I recently bought a packet of Red Vines.

For the uninitiated (or ‘not American’) among you, these are what Red Vines look like:

I think they’re supposed to be cherry or strawberry flavoured (flavored) chewy sweets.

I have begun referring to them as ‘Plastic flavoured chewy plastic sticks’.

Now, for clarity, these aren’t to be confused with Twizzlers which look like this:

I call these ones ‘Chewy plastic flavoured plastic sticks’.

Anyway, today’s post isn’t about the variety and quality – or lack thereof – of American sweets (candy).

No, today’s post is about this:

I’m sorry, what?

How does this make any sense?  Why not display the calories per bag, per half bag or (if common sense were even a factor in any way, shape or form) per stick??

I think the purpose of this laughable piece of information is to confuse, bewilder and appear somehow less calorific to the calorie-conscious of us pushing these into our faces like a log into a chipper..

By the way, it’s a total of 490 calories…in case you were wondering.

Surely it would just make more sense to display it as 123 calories per serving, with 4 servings per package?

But no; that would be too easy.  Some dipshit thought 3.5 servings was the best way forward.

Then again, maybe it’s a smart move on the part of the government.

Maybe it’s a subtle attempt to increase the brainpower of the average American by surreptitiously posing mathematical equations on their junk food in a bid to sharpen their minds while they soften their waistlines.

…

…

Nah.