Jesus Trucking Christ

My wife and I were in traffic when we saw these two rival gardening and landscaping trucks side by side. 

The one on the left appears to be heavily influenced by religion. 

But that’s nothing… 

With the one on the right, you get to actually speak to Jesus. 

Who you gonna call?

Two in the pink….

Usually,  when I write a post,  it’s regarding a situation or event that either amused me…or frustrated me to the point where it was simply laughable. 

But sometimes,  just sometimes,  something comes along that requires no back story or train of thought. 

So,  in keeping true to my ‘Life Is Funny’ mantra,  here is a photo of a van I was stuck behind in traffic the other day. 

In this post I claimed energy drinks gave you anal seepage; it now seems they have a remedy for that. 

Here kiddy, kiddy, kiddy.

There is a little known fact that American children are made of glass.

It’s true; they’re such delicate little snowflakes that the mere thought of them near danger results in the country childproofing everything!

Think of the children!”

I’d rather not; you can get arrested for that shit.

Nothing demonstrates this more than the roads outside schools. There are big signs indicating a ‘School Zone’ with yellow lights that, when flashing, indicate you must slow down to the speed limit shown on the sign.

The Police are VERY vigilant of this I’ve been told.  After all, “Think of the children!

school_zone

These speed limits vary from 25 mph all the way down to ‘Get out of your car and push it‘, and start about 30 miles outside the ‘School Zone’.  “Think of the children!

At face value this is a great idea, but I have never EVER seen an unsupervised child cross the street outside a school. This isn’t The Goonies.  In fact, I’ve never even SEEN a child outside a school when the lights are flashing.

Ever.

Oh, wait, that’s not true.  I have seen kids outside when the school kicks out.

Hundreds of little miracles, hands firmly held by their parents or being loaded into cages.  At these times there are Lollipop men/women (crossing guards) walking out into the street, slowing and stopping the traffic.  These people make the flashing signs redundant.

Take a look at this..

This is a Google street view of the school I actually attended as a 7 year old boy in England, with a school I go past regularly here in Vegas (and the inspiration for this post).

skoolsukusa

Anyone for Frogger?

Back in my day (insert Yorkshire accent here) you left school and crossed the street between parked cars by looking both ways before doing so.  It was called ‘common sense’, or ‘not wanting to be splattered by an oncoming car’.  The speed limit was (and still is) 30 mph.  It’s slow enough to stop if a child runs out, and fast enough to speed up if a child runs out.  We like choices.

But in America we have to drive 15 mph in case, god forbid, an unattended child should run out of the school, across the vast car park (parking lot), past the planters and shrubs and onto the wide open road that has no parked cars obstructing them from view.

Seriously, I could be doing 70 mph and see these little angels coming.

I’d have to work really hard to actually hit one. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Those fuckers are fast.

In this mollycoddling nation of snowflakes and participation trophies, the little lambs are never let out of the sight of their parents who usher them from the school building to their oversized SUVs like a celebrity leaving a nightclub.

papped

So why do we all have to slow down from a measly 35 mph to an awkward kiddy-fiddling kerb crawl?  I get nervous when I have to drive by a school slowly, especially with only one hand on the wheel.

10 to 2.

Eyes straight.

But seriously, where is that healthy respect for traffic we all had growing up?  What happened to looking both ways when crossing the road?  Where is the Green Cross Code?

People need to ‘Stop‘, ‘Look‘ and ‘Listen‘.

Instead they ‘Don’t Stop‘, ‘Don’t Look‘ and ‘Sue‘.

In every country in the world, pedestrians need to watch out for oncoming traffic…but in America, traffic has to watch out for oncoming pedestrians. It’s ridiculous!  I know I’ve touched on this before, but it baffles me how backward this is.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big advocate for road safety…..but not as much as I am for natural selection.

Here kiddy, kiddy, kiddy.

The sweet taste of idiocy

My local gym has a multitude of TV screens scattered all over the place.  At face value you would think they’re for entertainment purposes, but it appears they’re just another way to push products down our throats between crappy music videos and advertising for tattoo removal and a boutique that will trim your minge.

They make me angry (commercials, not minges), which actually fuels my workout, so no complaints there.

Anyway, this morning one of the screens had something I just had to write about.  The screen read:

‘Latest news: Studies have shown that Americans consume too much sugar, a majority of which is found in sugary drinks.’

 

I literally stopped working out, mid set, mouth agape.  Was I really seeing this?  Is this really latest news?

Mind you, I was drinking Coke Zero at a party recently and a friend of mine asked what it was.

I took a moment to compose myself and told him that it was sugar free (and full of chemicals that will probably give you cancer, but hey….thin is good, right?) and has no calories.  He couldn’t believe it.  He had a sip and said “where has this been all my life!?”.

On a shelf in the supermarket mate, next to the full fat shit that you and everyone else buys.

(Don’t even get me started on the elusive nature of diet drinks in the US.  That’s a post for another time).

Anyway, the ‘Latest News‘ continued:

‘Some experts have said that too much sugar can lead to cases of obesity and diabetes”

 

Can lead?  CAN lead??  WILL lead, you fat twats!  And how come it’s ‘some‘ experts saying this?  What about the other experts who think sugar is OK?

But who am I to judge?  Maybe these experts are right and sugar ISN’T responsible for America having the largest (pun intended) population of obese people in the world and the highest cases of diabetes.

fat-runs

Chances are president Obama is to blame, or Al-Queda; they seem to be the scapegoats of choice nowadays.

Ooh, political!

Before this gets all serious and preachy, here’s a palette cleanser.

A car in front of me on the freeway this morning had ‘We are currently hiring excellent drivers‘ advertised across the back of it, just as it drifted across three lanes and left the freeway without indicating.

Ah, Americans.  I seriously fucking love ’em!

I’m walking here!

Today on Oxford street in London I saw a man get beeped at by a black cab driver as he crossed a side road.  The traffic lights had changed before the guy had finished crossing and the cabbie wanted to ensure the man knew it.

Believe me, from his two fingered salute I’m pretty sure he knew it.

Without uttering a word, these two strangers had engaged in the following conversation…

Cabbie – “Come on mate, I haven’t got all day here. The lights have changed and I need to turn left into that street, but you’re causing me to delay that turn by a further 4 seconds.  So i’m going to beep my horn at you unnecessarily just so you and those around you are alerted to the fact that you’re taking too long!”

Man – “Fuck off”

I love London. I really, really do(n’t).

image