despising them more than a complete stranger should.

These are words of encouragement to let you know you’re special…a unique little snowflake.

Here are a couple of examples:

“Only God can judge me”

Hmm, I’m not sure I – and groups of people all over the world known as ‘Juries’ – fully agree with that one.

“What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”

What about arthritis?

Anyway, yesterday at the gym I saw a guy wearing a t shirt with this slogan emblazoned across the back of it.

“No weapon formed against me shall prosper”

So I shot him.

Cyberscared

Posted on Apr 21, 2013 by headinablender

I’m a gamer. And as a gamer there are moments that are a little unnerving.

For example, I’m currently playing Fallout New Vegas and I’m about to enter a huge abandoned facility that is rumoured to be overrun with radiation infested zombies similar to those in ‘I Am Legend’.

Outside the facility I find a campsite with boxes of ammunition, guns and medication. Loads of it.

That’s never a good sign.

The only thing missing is my mum…which I really could do with right now.

(gulp)

Wish me luck. I’m going in.