A queer insult.

Sometimes the difference in culture between the UK and the USA rears its ugly, and usually amusing, head. Today was one of those times.

At work we have some internal instant messaging software which is great for employees to communicate when they:

A) Can’t call.

B) Won’t call.

C) Have the social skills of a gibbon with its scrotum in a jar of fire ants.

As my department is like a central hub for any questions or issues from our call centre, we get a lot of instant messages to help out with all kinds of weird and wonderful situations.

Here is a conversation I literally just had:

Fran: Hi, I need some help

Me: Hey Fran, it’s Daniel, your favorite Brit 😉

Fran: Hey Daniel! How’s it going?

Me: Pretty good. Busy! So what’s up?

(For security reasons, this part of the conversation is omitted as it’s work related.  Needless to say, I fixed the problem like a boss!)

Me: Done!

Fran: Great! Thanks.

Me: No problem 😉

Fran: Have a great day!

Me: You have a great day too 🙂

Fran: Poof

Now, she meant to imply that she magically and dramatically vanished from the conversation in a puff of smoke, like a genie….or Batman.

To me she ended that conversation with ‘Faggot‘.

I laughed like a drain for at least a minute, solidly.

It was one of the funniest insults I’ve received since living in America, particularly because it was unintentional and from a person who wouldn’t even say boo to a goose (with or without their nuts in a jar of fire ants).


This is also the word we use for an ‘Ottoman’. England is a weird place.


I’ll huff and I’ll puff….

The train I’m on had been sat in the starting station for 20 minutes with no real explanation as to why (which came as no surprise).

What I found amusing were the huffer puffers; the commuters who feel it necessary to huff and puff to show they’re annoyed and inconvenienced. I swear these people have the deluded idea that the more they huff and the louder they puff, the sooner the train will leave.

Anyway, the amusing thing about these carbon dioxide producing dickheads and their vocal exhalations is when their overwhelming need to ‘beat the system’ backfires.

Allow me to clarify.

The guard’s cockney voice came on the tannoy to apologise for the delay and that we’ll be underway at some point, but he didn’t know when. The HPs all HP’d in unison and started filing off the train like some trade union strike.

This was clearly in an attempt to ‘stick it to the man’ by jumping on a later train that will no doubt leave the station earlier than this one.

No sooner had about 8 people got off, the doors shut and the train pulled away.

Ha ha! Gutted.

The plants are going to have to photosynthesise for England tonight.