This is the wurst

Once you’ve seen a male cyclist come out of a coffee shop wearing the tightest lycra shorts that not only draw attention to his bulge, but highlight every subtle detail clearly and concisely in the cold light of day, you simply cannot unsee it again.

beef and pork stick

Bike curious…

Here’s something I’ve noticed.

Cyclists have this ‘more sophisticated than thou’ air about them whenever they’re trussed up in all that specialist skin tight garb. I see them pull up silently on their overpriced bikes, not looking around at anyone, but secretly judging everyone for not being as green and as cool as them.

And regarding those bikes, has anyone else noticed that these things seem to get thinner and thinner the more expensive they get? Ive heard the phrase ‘less is more’, but this is ridiculous. A friend of mine raves about bikes and showed me his £600 ‘baby’ that looked like it was fashioned from un-bent paper clips and bottle tops. The seat resembled a giraffe’s head, and was most likely less comfortable

Anyway, i do have to say that when I see these streamlined sissies all spandex’d up like ballet dancers with their special bike shoes and their special bike leggings, complete with a helmet that looks like a Klingon’s forehead ridge, I can’t help but admit they look the part; all aerodynamic and ‘whooshy’.

But….and this is what prompted me to blog this morning….the moment they’ve locked up their overpriced coat hangers and walked away to join the rest of society, don’t they look fucking ridiculous? Seriously.

The guy on the train platform this morning had regular shorts on with those tight spandex leggings underneath, all feeding into the most girly shoes I’d ever seen. It looked like his mum had dressed him, in the dark, whilst drunk.

With her feet.

And, as he stood there looking like a ninja morris dancer being brutally judged by me in my ‘regular’ clothes, I couldn’t help but think that the smug bastard was warmer than me.