Give me strength…

Posted on Feb 10, 2017 by headinablender

Yesterday I went to the gym after work, despite being tired after a long…fucking…day.

I walked up to the reception desk and handed over my membership card to the girl standing behind it (the desk, not my card).

Me: “Here you go“.

She took my card, looked at it for a second.

Girl: “Thank you Daniel“.

Bit weird, but OK.

Me: “Can I have a towel please?”

Girl: “Sure“.

She handed me a towel.

Me: “Thanks“.

Girl: “I love your energy! Have a great workout”

My energy?

All I did was ask for a towel and then thanked her for handing me that towel. It’s not like I bounded in, frisbee’d my membership card at her and bellowed: “Well hello there my good woman! May I have a towel for today’s exertions!!???”

Still, I mustered enough energy for an eye roll.

She deserved it.

Chatty chatty bang bang!

Posted on Jan 13, 2017 by headinablender

Just coasting on the back of my last post; the woman on the exercise bike next to me is having a full blown, animated conversation on her phone. She’s panting heavily which I suppose is… sexy?

Unlike me, she’s pedalling very fast and sweating lots.

Also unlike me – who is able to compose this post whilst pedalling – she’s lacking the appropriate concentration necessary to multitask and has missed the pedals twice, nearly giving herself some complimentary handlebar dentistry.

Heavy breathing? Sexy.

Heavy bleeding? Not as much.

Period.

No photos please, this is America

Posted on Jun 10, 2016 by headinablender

My wife is currently attending her second physical therapy session, having torn the ACL (Anterior Cruciate Ligament) in both knees a couple of months ago.

Yes, BOTH knees. At the same time.

It’s been a fun few weeks.

Anyway, I decided to take a photo of her during today’s session – as you do – and after having taken a seat, a member of staff quickly approached me.

I knew what he was going to say.

He wanted to advise me that, for legal reasons, I had to ensure no other patients were present in the photo.

I knew it…but I was so annoyed that I was being ‘educated’ that I looked him square in the eyes and put on my best ‘in disbelief’ face.

“You’ve got to be kidding!”

He wasn’t.

I had to show him the photo.

Seriously.

What does ‘ the legal system’ think I’m going to do with the photo?

Maybe I’ll post it online and then tag these people randomly in the hope I somehow correctly select them from the 1.65 billion users currently on Facebook?

Maybe ‘the legal system’ is worried I might want to keep it for the wank bank?

Yeah right. These people should be so lucky. These people would be able to stop the vinegar strokes. They would kill any degree of rigidity.

(looks down)

*slap* *jiggle* *slap*

Nothing.

Jesus, it’s just a photo; it’s not like I’m aiming at them through a high powered rifle laser scope.

But joking aside, I know what the problem is; the physical therapy centre doesn’t want to be sued for unauthorised use of photography of their patients without their expressed permission.

Either that, or the member of staff wanted to check the sweet photo I took of my wife.

I can’t blame him.

(adds it to the wank bank)

Maybe I’ll counter sue these delicate background babies for photo bombing my photo. Had they considered that, huh? Had they??

I didn’t give THEM permission to be in MY photo.

But seriously, what next? Should I expect to be contacted by distraught family members of people featured in the backgrounds of photos from my childhood? There are literally hundreds of those lurking in photo albums at my Mother’s house.

There was a LOT of skin in the background of those beach photos.

And a LOT of Speedos.

Tight, miniscule Speedos

*slap* *jiggle* *sl…

Wait, where’d he go?

Gymnauseum

Posted on Sep 3, 2015 by headinablender

It’s been a little over two weeks since the move to Las Vegas from sunny (ha!) Crawley in the UK. In that time I have compiled notes on a million[1] things I want to write about but I have to resist otherwise i’ll be posting two or three times a day, and that’s a bit too much to deal with; like the Kardashians.

As an update on the important things over here, I secured a job on Tuesday[2] with a small, unassuming multi-million dollar company[3] AND obtained my full 8 year driving licence [license]. I may write separate posts about those, but for now I use those memories to aid in masturbation.

On this post I want to share my observations of the gym here in Las Vegas.

I’ve been to gyms all across the country in the UK and now that i’ve moved to the USA I’ve noticed a difference in the calibre [caliber] of people that go.

In the UK the average person in the gym looks a little something like this: