This Conversation Literally Moved Me

This morning my wife and I attempted to sleep off a weekend hangover on the train.

We’d just managed to start snoozing when a loud mature American couple boarded at Gatwick Airport.  Not only were they talking loudly to each other, it seems they’d also struck up a loud conversation with a loud Canadian student who had boarded with them and they had all taken a seat (loudly) on our quiet carriage.

This will go down well.

Not only was their conversation loud, it was boring…..its way into my skull.  They were talking about how old the student looked compared to her actual age.

“Oh my Gaad, you do NOT look 31 years old does she Bob!?”

“No Fran, she does not!”, turns to student, “You do NOT look 31 years old!”

They asked her what she was studying (Accountancy), where she was from (Calgary) and even drew comparisons between her and their children.  If I’m honest, comparing this 31 year old Asian girl from Canada to Bob and Fran’s 25 year old Caucasian daughter felt a little shoehorned into the conversation because, god forbid, Americans don’t talk about themselves.

In fact, an American’s favourite word is ‘I’…..oh, and “fries”.

It was at this moment my American wife became a full bonefide Brit.

She turned to me, rolled her eyes and said “let’s move carriages; I can’t deal with this shit, especially first thing on a Monday morning”.

It worked for me….just like the ‘fanny packs’ and socks/sandals combo didn’t.

USA tourist

Aboot to slap her eh?

I know everything about the Canadian woman who’s sat two tables behind me. In fact, everyone on the train does…in every carriage, including the driver.

My god she talks loud, and lots, and punctuates every sentence with “I was like….” and “oh my god…” and “he was like…” and “I know, right?” and “she was like…”

The guy she’s talking to is English and really quiet. At least, I think he’s quiet; he might be normal volume…who knows against this vocal avalanche of cliches!

Also, I don’t think she’s breathing between sentences so its likely she’ll be stopping soon.

I bet she doesn’t fart. She doesn’t close her mouth long enough to build up any pressure.

I know, right?