Common sense gets the shaft.

This morning at Goodge Street Underground station I heard the following announcement:

“Ladies and Gentlemen; please be aware that lift number four is currently out of service while we perform essential routine maintenance”.

Fair enough.

There are no escalators at Goodge Street station but there are four lifts*, so we’d either use one of the three remaining lifts or take the spiral stairs to the surface; all 136 of them.

Fuck.  That.

But the announcement didn’t stop there (although I wish it had); “Please use the remaining lifts one to three, or take the spiral stairs”.

Oh my god I am so thankful they told us that otherwise we could’ve been stuck down there for days.

state the obvious

*Or ‘elevators’ to our American brethren who may be confused**

**At the word ‘lift’.

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Uh oh, someone’s in trouble…

Tonight’s train announcement was so good I just had to blog about it.

We were sat at East Croydon station for a prolonged amount of time when the speaker system fired up with….

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your conductor speaking.  I’m sorry we’re currently being held at the station a little longer than expected. I have no idea why we’re being delayed. There are two platform staff a little further down from me but neither of them have had the decency to come over and actually tell me whats going on, so I’m in the dark just as much as you are. I will be taking it up with their manager as this is a poor example of customer service”.

I sensed the words “wankers”, “twats” and “hapless” were on the tip of his tongue, but I couldn’t be sure.

There were a few smiles amongst my fellow commuters.

I’m pretty sure I actually saw someone high five him as he walked up the train checking tickets. Then again, it could’ve been a slap. I’ve known it to happen.

Pratform announcement

An announcement just came over the speakers at Watford station to say that train doors may close up to 30 seconds before the train is due to depart. As a result it is advisable to be on the platform in plenty of time for your train.

These speakers are ON the platform.

Pay attention…

The guard on the train just made the usual announcement as we approached a station.

She then stood there for a second, turned to the nearest passenger and asked him; “Did I just say Horsham or Haywards Heath?”  

The guy looked at her with a mortified blank expression and replied with an astute and calculated, “wha, what?”.

“Did I just say Horsham or Haywards Heath?”, she repeated.

He was clearly shitting himself now as other passengers had started to look up from their reading material and were watching; fully aware he didn’t have a clue.

And then, in a heartbeat, she grinned at him and said “You werent even listening were you?”  

Ha ha, awkward.  

She then shrugged, uttered something like “meh” and strolled up the carriage, leaving him to sob gently inside.

Brilliant.

Exit left, right?

Today we visited Disney World in Orlando. It was an expected series of events including a lot of ‘cast members’ with coat hanger smiles, planetoid sized people with huge buckets of full fat Coke and loads of able bodied lazy fuckers on rented mobility scooters; hacking their way through the crowds like the bulls in Pamplona.

But the best part of the day by far was when we were due to get off the car park transfer at Hollywood Studios. We started to slow down and the cheesy American voice announced that we were to disembark on the right.

No problem.

She then re-confirmed it was on the right.

Ok, fair enough.

Then she re-re-confirmed it was on the right.

Really? I suppose this is for the American market.

She then said “that’s the same side as the sidewalk and the trash cans”

I think my I.Q. just dropped a few points.

Guilty guard

The guard on the train this fine Monday morning made an announcement explaining why we’d stopped short of Three Bridges station. He started with: “Good morning ladies and gentlemen. I’m sorry about the delay in arriving at the station but we’re waiting for a platform to become available…”

All good so far. Something I hear quite regularly, although I admit I’m a bit pissed off as I’m likely to be late for work now.

He then pauses for what seems an eternity. All we can hear is the background of whichever carriage he’s nested in today, and his breathing. Yes, we’re all sat here listening to a stranger’s breath over the tannoy.

Bit weird and awkward.

A couple of commuters exchange glances that say ‘hmm, this is not only weird, but a little bit awkward too’.

Im glad I’m not the only one thinking it.

He then says ‘erm’ a few times before continuing: “this is, erm, (pause), erm, because of delays caused by, erm, a broken down train between, er, Three Bridges and East Croydon, erm, (long pause), erm….(another long pause…I think he’s going to cry) erm, I, erm, would like to apologise for the ,er, delay and for, erm, any inconvenience caused”. His voice is starting to sound shaky and trails off.

‘Odd’ I think to myself.

And as we’re sat there in silence with only the sound of the train heaters for company I swear, somewhere in the distance, I can hear gentle sobbing.

It’s going to be one of those weeks.

Mis-carriage of communication…

Quite a lengthy train announcement from a guard with a very loose grasp of the English language whilst sat in the station.

No clue what he’s just said. sounded like “baddalada famwa si borfon ja pindol fi boo beep blorpy floodle”

I’m shitting myself now as half of the carriage has just upped and got off.