A thought that’s been buzzing around a while. 

I want to know why, after millions of years of evolution, natural selection and the survival of the fittest, do flies still not ‘get’ glass and twat themselves repeatedly against it in a vain bid for freedom; even when you’ve opened the bloody window!? 

No wonder they land on shit.

It’s all they’re good for.

Buzzy little bastards.

Buzz off!!

This cold frosty morning I left the house, locked up as usual and walked the length of my garden towards the locked gate at the end.

Whilst unlocking I noticed a massive fly sitting on the side of the gate, a mere inches from my face.

I hate flies.

I don’t have a genuine fear of them like I do spiders, or sharks, or commitment; I just hate their lack of respect for other people’s property, or people on general.

I’ve never really liked them as a child either. I remember family trips to Sicily as a child and swatting away fly after fly after fly because I was eating something like a peach, only to realise it was the same fucking fly every time. Honestly they’re more tenacious than those clipboarded twats in the high street with the dreadlocks and a smile that suggests they had a little more than sugar sprinkled on their cornflakes.

I recall one fly who was adamant he was going to land on my leg. I could feel him taking a stroll through my leg hair under the table so I jiggled my leg and the hair tickling stopped, only to start again a second later. I jiggled again; same result. I looked down and saw him rubbing his hands together like an evil scientist concocting a diabolical plan.  I now waved him away with my hand and watched him fly off about 8 inches and then fly straight back and land back in the same spot. This went on at least another 3 or 4 times.

“Bruv, look at this”

My brother came over and I showed him what was happening. At first he shrugged and seemed unimpressed, but soon enough he started to see the funny side of this boomeranging bastard who just wouldn’t leave me alone.

I, on the other hand, had stopped seeing the funny side.

“Shoo` (waves fly away)
Lands back on my leg.
‘Get off” (waves fly away)
Lands back on my leg.
“Seriously, bugger off!” (waves fly away)
Lands back on my leg.
“What the? Sod off you little shit!” (waves fly away more violently)
Lands back on my leg.
“FUCK OFF!! ” (starts attempting to slap the fly, and misses)
Lands back on my leg.
‘GET THE FUCK OFF MY LEG YOU LITTLE BASTARD!” (I start slapping the shit out of my leg despite the fact that the fly had departed the moment I’d raised my hand)

Lands back on my leg.


It was at this point I got up and ran out of the room with a sore leg and a brother rolling around on the floor with laughter.

I realise I’m not alone in this as I often see animals in documentaries getting swarmed by the little gits, and don’t get me started on those images of children in third world countries with flies in their eyes. Their eyes!

But my disdain of these winged wankers was sealed the day I found one sleeping in my bowl of spaghetti. My dad said it was dead, but whatever. Of all the places to shuffle off the mortal coil, why choose my lunch? There was no way I was eating it now, despite my dad insisting it wouldn’t kill me.  I know that flies like to eat poo and I’m not eating anything that has been in contact with something that’s been in contact with poo.

They’re unpredictable, unhygienic, shit eating bastards and I hate them.

So, whilst I was unlocking my gate this morning, I watched this fly intently.  I was expecting him to suddenly fly at my face or land on my leg.


The gate was unlocked and the fly was still sitting there. Interesting. This one was brave.

I opened the gate which I knew would make him fly off (a rare predictability), but no. He didn’t fly off. He fell off.

Yes, that’s right. He fell off.

He was frozen solid.

I grinned all the way to the car.

Caught in a trap…

Ever walked under a tree, or between a couple of houses, and had a spider’s web draped across your face or hair? To me it’s a similar feeling to finding a hair in your food, but only once it’s in your mouth. My ‘go to’ reaction in either circumstance is “Aargh! Bleurgh! Get it away from me! Yuck yuck yuck!”

So as you can see, I handle it like a man.

But it got me thinking about these invisible tickling threads of stress and anguish. Well, actually it got me thinking about a couple of things.

1. What were they trying to achieve?
2. How did they get it across such an expanse?

So lets look at number 1.

I know the purpose of a spider’s web (or cobweb…although I’ve no idea what a cob is) is to catch unwitting flies and bugs for dinner. This in itself must be difficult as a fly’s eyes are huge and therefore they must see the webs…or they’re incredibly dumb in which case they had it coming. A web is usually quite intricately designed with dense patterns and very little room for their bug-eyed prey to fly through them or wriggle free. So why have all these random long strings spanning alleyways and our garden gate?

Then it struck me. They’re trying to catch ME! But why? Am I the arachnid equivalent of matching 6 numbers on a Saturday night? Will there be little spider news reporters talking to my captor asking “so now that you’ll never have to worry about feeding your family again, what will you do?”, to which he’ll reply “it won’t change me”. Is it a revenge thing for evicting his uncle last week or sucking his mate up the Dyson?

Whatever the motive, trying to garrotte me with a thin strand of something as strong as candy floss isn’t the way forward. Whenever I’ve walked through his trap and walk away doing my “Aargh, Bleurgh! etc…” He’s sat there, stroking the spider equivalent of a white cat and saying “next time…next time”. Or maybe he walks away deflated like Wile.E.Coyote after another thwarted plan to catch the road runner, complete with the ‘wah wah waaaaah’ played on a horn.

And what about number 2? (snigger).

The average house spider is about the size of a 50p coin (although they do get bigger…which is just plain wrong), so how the hell do they shoot their web at such a distance? When I was at school many MANY years ago I remember having pissing contests with my friends to see who could get it the furthest. In order to equal what the spiders are doing I would’ve had to produce a stream that would clear the school…and the teacher’s car park (cos I wouldn’t want to get in trouble now would I??). That’s some serious pissing power and no-one could do that, except maybe one of my friends who freakishly was able to get it over the toilet door and into the toilet. Legendary.

But this would be some serious distance! How the hell do they get those arcing white ropes of bum jizz so far? Not even Peter North could do that! (Don’t know who he is? Porn star. Look him up). Are they doing it as a team? Are there arachnid builders complete with scaffolding and blueprints? Did I destroy it before its finished?

I feel a bit guilty now.

I think tomorrow I’ll thrash around a bit and make them feel better. It’s the least I can do for ridding my house of those dumbass flies.