math | Head In A Blender

During a recent work trip to Jamaica, I was faced with an issue I’ve struggled with in the USA, but in reverse.

Allow me to explain….

In the US, temperature is measured in Fahrenheit, whereas in the UK (and the rest of the known world) it’s measured in Celsius. This has been a pain in the arse [ass] over the last 4 years trying to manually figure out the temperature by removing 30 and then halving it.

No, really!

For example, if the temperature is 100 degrees Fahrenheit, I deduct 30 (making it 70 degrees), then I halve it, leaving me with 35(ish) degrees Celsius.

It’s not an exact science, but it gives me something to reference quickly so i’m not a clueless twat almost every day; I leave that to everyone else around me.

So what does this have to do with my trip to Jamaica?

Well, in my hotel room the air conditioning unit was in Celsius. You’d think this would be easy for a Brit, but I have only ever used A/C in the USA and therefore only ever adjusted temperatures in Fahrenheit because England is cold enough to adequately retract a scrotum. As a result, there has never been a need to have air conditioning in the UK. If you want to cool down your gaff [house], you simply open a window, or a door, or turn off the heating.

So with this in mind, you can imagine the irony of having to reverse engineer the mathematics so I could figure out the temperature in Fahrenheit so I knew which temperature to select in Celsius to cool the room down.

Seriously, I couldn’t make this up.

Being a Brit in America can still be a ballsache at times, retracted or otherwise.

I recently bought a packet of Red Vines.

For the uninitiated (or ‘not American’) among you, these are what Red Vines look like:

I think they’re supposed to be cherry or strawberry flavoured (flavored) chewy sweets.

I have begun referring to them as ‘Plastic flavoured chewy plastic sticks’.

Now, for clarity, these aren’t to be confused with Twizzlers which look like this:

I call these ones ‘Chewy plastic flavoured plastic sticks’.

Anyway, today’s post isn’t about the variety and quality – or lack thereof – of American sweets (candy).

No, today’s post is about this:

I’m sorry, what?

How does this make any sense? Why not display the calories per bag, per half bag or (if common sense were even a factor in any way, shape or form) per stick??

I think the purpose of this laughable piece of information is to confuse, bewilder and appear somehow less calorific to the calorie-conscious of us pushing these into our faces like a log into a chipper..

By the way, it’s a total of 490 calories…in case you were wondering.

Surely it would just make more sense to display it as 123 calories per serving, with 4 servings per package?

But no; that would be too easy. Some dipshit thought 3.5 servings was the best way forward.

Then again, maybe it’s a smart move on the part of the government.

Maybe it’s a subtle attempt to increase the brainpower of the average American by surreptitiously posing mathematical equations on their junk food in a bid to sharpen their minds while they soften their waistlines.

…

Nah.