It’s not all work, work, work

Posted on Aug 30, 2013 by headinablender

A woman gets on the train with her friend. They natter for a bit and then the conversation stops as the woman gets out her laptop and starts typing furiously.

A lot of people do work on the train; I see it every day. Excel, PowerPoint, Word, emails…. it’s never ending.

I wonder what she’s working on. I can’t see properly because of the sunshine glaring on her screen. Whatever it is it must be important; she has a serious look on her face and her fingers are a blur on the keyboard.

Suddenly we enter a tunnel and the glare is taken away.

Facebook.

iSplat

Posted on Aug 28, 2013 by headinablender

I’m stuck on a packed train just outside East Croydon with a 3G signal going up and down like a local girl’s knickers.

Luckily I’ve been here about 45mins because apparently someone got hit by a train earlier today.

I’ve got another hour of this at least. Joy joy joy!! (claps hands excitedly until blood is drawn)

I can understand getting hit by a car or a boat because they could come from any direction, but a train is pretty much on rails if I’m not mistaken, and therefore it’s easy to predict where they might be coming from; left, or right.

I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead or the seriously injured, but….

Twat.

In addition to all this, the woman next to me is talking VERY LOUDLY TO HER CHILDREN ON THE PHONE AND SAYING THAT “MUMMY WILL BE HOME SOON” AND THEY NEED TO “STOP BEING SAD”. She’s actually said this about 37 times.

She’s just asked her child where her monkey is, and if they’ve warmed it up.

Strange…when I do that it’s frowned upon.

Now she’s trying to connect to them via facetime on her iPad. That will be amazing; to hear her whiny kids first hand. I mean, she’s talking to them on the phone… so why do it on the iPad for all of us to experience?

Oh, 38 times.

She’s also just told her fucking offspring that she’s going to the dentist to get her gold tooth replaced.

Classy.

The woman opposite me is reading her book, resting her head on her very, very clenched fist.

Oh look, facetime has connected.

Now she’s talking to them on her phone AND waving at them on her iPad. What is the purpose of that?

39 times. Right that’s it.

Today there will be more than one train fatality.

Chin up…

Posted on Aug 6, 2013 by headinablender

The man opposite me on the train has the smallest chin in the world.

It must take him, like, seconds to shave.

Amusingly he just went to scratch it and nearly missed.

Pratform announcement

Posted on Jul 20, 2013 by headinablender

An announcement just came over the speakers at Watford station to say that train doors may close up to 30 seconds before the train is due to depart. As a result it is advisable to be on the platform in plenty of time for your train.

These speakers are ON the platform.

What a Muppet

Posted on Jul 19, 2013 by headinablender

There’s a guy on this train sat a few seats behind me somewhere who sounds like Kermit the frog.

How unfortunate for him. Well, unless he’s a children’s entertainer or an actual frog. He could be either; I can’t see him from here.

All I know is he sounds like Kermit.

I don’t envy him at all. I feel lucky I don’t have that voice.

Not being jealous is easy; simple. It’s a walk in the park. Uncomplicated and not problematic in any way.

Being jealous however is completely different because, as everyone knows, it’s not easy being green.

Let me clear my throat

Posted on Jul 16, 2013 by headinablender

I wake up most mornings between 6am and 6:45am, depending on whether my alarm clocks (plural) do an effective job at waking the dead. I tend to leave the house around 7:15am and suffer the tedious commute into London every day by train.

You may have noticed.

I navigate the multidirectional London crowds, endure the hot and sweaty tube (which is the London Underground and not the duty of a bored housewife), walk the streets of London and arrive at work around 8:55am. When I say “Good morning” to the girls behind reception I clear my throat beforehand because it’s usually the first time i’ve spoken that day.

Well, this morning whilst crammed on the tube I had a woman fall into me when the train stopped abruptly. She turned to me, somehow surprised that Newton’s law of motion had actually applied to her despite not securing her footing or holding onto a pole like the rest of us, and apologised.

Without thinking, and without throat clearage, I said “that’s alright” in what has to be the best Mickey Mouse impersonation I think i’ve ever heard.

Bollocks.

Prick-et inspector

Posted on Jul 12, 2013 by headinablender

“Get back!”

What the fuck?

“Get back!!”

The train guard was shouting through the closed doors of our train at a commuter on the platform who I assume was trying to board.

The doors were shut and you know what that means; the guard now had the undeserved authority to be a prick about it.

I then heard the guard open the doors and shout, “Get back!! This train is ready to depart!!”, and then promptly close the doors.

Hang on, why didn’t he just let the guy on?

Oh yeah, because he’s a prick.

Of course.

A line had been crossed…and it was yellow.

Triple threat

Posted on Jul 10, 2013 by headinablender

Sat on the train and the prick at the next table starts talking into his phone very loudly. In fact it was at such a decibel level he startled the woman sat opposite him.

She actually jumped. Nearly dropped her book.

He was talking some bollocks about “the Siemens innovation contract” and “regarding the agreed SLA following the action points from the meeting”.

What a penis.

Just then the woman sat NEXT to the startled woman fires up a conversation on her phone.

It’s weird to think that 15 years ago seeing two people sat at a table on a train and talking meant they we’re having a conversation with EACH OTHER. In fact the only communication happening between two people in this carriage was between me and the jumpy bookworm who exchanged a look best described as ‘is this really fucking happening?’

Anyway, just as my eyes were starting to ache from all the rolling, the woman opposite me picked up her phone and joined in!

Really?

So let me get this right…the ONLY three people talking loudly into their phones in this full and quiet carriage are in fact sat around me?

Brilliant.

I can’t tell you the joy and elation when we entered a tunnel. It was emotional.

I spied a grin from behind a book.

There seems to be a problem with your network….

Posted on Jul 9, 2013 by headinablender

Can someone please explain to me why 3G connectivity and phone signal gets progressively shittier the closer to London my train gets?

What is the deal with that?

Maybe it’s because London is such a small little town with very few mobile phone masts. Who knows?

Having been an ‘Orange’ network subscriber for many years, I was transferred to the new ‘EE’ network, which I believe stands for ‘Everything Everywhere’. It should be rebranded to ‘Nothing Anywhere’ or ‘NA’, which is ironically appropriate.

I swear these wanker networks turned 3G effectiveness down to make the new 4G network appear better and faster.

Luckily for me I don’t try and occupy my time on the train with the likes of Facebook. I mean, could you imagine how annoying that would be? Pages taking forever to refresh, status updates not updating, posts having to be drafted 5 times because they keep disappearing due to ‘no network connectivity’.

Yeah, thankfully I don’t have to put up with that shit.

In fact, come to think of it, my commute into work is always easy and uneventful.

Mutton grumble…

Posted on Jul 8, 2013 by headinablender

This evening at Victoria station could have been described as bedlam. Or, alternatively, bat shit crazy with a massive dose of dumb fuckery.

Basically there had been a power cut and the electronic display boards (that tell the sheep which platform their train will be departing from) weren’t working properly. By this I mean they were ON, but not displaying anything except ‘please listen for announcements’; a big issue for display boards methinks.

I soon realised this when I’d spied a small, aggressive, uniformed woman stood at the front of the bleating flock with far too much power and a megaphone.

Despite this, a lot of the sheep were still stood under the undisplaying boards, looking up with dead eyes and mouths agape, expecting the magic orange words to change from ‘please listen for announcements’ to which platform they needed to be herded to. A lot of them were drooling.

Baa….

I stood amongst the dumb flocks and waited for little Miss Megaphone to point us in the right direction. She kept talking into her radio and I wondered if she was calling in a couple of sheepdogs in high vis jackets to get the masses to their platforms. Maybe the megaphone was reserved for whistles and the occasional “good boy!”.

I hoped so.

Alas, she pointed it at the crowd, pressed the trigger and cleared her throat. The old woman next to her jumped so hard her teeth fell out.

Ok, not quite…but she could’ve cleared her throat quietly BEFORE using the amplification qualities of this vocal menace.

*KRRKT!*
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!”
*KRRKT!*

A few of the sheep looked down from the undisplays, closed their mouths and wiping away their drool to focus on what she had to say.

*KRRKT!*
“PLEASE BE AWARE THAT DUE TO A POWER CUT EARLIER TODAY THE BOARDS ARE NOT DISPLAYING ANY PLATFORM INFORMATION… !”
*KRRKT!*

She then began to list off all the upcoming trains and their platforms. A lot of the sheep amazingly ignored her and looked back up at the undisplay boards, resuming their open mouthed drooling. The floor was becoming shiny.

Baa…

*KRRKT!*
“THE HORSHAM TRAIN WILL BE DEPARTING FROM PLATFORM 17”

“Excuse me” interrupted a small woman.

*KRRKT!*
“YES?”

“Aargh!”

“Sorry… yes?”

“Is this the Horsham train?”, asked the woman pointing to platform 17.

“Yes it is.”, said the unamplified harbinger of trains.

“Thankyou”. As she trotted off I saw her ask another guard which train was stood at platform 17.

Brilliant.

If it’s not displayed in orange and black then the seed of doubt starts to grow. What is wrong with people? Are we that reliant on technology that we don’t trust a person? Who do you think supplies the (un)display boards with information in the first place? R2-fucking-D2?

Typically my train was the only one running late. This resulted in more blank, drooling stares at the boards as if somehow the megaphoned harpy or the constant audio announcements were somehow misinformed.

Baa…

Finally my train was announced and the flock surged forward, being filtered through the barriers like sheep through a dip.

Baa…

Some of us slipped.

I Queue Test

Posted on Jun 17, 2013 by headinablender

This morning I woke up at 06:52am. This is a problem when you need to be out of the house at 07:15am and I still needed to have a shower, shave, brush my teeth, style my hair, get dressed and make myself some lunch. It’s also a little concerning as my alarm clocks (yes, clocks; plural) go off around 6am. Oops.

If the house had been on fire and I was under attack from ninjas I still wouldn’t have moved as fast as I did when I realised the time. I was quick. Very quick. At one point I passed a Coyote in a slingshot holding an anvil.

I made it out of the house at 07:18am. Not bad.

Meep meep!

I then drove at breakneck speed to the station. Well, it was at a speed that made me want to break the neck of the bell-end driving the car in front of me at 21 miles per hour.

I finally made it to the station with about 3 minutes to spare and I was faced with a decision; buy my weekly ticket now, or at London Victoria. Hmm….

There was a dithering twat of a woman at the ticket office, laughing that she “simply can’t find my purse in here! Ha ha ha!”

Ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Hilarious. No really, please continue. Take your time. I can’t get enough of your cripplingly funny shit.

So I thought, fuck it; I’ll buy my ticket at Victoria.

The train pulled in, I got on, sat down and revelled in watching the dithering twat almost miss the train. She made it. Shame.

The journey was the usual social scene; complete silence whilst staring at a small screens and desperately trying to ignore the annoying fucker talking on her phone. In fact, it was this annoying fucker…..https://headinablender.wordpress.com/2013/05/28/blooble-fabwa-sibbladoo/

I really have to pick a different carriage….or just punch her in the face.

We finally pulled into London Victoria and I made my way to the ‘customers needing to pay additional fares’ desk. It should be called ‘customers who tried to pull a fast one, realised there were automated gates and now have to reluctantly pay for a ticket which they will say was from the station just before Victoria’.

I shamefully joined the queue of people like we were waiting outside the headmaster’s office, feeling the judging eyes of all the other commuters as they passed by. The people in front of me were taking forever to buy their tickets which I thought was odd. It then dawned on me pretty fucking quickly that they weren’t simply buying excess fares. No, they were haggling for the cheapest way of paying for the journey they’ve just done.

No rush folks, I don’t have a job to get to.

The woman commuter at the desk had a ticket for off peak travel and hadn’t realised it wouldn’t let her through the barriers at 08:30am in the morning, in central London, on a Monday. I could see her confusion. This is the sort of woman who needs to ensure her Vagisil and Colgate are kept in separate rooms.

“I didn’t realise I couldn’t use this ticket”. Yes you did, now fuck off.

She continued to argue this for a good two or three minutes, as if somehow it would change the circumstances. At this rate we were going to hit off peak travel times. This could’ve been incredibly frustrating if you were someone worried about being late for work. Not me though, I had aaaaaaaaall the time in world.

The guy that followed her wasn’t any better.

“I’ve come from Gatwick, but I’m here to see my brother, so I need to get to Kensington, but my ticket from Gatwick was a staff ticket, so I need the cheapest ticket to see him and then I’ll be coming back, but that will be today, but tomorrow I’m with my brother at his flat, so do I need an oyster card? I basically need to get back, but the ticket I’ve got isn’t valid on the times I need to be out of my brother’s place”.

I’m sorry, what?

The massive Nigerian train guard behind the glass looked right through this little man with a stare that sat somewhere between utter contempt and not giving a shit. It was a beautifully crafted look and one I plan to master myself. He clearly gets this kind of idiocy all the time.

Where’s that dithering twat from earlier? I’m feeling a bit punchy.

Wax off

Posted on Jun 14, 2013 by headinablender

I was sat on the train for a mere 10 seconds when I heard a sound in front of me that caught my attention.

It was a fast paced squelchy noise that sounded like a furiously masturbating gibbon. Or at least how I imagined an intensely self indulging primate may sound, IF that was something I’d try to imagine.

Which I wouldn’t.

Because that would be weird.

So I looked around to see what was causing it, hoping not to see an ape having a tug, furious or otherwise.

There, sat two seats in front of me, was a large man who resembled a massive shaved orangutan (Ooh, I nearly called it with gibbon!). He had his little finger in his ear and was doing that fast paced jiggling action that could be either an attempt to scratch an itch that’s further down the canal than he could reach, or an earful of water.

The sound of monkey wank suggested the latter. I HOPED It was the latter, otherwise what was causing all that squelch?

So I watched him as he was really going for it and his size suggested it was the most exercise he’d had in, well, ever.

After a vigorous and very audible squelching he pulled out his little finger and looked at it.

What is he…?

Oh no.

No.

Don’t do it.

Please don’t do it!

…

– sniff –

He did it.

Yuck.

Epic rail fail

Posted on Jun 4, 2013 by headinablender

I’ve just seen a guy miss his train.

Was he running late, or dashing like a madman? No, he was actually early.

He was stood on the platform, headphones in his ears and reading the morning paper; positioned right at the very end of the platform, presumably to get on at the front of the train.

The train pulled in, everyone got on and the train pulled out. The thing is, the train had pulled in about 20 feet short of where he was standing, so he hadn’t seen or heard it.

He was about to.

As the train started to leave it trundled slowly past him. It was at this point he put the newspaper under his arm and prepared himself to board. It had then dawned on him this train wasn’t slowing down, it was speeding up.

He looked around, checking the boards, glaring at his watch and strutting around frantically as if it was somehow someone else’s fault.

No mate, you really did just stand there like a twat and watch it leave all by yourself.

I think I may have seen one of the passengers waving at him.

Fantasy Vs. Reality – Part 3

Posted on Jun 3, 2013 by headinablender

I’ve noticed that people who wear headphones fall into two very distinct camps; those who just sit there listening to the music, and those who dance. Now, when I say dance, I don’t mean literally strutting their funky stuff in the street or outside public toilets (those people are in a completely different camp of their own, complete with high gates and heavy medication).

No, I’m referring to those who move ever so slightly to the music; either slaloming their head from side to side for R&B, or nodding along to rock like they’re sucking off an ant. If you look closely enough it’s often possible to see them mouthing the words. I don’t mean full on singing; just mouthing. The ones who sing are mentally unhinged and need avoiding at all costs.

I had one of these singing idiots in a gym once; just him and me. He was lifting these heavy weights and grunting (as you do), and then in between sets he was singing tonelessly along to something in a high drawn out wailing voice. It was like working out with Moby fucking Dick.

The last two words there were intentional.

But back to the dancing…

Being a headphone user myself I fall into the ‘dancer’ category. I often find myself moving my head to the ‘riddim’ and occasionally mouthing the words. I’m even guilty of walking along the pavement in time to the music like some obnoxious musical, half expecting those around to suddenly fall in behind me for a big dance number.

Why do I do this? What do I think I look like?

Actually, I think I look cool.

People look at me and I can see they’re thinking “Wow, that guy really knows his music, and he’s got rhythm. Look, he even knows the words. He’s SO cool”. I’m cultured, hip and simply awesome.

However, when other people do it they look like total pricks.

Weird.

Chew chew train

Posted on May 30, 2013 by headinablender

I was on the train this morning, minding my own business and sending messages on my phone and generally living in my own happy little world.

The train pulls into some station or another, and this guy boards and plonks himself down in the seat next to me.

After about 10 minutes I’m aware, from the corner of my eye, that he’s watching me type out my messages! Cheeky fucker.

I own a Galaxy Note 2 which is like having an LCD TV in your pocket, so it’s massive and it’s difficult not to look at it when someone whips it out…a lot like the camera crew on the set of ‘massive dongs’.

He was also furiously biting his nails, so all I could hear was the occasional loud click when he’d chipped a piece away, accompanied by heavy nostril breathing on his fingers. What was even more unnerving was the fact he wasn’t spitting any of them out (which in itself is disgusting), so this meant he was consuming them.

Basically, to him, this was the commuting version of watching a subtitled film whilst munching popcorn.

I started to wonder what his reaction would be if I started typing stuff specifically for him to read, like…

‘The piece of shit arsehole next to me on the train is watching me type. What a fucking twat LOL’
‘Yes babe, I have my penis out under my jacket, wanna photo?’
‘I’ve just peed myself and I can feel it running down my leg. The seat is getting warmer.’
‘I really fancy this guy next to me, i’m going to touch him the next time the train jerks to the side’
‘I’m just getting my knife out now. I’m going to do it right now.’

I needed to do something; his breath was starting to smell like burned hair.

BLOOBLE FABWA SIBBLADOO

Posted on May 28, 2013 by headinablender

It’s my first day back in the office after a bank holiday weekend. Alas, I worked Saturday and Sunday but was able to do so from home. This was great because I got to email and generate reports whilst only wearing pants and maybe a sock. Strangely it’s frowned upon when I do that in the office.

So this morning I am back on a train heading towards London, contemplating a much needed nap. Then, out of nowhere, a young woman gets on and sits practically next to me talking… sorry… TALKING into her phone at great speed, without breaks or punctuation, in a language I don’t recognise.

That’s annoying.

If you’re going to disturb me and keep me awake at least have the decency to let me have a narrative I can mock you with. Instead all I have is “CHAMBO LAPAMOOPOO DIBIDO BICHEDOOFIBBLE CHOOMA WOPPY BADUMOPA LIPU”

Hmm, pick the bones out of that one Dan….

It’s ok, i can still sleep through this. I CAN sleep through this.

“WABBADONG CHIBLOFANTA MISA BILOP PLOBBLE”

Come on Dan, you can sleep through this…..(eye starts to twitch)

“BAMSA FOOGLIN JIBBY JOBTOSH BIDDYBUDCHIMCHANG”

After a couple more stations of this shit, the door opens and….oh fuck, it’s the dipstick from my previous blog https://headinablender.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/suited-and-unmuted/ who decides to sit right in front of me.

I wonder if stripping to my pants and sock will make them fuck off and let me sleep?

Let’s find out….

Whoreditioning for a part.

Posted on May 21, 2013 by headinablender

I’m sitting on the train watching Californication (which is awesome by the way), desperately trying to drown out the two cocks sat next to me talking bollocks.

Suddenly two young, attractive women enter the carriage and take the last two seats; one of which is directly opposite me.

Result.

Or so I thought.

They’re pissed as fuck and the one opposite me is chewing her gum so loudly it sounds like a long lipped bloodhound having a drink.

And every sentence has the word “like” in it at least, like, three times.

They’re talking about auditioning for acting roles and the importance of “losing oneself in, like, a really, like, really juicy role that you can, like, lose yourself in”

I’m tempted to tell them that sucking the producer’s cock can really help.

Mind you, she IS chewing a lot of gum.

Chav chav train

Posted on May 7, 2013 by headinablender

Ah the people I see on the train….

The mum – short, chubby and freakishly butch, neck tattoo, short cropped hair with blonde tips, gold teeth and leggings, holding a Staffordshire Bull Terrier on a studded leash.

The daughter – taller, chubby, badly drawn arm tattoo of two indecipherable names, bleached blond hair scraped back, leggings, stained vest top and holding two pushchairs full of offspring.

The son – skinny, deprived of daylight, spotty, gold earring, headphones and a vacant look in his eyes.

Stereotyping?

Me?

Never.

Suited and unmuted

Posted on May 2, 2013 by headinablender

There’s a guy on the train this morning who is talking loudly into his phone. The reason I can hear him is because he’s the ONLY person talking loudly into his phone like a distressed seagull outside your bedroom window at 6am on a Sunday morning.

For context, he’s a young indian guy with slick gelled hair (spiky but with a comb-over at the front), a suit and tends to end a lot of his sentences with “innit” and “bruv”.

He’s going on and on and on at such an increased volume that the young woman sat next to him reading her book hasn’t turned a page for nearly 15 minutes. I’ve also noticed her knuckles have turned white.

Anyway, this bell-end is clearly talking to someone who has recently bought a new car.

At one point he jokingly asked “do know where the dipstick is?”

Yes bruv, the entire carriage knows.

Innit.

Pardon? Speak up….

Posted on Apr 27, 2013 by headinablender

As I settle down in my train seat, ready for the five and a half hour journey from Penzance to London, imagine my joy when a chavvy couple with the loudest and whiniest kids in the world sit 3 rows in front of me.

I’m such a fucking lucky bastard, I really am.

He resembles a shaved rat in a bomber jacket and baseball cap, complete with a neck tattoo and an eyebrow piercing. A gold ring of course.

She has lank, greasy hair pulled back so tight she looks like she’s suddenly sat on a upturned plug…all the time. Her clothing is way too tight for her ‘size’ which means her leggings elastic and struggling bra strap leave her resembling 3 bagels stacked on top of each other…. or are they ring doughnuts?

Probably doughnuts.

And what’s with the decibel levels here? Do they live next to a runway? Are they used to communicating through glass? The kids are very loud (and did I mention whiny?),the dad (debatable) is loud, but the mum…well, she’s talking to ratman at the same volume we reserve for nightclubs, complete with the occasional spit missiles associated with talking at such force. The windows are actually shaking and I swear I just spotted a crack appear.

The old couple next to me have turned their hearing aids OFF.

I’ve tried to drown them out with my headphones, but they keep slipping out of my bleeding ears.