Following on from Part 1, here is the second category in why the cinema experience isnât that great.
 2. The People
I can tolerate the extortionate prices of the food and over-iced drinks. I can even tolerate the uncomfortably stained and sticky seats. Itâs the people I have issues with. I could write shitloads about the people, but thereâs only a finite amount of storage on the internet so Iâll break it down into categories.
Talkers
Why are you talking through the film? Youâve chosen and paid money to watch this film, so sit down, shut up and fucking watch it. Are you so incapable of not spewing utter bollocks for 2 measly hours of the day? If you canât shut up, get out.

I have to go out on a limb here and include children and babies in this section. I realise itâs not their fault as they have yet to adopt social cinema etiquette, but come on! If your baby is screaming and crying, take them outside.
Theyâre clearly not happy being in a dark noisy room surrounded by strangers. After all, I’m not.
Take them outside. What are you doing in the cinema with a baby anyway? Either leave them with a sitter/friend/stranger or catch the film in a few months on Netflix. Itâs not fair on the baby and itâs not fair on me, er, I mean us.
As far as kids are concerned, have a word with them beforehand about not talking or at the very least gag your little treasures.
Iâm joking of course, but there is a degree of responsibility here on the parents. When the child is asking âDaddy, whatâs Shrek doing? Daddy? Daddy?  Why is Shrek shouting at Donkey, Daddy? Daddy?  DADDY?  DADDY!?â, maybe consider quietly answering them, followed by a discreet âShh, watch the filmâ rather than just ignoring them.

You might be able to tolerate their incessant babbling and running up and down the rows, but we canât.
Kick my chair again you little bastard, I dare you.
Texters/Facebook fiends
I hate this above everything. Get off your phone! If youâre doing it behind me, thatâs ok (unless you havenât muted the beeping/clicking sounds when you type), but anywhere else means I get a bright light in my face which can be as distracting as a punch in yours.

What is so important that you absolutely MUST send a message to someone or check your news feed RIGHT NOW? Then, when theyâve missed massive chunks of the film, they become a âtalkerâ and have to ask their friend what theyâve missed.
If I were the friend I would lie about it.
And punch them in the dick.
Or the vagina.
(I don’t want to appear sexist).
Loud eaters
Admittedly the cinema is somewhat responsible for a majority of this, but not entirely.
Firstly it seems ALL food packaging in the cinema is required to exceed the decibel level of a jet engine. Itâs like bubble wrap being driven over slowly with a steamroller that launches fireworks and ball bearings out of its exhaust pipe, in a room with a lot of echo, during an earthquake.

Secondly it seems that most people wait for a really quiet moment in the film to rummage shoulder deep into their popcorn, taking ages to grab a fistful to stuff in their stupid fat mouths.
RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE!!!!
CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH!
SLUUUUURRRRP!!!
RUSTLE RUSTLE RUSTLE!!!!
CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH! CRUNCH!
Can someone get this prick a nosebag?
Or me a gun?

Seat etiquette
Donât kick the back of my chair, or any chair in my row thatâs bolted to mine.
Even if youâre gently tapping the back of the seat without realising it, donât think I wonât gently tap your face with my fist without you realising it too.
Also, if you choose to sit with a space either side of you, donât act like the victim and get all reluctant and huffy when my wife and I ask you to move over. Do you seriously expect us to share popcorn across you?
Weâre still going to hold hands.
And kiss.
Thatâs happening.

Last In, First Out
What are you doing turning up 20 minutes into the film?
Considering thereâs usually half an hour of adverts and trailers/previews, thatâs pretty fucking late to be strolling in. Did you forget what time the film was on? Was it a last minute decision?
And now that youâre here, please feel free to take a further 20 minutes to decide where you want to sit, preferably half way up the aisle so you can block the view of those who WERE on time.
Sit.
The fuck.
Down.
Oh, you need me to get up so you can get past my legs? Of course mate, no problem; I wasn’t doing anything anyway. No, no, it didn’t hurt when you trod on my foot. It’s fine; adds to the whole experience.

Then, when the film ends and the directorâs name appears on the screen, most people are up out of their seats and already halfway to the exit.
This makes sense if the film was truly over, but with some films there are extra scenes during the credits. However, the people who have already started leaving still continue to leave!
Fine with me.
It means I can finally let out that fart Iâve been holding in.
AaaaahâŚ..

To be concludedâŚ
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