Signal failure…

Posted on Sep 11, 2012 by headinablender

Just been listening to the loud guy a table over from me on the train trying to have a conversation on his phone (using mic headphones…like a twat of course; who needs hands free when your hands are free??).

The conversation went:

Can you hear me?
Can you hear me ok?
CAN YOU HEAR ME??
(puts mic closer to his stupidly bearded mouth)
What about now?
(fumbles with mic) now?
Now? What about now?
Hello? What about now?
(mic even closer to mouth…It looks like he’s snogging his fingers)
Ok, I’ll call you later.
I’ll call you later.
I said I’ll call you LATER!
Later! Yes later!! I’ll call you…
(line must’ve gone dead)

I hate crap signal on a train, but today it’s pretty damn sweet. A 3 minute one-sided conversation about nothing but attempting to have a conversation.

What a tit.

Takes the biscuit….

Posted on Sep 5, 2012 by headinablender

Crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch -pause- slurp -pause- crunch crunch crunch crunch -pause- dribbly slurp -pause- crunch crunch….

That’s all I’m getting (crunch) from this guy opposite me on the train as (crunch) he slowly and annoyingly tucks into (crunch) his impossibly crunchy biscuits and (slurp) drinks his clearly too hot coffee (crunch). Are those biscuit actually made from a mix of popping candy and plastic??

Cant sleep through (crunch) this violent masticating, but to be honest (slurp)…the woman next to him (crunch) looks like she’s wondering if twatting him across the face (crunch) will damage her kindle…

…and no-one should miss seeing that.

(Slurp)

Brrrrr…..itish Rail

Posted on Sep 3, 2012 by headinablender

The air con is turned up so high on this train that I swear I can see ice forming on the carpet. If the train stops a little too abruptly at the next station do you think everyone will slide to the front of the carriage?

Mind you; the stickiness of these carpets can probably counteract the effects of sheet ice…

Oh look, a penguin.

Mis-carriage of communication…

Posted on Sep 3, 2012 by headinablender

Quite a lengthy train announcement from a guard with a very loose grasp of the English language whilst sat in the station.

No clue what he’s just said. sounded like “baddalada famwa si borfon ja pindol fi boo beep blorpy floodle”

I’m shitting myself now as half of the carriage has just upped and got off.

Barbedybarbedytoopedy-situation…

Posted on Aug 31, 2012 by headinablender

Irish grandma talking to her grandson on the train so loud the whole carriage keep looking at her. Have a guess who she’s sat next to. No, go on, have a guess.

Yep….me.

She stinks of fags and actually talks/shouts like a cross between Brad Pitt in Snatch and Keith Lemon doing Irish…

Habattydabbydattybatabaddafatabaddapadamatt-POTATO!!

Lord of the sniff/sith (sorry, bad attempt at a pun)

Posted on Aug 31, 2012 by headinablender

Another commuter observation…
The guy opposite me is really heavy breathing through his nose. It’s like a heavily nostrilled Darth Vader.

How the guys next to him is sleeping is beyond me…oh, hang on; headphones.

Good call.

A happy return?

Posted on Aug 28, 2012 by headinablender

There’s nothing like the euphoria of going back to work after a 3 day weekend.

Lazing in bed is for losers; sitting on a train full of coughing strangers is the way forward. Can’t wait for the tube!

I’m so happy I think I might have a little cry.

XBoss controller

Posted on Aug 24, 2012 by headinablender

The woman opposite me on the train looks like a bitch of an old boss I had.

Do you think (if I asked really really nicely) that she’d let me punch her in the face?

Financial Slimes….

Posted on Aug 21, 2012 by headinablender

The suit next to me on the train who is reading the Financial Times and smells suspiciously like alcohol and cigars (which makes me thankful I’m not hungover) keeps having phlemmy coughing fits into his fist.

He’s proper loud. I’m starting to get ‘oh dude, I’m glad I’m not you, we all feel your pain’ looks from the other passengers!

Hello Tuesday; you’re going to be a bit of a bastard today aren’t you?

Somewhere over the hill…er, rainbow

Posted on Aug 17, 2012 by headinablender

Ok, I know I’m not a kid anymore.

I know they say you’re ‘only as young as you feel’ blah blah…but I’m very aware I’m in my thirties and grown up.

So why, when I saw a rainbow this morning over three bridges did I want to shout out “look everyone, a rainbow!! Coooool!!!”

????

Sometimes time just isn’t on your side…

Posted on Aug 16, 2012 by headinablender

Snoozing through the alarm – 20 mins
Showering, brushing teeth etc – 20 mins
Getting dressed and ready to leave the house – 10 mins
Realising I’m running late and might miss my train – minus 7 mins
Powerwalking the 20 min walk to the station in the rain – 15 mins
Finding out the train is 12 mins late anyway so I’m forced to stand on the platform in the rain, hot and sweaty, holding a brolly in one hand and updating my status with the other – timeless.

Arse.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Weirdo…

Posted on Aug 14, 2012 by headinablender

Here we go again. An empty carriage and who do I get sat pretty much next to me? Yes, the skinhead who keeps loudly huffing and puffing and sighing whilst talking aggressively to no-one.

Here’s a selection if what he’s saying…out loud…with only me as an audience.

“fuck!”
“for fuck’s sake!”
“I don’t want to”
“fuck it!” (threw his drinks bottle down at that point!)
“fucking work!”
“grrrr fuck!”

So, a nice relaxing journey to work then; not at all tense and uncomfortable for me to have a snooze…

Wakey Wakey!

Posted on Jul 11, 2012 by headinablender

Just snored myself awake on the train.

Usually very embarrassing, but today it’s super packed due to delays.

ALL eyes turned to the piggy noise and I quite vocally had to say ‘sorry, I hate when that happens!’.

Bless, the woman next to me tried to make me feel better by saying ‘we’ve all done it’.

Didn’t help 😦

In touch with himself much?

Posted on Jun 20, 2012 by headinablender

Ok, check this….the weird OCD guy next to me keeps doing the following…

Touch nose, wipe nose, stroke forearm, touch forehead, twitch shoulder, rub nose, nod head, stroke forearm, touch leg, touch iPhone to forehead (seriously!), touch nose, forehead, nose, forehead, chin.

I shit you not! It’s taken me 30 mins to write this so I could observe and get the right order!

Why do they always sit next to me???????!