Do iPhone users have smaller penises?

Almost a month ago I did the unspeakable and ditched Apple to join Android.

(pauses for dramatic effect)

Yes ladies and gentlemen it’s true.  I remember a few short months ago checking the Internet daily, waiting for the rumoured announcement of the iPhone 5 to be confirmed.  I’d heard it was going to be bigger, faster and more impressive.

Unfortunately, once the device had been announced and plastered all over the WWW, it turned out to be as disappointing as taking home a girl with a prominent Adams apple.

The phone was indeed bigger; by about a finger’s width.
It was indeed faster; which I neither care about or really noticed.
It wasn’t more impressive.  In fact, it was the same.  Oh sorry, ‘it was taller’.


I must admit though, I was a little worried at making the switch at first because, like every iPhone user, I was concerned about the ‘lack of apps’ in Google’s Play store.  But when you consider that Android has almost 1 million apps it’s safe to say that I was being a bit of a penis about that.

My girlfriend had also decided to shift to Android a few months earlier after hearing me repeatedly going on and on about why Apple sucked and she was loving her new phone.  She’d opted for the Samsung Galaxy SIII, which I have to say is pretty awesome, and after having played with her phone and all the apps and widgets it was clear this was the way forward.

So in December I got my brand spanking new Samsung Galaxy Note II.  I wouldn’t say it was big; it was more like carrying around a small LCD TV in your pocket.  At first I was a bit overwhelmed by it’s sheer size (ooer!)

Ha ha ha ha, ahem.

Every time I took my phone out of my pocket friends would say “fucking hell Dan, that’s massive”, to which I’d usually reply with some sordid double entendre.  But ultimately I think people were taken aback by the impracticality of such a beast of a phone…..that is until they ‘had a go’.

Pretty much every one of my friends has fallen in love with it.  It’s an impressive piece of kit and I bloody love it.  I’ve got almost all the apps I had on the iPhone and the ones I couldn’t get hold of were shit anyway.  The thing that’s brilliant is the way people pull their iPhones out of their pockets and put it next to mine to see just how small theirs is by comparison.  It’s like a pissing contest and they’re definitely getting screen envy!

I feel like I’ve acted on those annoying emails that offer penis enlargement.  Everyone said I’m making a big mistake and I shouldn’t do it but I did it anyway.  Now it’s bigger and more impressive than those of my friends and they’re gutted they didn’t do it as well.

Of course the metaphor ends there…….I’m not letting them ‘have a go’.

Smart Decisions…

I have a confession to make.

I think, to most people, I come across as the sort of guy who sees how things go. I don’t tend to worry about the detail and have a real ‘suck it and see’ approach to life; the sort of guy who would ask “what does this red button do?”

– click –

But in reality, I do have a tendency to analyse and over analyse certain things when I need to make an important decision. I’ve also noticed that the word ‘anal’ appeared in that last sentence twice….not that I was picking up on that, or now stressing over whether the word ‘anal’ on its own might offend you reading this…..oh damn, I’ve done it again.

– BBBBOOOOOOOoooooooooommmmm!!!!! –

But coming back to my point; I do tend to get a bit ana….er, obsessive (yes, obsessive; a much better word) about making certain decisions. It’s nothing trivial like deciding whether or not to donate money to charity or if I should actually attempt to avoid the slow walking old lady in the road as I drive closer and closer. No it’s the life changing decision we all have to make at pivotal times in our lives……

What phone do I upgrade to now that my contract is nearing its end??

You see my issue? This is serious stuff!

For 2 years now (almost), I’ve had my ever faithful iPhone 4. Not the 4S, no…the 4 (dammit!). I used to have some regular Nokia something-or-other before and the iPhone opened my eyes to the joy of swiping, double tapping and pinching (although they all sound like words you’d use to describe going for a poo, but hey….let’s not deviate here). I found a new love for those lovely little things we call apps. Tiny quadrilateral delights that bring so much creativity, innovation and the chance to catapult a variety of bad tempered feathered creatures at scaffolding in the hope of killing some verdant swine. What more could I ask for?

Flash maybe?

But the restricted nature of Apple’s little black slab of joy now has me considering doing what Dave Lister and the rest of the Red Dwarf crew did……….and pick up an Android.

Is it worth it? Is it as good? Better? Worse? I really don’t know. I’ve watched hours of YouTube footage and reviews (and some amusing videos including a Thai guy destroying a Mariah Carey classic) and I’ve read almost every opinion, thought, rant and criticism of both Android and Apple’s IOS and no-one seems to be able to say “this is the one you want Dan….this one is the way forward”. Bastards…all of them.

So I’ve decided to not worry about it for now and instead become one of those nuisances in every phone shop on the high street ‘trying out’ different phones. The time I spend in there will obviously depend on how long it takes for the salesperson to come over and say “you alright there?”, to which I’ll say “yeah, just looking mate” followed by 6 more seconds of ‘trying out’, pretending to take interest in the price (usually with raised eyebrows, downturned mouth and nodding to suggest ‘Mmmm, not bad’), and then casually walking out of the store whilst overdoing the act of taking interest in all the other phones, phone covers and tedious shite they peddle in those places. Basically so they don’t catch on that I’m taking the piss a little bit and I’m probably going to do it all online anyway.

I was like this when I bought my TV, BluRay player, Dishwasher (seriously!), Dyson etc…. I didn’t even put this much effort into buying my house; the place I actually store most of this crap! In fact, I’m spontaneous about making decisions like, who my friends are, what I’m going to have for lunch, which nostril to pick first (although that’s not directly related to my lunch), what to watch on my carefully chosen TV, which pair of black socks I’m going to wear today….etc…

So I CAN do it….

I think I need a drink.

Tea? Coffee? Horlicks??

Ooh, I know, I’ll see what they suggest on YouTube.