I’m currently in the process of growing a beard. I don’t have a reason other than I’ve always wanted to grow one.
I won’t lie….I look a bit like Santa.
Anyway, this morning I mentioned to my wife that a couple of the moustache hairs are tickling my nostrils and driving me crazy. My wife suggested holding my finger across my top lip all day to prevent it tickling me anymore.
Yeah, that’s not a great idea in a country full of people that like to issue out high fives.
The guy opposite me on the train has got the biggest face in the world. It’s proper huge, like Lurch from the Addams family, or Frankenstein’s monster! If he headbutted me I’d have bruises from my head to my knees. It would be like running into a statue on Easter Island.
I also think his glasses are two plasma screens connected with scaffolding poles. Yep, I think I can make out the words Samsung and Sony on them.
At first I thought he had regular headphones in, but they’re full size speakers wedged into a lorry’s tyre inner tubes.
On the trains there are these huge great toilets with an automatic curved sliding door, not dissimilar to the turbolift door on the bridge of the USS Enterprise (which completely redefines “captain’s log” for me).
These doors take an age to close which is useful if you’re crowning. So imagine my amusement when i saw this…
A guy resembling a cross between Napoleon Dynamite and Wally from the ‘where’s Wally’ books was walking past the toilet just as the snail paced door was closing for some trembly-kneed commuter. On this occasion I knew exactly where this Wally was going as he was so preoccupied on some bloke’s iPad he started to veer towards the toilet. He hit the sliding door with the centre of his bespectacled face.
I laughed. I mean I really LOL’d.
Thankfully I’m reading Simon Pegg’s book at the moment, so I had a scapegoat, but it did very little to mask the dribbling wreck I became having witnessed this beautifully crafted moment.
He then apologised to the door which was priceless, as he fumbled to straighten his glasses…and his tattered pride.
I don’t think I was the only person who pissed themselves.