No photos please, this is America

My wife is currently attending her second physical therapy session, having torn the ACL (Anterior Cruciate Ligament) in both knees a couple of months ago.

Yes, BOTH knees. At the same time.

It’s been a fun few weeks.

Anyway, I decided to take a photo of her during today’s session – as you do – and after having taken a seat, a member of staff quickly approached me.

I knew what he was going to say.

He wanted to advise me that, for legal reasons, I had to ensure no other patients were present in the photo.

I knew it…but I was so annoyed that I was being ‘educated’ that I looked him square in the eyes and put on my best ‘in disbelief’ face.

“You’ve got to be kidding!”

He wasn’t.

I had to show him the photo.


What does ‘ the legal system’ think I’m going to do with the photo?

Maybe I’ll post it online and then tag these people randomly in the hope I somehow correctly select them from the 1.65 billion users currently on Facebook?

Maybe ‘the legal system’ is worried I might want to keep it for the wank bank?

Yeah right. These people should be so lucky.  These people would be able to stop the vinegar strokes. They would kill any degree of rigidity.

(looks down)

*slap* *jiggle* *slap*


Jesus, it’s just a photo; it’s not like I’m aiming at them through a high powered rifle laser scope.

But joking aside, I know what the problem is; the physical therapy centre doesn’t want to be sued for unauthorised use of photography of their patients without their expressed permission.

Either that, or the member of staff wanted to check the sweet photo I took of my wife.

I can’t blame him.

(adds it to the wank bank)

Maybe I’ll counter sue these delicate background babies for photo bombing my photo. Had they considered that, huh? Had they??

I didn’t give THEM permission to be in MY photo.

But seriously, what next? Should I expect to be contacted by distraught family members of people featured in the backgrounds of photos from my childhood?  There are literally hundreds of those lurking in photo albums at my Mother’s house.

There was a LOT of skin in the background of those beach photos. 

And a LOT of Speedos.

Tight, miniscule Speedos

*slap* *jiggle* *sl…

Wait, where’d he go?


I hope you, like, really, like, LIKE this like, post.

I have the two most annoying girls sat next to me on the train. They are talking constantly, and luckily the ONLY two people talking on the entire carriage.

It’s ok, I didn’t want to sleep anyway. It’s fine ladies, you carry on. And on. And on. And on.

To add context, they both say ‘yah’ instead of ‘yeah’, and the word ‘Uni’ comes up a lot. You know the type.

But what’s fascinating is how much they use the word ‘like’ in a sentence.

Allow me to, like, demonstrate….

Let’s use the simple sentence;
“We went to a great bar last night with a group of people and it was good”

This is how they’d, like, say it;
“Oh my God! We, like, went to, like, this great bar last night and, like, we went with, like, this huge, like group of, like, people and it was, like, soooo amazing and stuff!”

Add in hand gestures that look like they’re playing chords with both hands on an invisible piano.

Also, they also go up at the end of each sentence making it sound like a question. Those of you who know me will understand how infuriating that is! For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t worry…I’ll blog about it at some point.


I have my camera and tripod with me today, so I’m contemplating twatting them both across the face with them. Twice each; just for good measure.

Don’t want to damage my camera though.

Say Cheeeeeese….

I’ve just spent the evening on a photography night shoot with a friend.  It was, in short, awesome.

I did notice however that there’s a certain level of power that comes with having a proper DSLR camera on a tripod.  There seems to be an unwritten rule that says ‘I’m allowed to get away with stuff that seems a bit weird and might get in your way but you can’t question me because that would just make you a twat’.

Allow me to explain…

At one point we were photographing the Queen’s gaff (or Buckingham Palace as everyone calls it), and we  were stood there, having debated apertures, shutter speeds and ISO settings*, waiting for our cameras to finish taking their long exposure shots of Her Majesty’s crib, complete with traffic light trails.  We soon realised there was a family of people patiently waiting for us to say it was ok to pass.  We ‘gave them permission’, and they hurried past (and I mean they did that awkward run/jog type thing past us) thanking us for allowing them to pass.  One of the guys was built like a brick shit-house and yet here he was, totally submissive to us and our three legged toys.

And it didn’t stop there…

At one point I held up people who just wanted to go up an escalator so they could go to a restaurant for dinner.  I wasn’t in their way, nor did I have a sign saying “None shall pass” like some multi-lensed Gandalf.  No, I was just taking long exposure shots of the moving escalators, and yet here were full grown adults asking if it was ok to use them.

I said no.  They had to wait.**

This also happened with my friend who was photographing the same escalators from the top.  He made people sit and wait there until he was bloody well finished.  They did.  We got the shots.**

This degree of power is increased to include a level of importance when you’re both walking along with extended tripods firmly attached to your equipment.  (Er…that sentence sounds a bit rude!  By ‘equipment’ I meant ‘penis’; ‘CAMERA!’….I meant ‘camera’).  Or at least the perception of importance; allow me to elaborate….

Have you ever  seen a group of young people in a convertible car on a hot, sunny day with great music playing, looking like they haven’t got a care in the world?  I’m sure you have.  And what do we think when we see them?


And yet, when it’s US in a convertible car with friends on a hot, sunny day with great music playing, we just assume that everyone is looking at us ‘cos we’re super cool.  We feel pretty damn good about ourselves and we know that everyone looking at us are jealous of our cool car gang.

What the hell is that all about?

Well, with photography it’s the same principle.

When I see people with ‘proper’ cameras taking ‘proper’ photos of stuff and not just ‘snapshots’, I think they’re pretentious arseholes trying to look important (“Oooh, look at me, I’m so important with my big camera and my tripod and my selection of lenses that are big enough to compensate for my lack of telescopic focal length in the bedroom”)

And yet tonight, whilst walking along with my mate and our camera gear, I had this real sense of importance.  I felt like everyone looking at us thought we were professionals, and that we were super cool, and under no circumstances did anyone think we were pretentious arseholes; not even the woman who asked if it was ok to walk behind us.  She could…if she did it quietly.**

But all joking aside, we got some great photos so I thought I’d share one of the Buckingham Palace pictures and one of the Escalator pictures with you.  Let me know what you think.

*Yes, we really WERE being that geeky.
**Not actually true.