A rosy outlook on life

Posted on Sep 18, 2013 by headinablender

Earlier today one of the lovely ladies on reception at work offered me a small chocolate chip from her bag of granola.

Being on a diet (of sorts), I declined.

At this point she paused for a second, held it closer to me and said in the most serious face she could muster, “actually it’s a rabbit poo”.

This immediately caused me to grin and I replied with, “well in that case, I’ll have one. I prefer rabbit poo anyway as they’re more nutritious and full of fibre”.

The other lady on reception looked at me in disbelief; mouth open and nose wrinkled.

“Why are you like that?” she asked, slightly bemused.

“Like what?” I asked innocently, knowing what she meant.

“Like that; saying you’d rather eat rabbit poo”.

“Because”, I replied, “it’s funny”

What’s even funnier is the fact that I know she’s reading through my blog today.

Grab a seat

Posted on Sep 6, 2013 by headinablender

I was sat on the train next to the window. There was a woman sat to my left reading a book on her Kindle. The train was packed and there were people stood all the way down the aisles.

At one point the train started to leave Clapham Junction station and then abruptly stopped. The law of Inertia did its thing and threw a man onto the lap of the woman sat next to me.

She instinctively put her hands up to catch him and she succeeded, resulting in her holding his arse perfectly with a buttock lovingly held in each hand.

Is there anything more funny than a perfect and accidental full on arse grab? I don’t think so.

Without removing her hands she pushed him back to his feet and he said, “I’m so sorry!”

She said, “That’s ok”, but it clearly wasn’t.

Her Kindle wasn’t the only thing that was re(a)d.

An acquired taste

Posted on Jun 13, 2013 by headinablender

This morning, as I do every morning, I prepared my lunch for the day.

And whilst making my relatively ordinary sandwich I discovered I was almost out of mustard.

Right, onto the shopping list it goes.

I then discovered my brother had edited the last entry.

Brilliant.

Broad strokes (of a paintbrush of course!)

Posted on May 1, 2013 by headinablender

Following on from yesterday’s entry; I’ve seen another amusing thing that I simply couldn’t pass up.

This is one of many desk calendars we get from our suppliers at work, only this one has a glaringly obvious cropping issue!

I seriously can’t stop laughing!

A laugh a day helps you work, rest and play

Posted on Jan 3, 2013 by headinablender

The suited and booted businessman opposite me on the train is clearly watching something funny on his iphone.

Every 30 seconds or so he does his best to suppress his laughter, which he’s failing at miserably.

He’s mostly snorting a lot, but occasionally he pauses what he’s watching, looks out the window and tries to calm down. It really ain’t working for him.

There’s nothing quite like trying to pull a normal face when all your face wants to do is resemble a cat licking piss off a thistle.

I’m not mocking this guy in any way. In fact it’s just a reminder that life should not always be taken so seriously.

Ah, he has totally lost it now, complete with wheezing, snorts and rocking in his seat. Good for him.

The young girl next to him is desperately looking around for somewhere else to sit, but the train is packed. Just sit there and enjoy the moment like I am, you miserable cowbag.

That’s it mate, mop your brow with your handkerchief; you deserve it.

😀

Funny, on the hole….

Posted on Dec 5, 2012 by headinablender

“Oh no!” I hear my girlfriend cry from behind me in our Cuban hotel room.

I turn around, fearing the worst; “what is it?”

“There’s a hole in my beach bag!” she says, poking her finger through the hole just so it’s clear there’s definitely a hole.

“Oh no, where did that come from?”

She pauses.

“Tesco”

I laughed all the way to breakfast.

Snot Funny!

Posted on Nov 30, 2012 by headinablender

I saw the funniest thing the other day. I was going to blog about it there and then, but I wasn’t at a computer, my phone was low on battery and….to be honest….I couldn’t be arsed. But now, having remembered this thing from the other day that, until now, I’d forgotten about….AND the fact that I can now be arsed, here’s what I saw.

There were three guys walking along, cutting through a car park near the train station, chatting away to each other. The guy at the back was saying something when the guy in the middle sneezed. Now, that doesn’t seem unusual or ‘blogworthy’ I admit, but it was the way in which he did it.

Firstly, it wasn’t a typical ‘Ah-choo!’. It kicked off with an incredibly loud noise that could only be described as a cross between the words ‘ear’ and ‘air’; let’s call it ‘eair’. He then didn’t do the ‘choo’ bit, instead blasting snot and nostril detritus through his nose and closed mouth, resulting in a sort of ‘thplrrp”.

So, in conclusion, ‘Ah-choo’ was in fact ‘EAIR! Thplrrp!’. Got it?

But it doesn’t end there.

The ‘EAIR!’ was what attracted my attention to them, but it was the ‘Thplrrp!’ that made me laugh. This is because the sneezer turned to face his talking mate, mid-sneeze, and proceeded to offload his nasal explosion all over his chest.

‘EAIR!’ Turn. ‘THPLRRP!’

His talking mate added in “oh, cheers mate!”, at which point the sneezer simply turned back and very audibly chuckled; “heh heh heh…”

But what made it so funny is the fact that:
a) It didn’t seem out of place or unusual to them
b) The guy in front didn’t even turn around
c) They didn’t even stop walking

This could only happen with blokes.

Hilarious.

Lunchtime laugh

Posted on Nov 14, 2012 by headinablender

I wandered out at lunch to grab a bite.

As I meandered down the street I saw a guy coming the other way. Nothing untoward so far.

However, he suddenly slowed down, frowned and then mouthed the words “shhhhit. Oh for fuck’s sake”. Clearly he’d suddenly realised there was something he’d forgotten to do.

For the rest of the time it took to pass him he looked proper fucked off.

Ha ha gutted.

Which tube are you headed on?

Posted on Nov 8, 2012 by headinablender

The tube door shuts and clouts a woman across the head. She stumbles a bit and tries to style it out by acting unbothered.

Mildly amusing

The door opens again and smacks her a second time across the head in the other direction.

She almost drops her phone. Less styling.

Very amusing.

A guy takes this opportunity to jump on the train just as the driver announces we should ‘mind the closing doors’.

The doors close, twatting him across the head.

Downright hilarious.

Even the woman is smirking.

Bloody commute…

Posted on Oct 31, 2012 by headinablender

Whilst riding the tube this evening I was witness to something you don’t see often; a man covered in blood.

Now allow me to quantify that by pointing out that it’s Halloween. Even so, it’s still a little unnerving when the guy who gets on the tube next to you is, indeed, covered in blood.

Did I mention he was covered in blood? Well he was, y’know, covered in blood.

So there we were stood side by side on the packed train as it slowly departed the station. It was then I noticed the reactions of the other people crammed in with our crimson pal, or rather, the lack of them.

Here he stood, covered in the red stuff and no one even bats an eyelid (no pun intended). I guess they all had the same thought as me which was “this guy must have had some sort of Halloween dress up thingy at work today, good for him”.

This lack of blind terror, screaming and uncontrollable sobbing did get me thinking. What if this guy was REALLY covered in REAL blood? What a perfect cover. He seemed so calm and unassuming, but then again aren’t they the ones we should be careful of?

I edged away from him slightly.

Some of the commuters were desperately trying to stare without being too obvious as he was, without question, covered in blood. What fascinated me the most was the way they’d quickly look elsewhere when he made eye contact. I mean, it’s rude to stare, right? And we don’t want to upset the blood soaked stranger do we kids?

Then I wondered; what if today had been a regular day? What if it hadn’t been halloween? Would we have all acted differently? I would’ve certainly filled my trousers with all kinds of nasty, but what about everyone else? Maybe one day I’ll just dress as a zombie and stand on the train at rush hour, dribbling and groaning.

Although I suspect I won’t need to stand with all the empty seats.

But the most amusing, and yet appropriate, reaction was when the train pulled into our destination. There, stood on the platform, was a small oriental girl waiting for the train. She’d obviously positioned herself so that she would be right in front of the sliding doors when they opened.

Perfect.

We all started piling off the train and I was directly behind Mr Bloody so I had a front row seat for what happened next.

As we stepped off the train, the oriental girl looked up and made a face that simply said “what the fucking shit?!?”, complete with wide eyes and even wider mouth. This was accompanied by a sudden and violent sidestep which was clearly a kneejerk reaction not dissimilar to ducking when a pigeon flies at your face.

(Although seeing a pigeon hit someone full on in the face is just a beautiful thing; at least for the spectator and not the person picking beak, shit and feathers out of their mouth)

Her reaction was absolutely priceless. I can still picture it now and I cant stop smiling; It was so bloody funny.

Pun intended.

Headphone hell

Posted on Oct 17, 2012 by headinablender

I’ve just watched the woman opposite me on the train attempt to take headphones out of her purse.

She sat herself down, settled in, adjusted her scarf and put her immense handbag on her lap.

She then reached, elbow deep, into her handbag and produced a pair of (massive) white Dr.Dre Beats headphones; well half of them…the other half had snagged on something and was as reluctant to get out of the bag as I was out of bed this morning.

Finally she produced the entire monstrosity, and her keys with it. She put the keys back in her bag and started to pull on the headphone cord.

Out came her purse and a pack of chewing gum. Back in they go.

She pulled a bit more; ah her keys again, and what appeared to be another scarf tangled around the cord.

After about a minute of patiently unravelling this evil spaghetti of rubberised cord and scarf, she pulled again but was faced with a knot in the cord, and some sunglasses. Oh, and her keys.

She had the patience of a saint as by now I would’ve thrown the bag across the carriage, spilling its contents all over the place (which would’ve effectively solved the issue, and most likely decapitated a complete stranger)

Finally she found the jack end of the cord and plugged it into her iPhone.

Success!

She then took out a hairband, created some elaborate twisty bun in her hair and held it in place with the band (I assume so she could get the headphones on her head).

Then, and with a noticeably smug smile on her face, she put the mammoth headphones on.

She looked like a Cyberman.

She then sat back to enjoy her music. Alas, she hadn’t emancipated enough cord from the bag and the resulting tension pulled the bastard headphones off her head enough that the hairband came off, her hair went everywhere and the ‘L’ side of the headphones were now sat on her cheek with the ‘R’ on the back of her neck.

She shot me a glance to see if I’d noticed, but I was looking out the window so clearly I hadn’t.

But I had.

Gutted.

To boldly go…

Posted on Sep 20, 2012 by headinablender

On the trains there are these huge great toilets with an automatic curved sliding door, not dissimilar to the turbolift door on the bridge of the USS Enterprise (which completely redefines “captain’s log” for me).

These doors take an age to close which is useful if you’re crowning. So imagine my amusement when i saw this…

A guy resembling a cross between Napoleon Dynamite and Wally from the ‘where’s Wally’ books was walking past the toilet just as the snail paced door was closing for some trembly-kneed commuter. On this occasion I knew exactly where this Wally was going as he was so preoccupied on some bloke’s iPad he started to veer towards the toilet. He hit the sliding door with the centre of his bespectacled face.

Full on.

Loudly.

I laughed. I mean I really LOL’d.

Thankfully I’m reading Simon Pegg’s book at the moment, so I had a scapegoat, but it did very little to mask the dribbling wreck I became having witnessed this beautifully crafted moment.

He then apologised to the door which was priceless, as he fumbled to straighten his glasses…and his tattered pride.

I don’t think I was the only person who pissed themselves.