One of the guys at work just proudly showed me his new big coffee mug.
It’s a monster.
The word ‘Phat’ was actually used, even now in the year 2014.
“If we were to ‘cheers’ right now” he said, holding up his mug to clink it against mine, “I would knock you through that wall and into the office behind you”
I have just met the new guy in the office.
It turns out he’s a temporary contractor for some project or another.
He’s Irish, has ginger hair and is called Patrick.
Oh, and he was wearing a green jumper/sweater.
I shit you not.
To be sure.
So it is.
Potato!
Today, whilst looking at my place of work on Google maps, I saw this.
Holy shit…..that looks low!
Today I did the imaginable and wore a tie to work.
Oh the scandal!
It seems that wearing a tie results in the following tediously repetitive remarks…
Allow me to comment on each of these in turn…
“Yes I’m feeling ok”.
If I’m wearing a plaster cast on one or more of my limbs, or a pink ballerina dress complete with snorkel and top hat whilst dribbling the Benny Hill theme then yes, please ask if I’m feeling ok. Otherwise S.T.F.U.
Wearing a tie with my usual trouser/shirt combo at our office in central London isn’t actually a cause for concern. This plastic sheeting you’re standing on however…is.
“No, I haven’t got an interview today”.
Do you honestly think I would wear my tie into work if I DID have an interview? Surely I would get changed before I came back into the office? Honestly, how stupid do you think I am, despite the fact I’m rapidly losing brain cells talking to you?
I also don’t wear Speedos into the office if I’m swimming that day or a rubber gimp costume if I’m visiting your mum.
“Oh, thanks for saying I look nice/smart today”.
It’s always lovely to know that I usually don’t.
So do I take off the tie? Or do I sit here fantasising about choking the living shit out of everyone who asks?
(Adjusts tie and smiles)
I haven’t done a proper blog entry in a while, and I suppose a lot of that is down to procrastination and a lack of interesting things to comment on.
To be honest though, today is not much different.
Having said that, I’m in a particularly shitty mood right now. Shall I share? Oh alright then.
There will always be those individuals who we can’t stand working with, from the depressing mood hoovers to the arrogant sociopaths who sit at the next desk scowling at the world. It’s my job to train, coach and develop these people to be better sales/customer service people.
Actually it’s a challenge to get most of them to be nice to their own mothers to be honest.
As part of my job it’s vital that I remain upbeat, positive and friendly; but on occasion I want to walk over to their desk and punch them square in the chops, the arrogant sour faced bastards.
Today I got quite frustrated because my need to choke the shit out of some arrogant turd had to be suppressed to the point of bursting a blood vessel. In fact I had to go out for a walk in the cool January air just to prevent any actual violence taking place. Luckily for me it started to rain which you thought would’ve made matters worse, but it was still preferable to being within throttling distance from the arsebiscuit who had made my knuckles itch because of the way he’d spoken to a customer.
I had this overwhelming desire to poke his eyes out and replace them with his own testicles so he resembled some sort of bollock-eyed goblin, but my professionalism and desire to evade prison prevented me from doing so.
I’m not an angry man by nature, but when I’m starting to form weapons in my mind from office supplies, alarm bells start ringing.
(slowly puts his stapler in his drawer)
So what do I do now?
I’ve still got half the day to go and I’m ready to destroy someone with a finely sharpened sellotape dispenser.
Head In A Blender 